Talking Sh*t

As you may have heard, last week a guy who has a Twitter account that’s called “Shit My Dad Says” in which he tweets the cranky things his 73 year-old father mutters like, “A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching” was given not only a major book deal, but a TV deal, too. And that was after just 75 tweets, or a total of about 10,500 words.

That sound you hear right now is a million writers sobbing into their whiskey.

Of course, my first thought after I heard this news was, “Lucky bastard.” My second thought was, “Thanks, mom and dad. Thanks for screwing me once again by being so nice and normal. Jerks.” I mean, all this guy did to make it in Hollywood was just type out the funny, crabby things his dad said. And while my mom’s good for an occasional “Put on some lipstick so you don’t look like an albino corpse,” it’s not like she gives me enough of that material to make a living. No, she’s too busy being kind and supportive, which is great and all, but that crap’s sure as hell not going to get me a meeting with the head of NBC, is it?

For that reason, I’ve been busy thinking up other Twitter accounts that’ll help me get more attention as well as a private jet and a three picture deal with George Clooney. Let me know what you think—-I have a pretty good feeling about these.

POSSIBLE NEW TWITTER SENSATIONS:

1. Shit My Cat Says

2. Shit I Say to My Cat

3. Shit My Cat Says To Me In Response to What I Just Said

4. Shit I Say To My Cat After It Answers What I Just Said About What It Said The First Time It Said Something To Me

5. Shit My Husband Says About Me and My Cat Needing Therapy

6. Shit My Hair Guy Says

7. Shit My Nail Guy Says

8. Shit My Hair Guy Says About My Nail Guy While Rolling His Eyes

9. Shit My Inner Voice Says

10. Shit My Outer Voice Says

11. Shit My Outer Voice Says During PTO Meetings That It Really Shouldn’t Say Because Now My Outer Voice Has to Volunteer At the Dumb “Reading Jamboree” And Can’t Stay Home and Watch Glee In Its Ratty Sweatpants Instead

12. Shit My Stupid Neighbor Gary Says

13. Shit My Stupid Neighbor Gary Says That I Later Post On the Neighborhood Listserv

14. Shit My Homeowners Association Says When They Email Me About Why I Can No Longer Do This to My Stupid Neighbor Gary Even Though I Really, Really Want To Because Gary Is Evil and Hates Polar Bears

15. Shit My OB/GYN Says

16. Shit My OB/GYN Says That Doesn’t Include The Phrase “This Might Feel a Little Cold”

17. Shit My Friend Maria Says

18. Shit My Friend Maria Says After She Drinks Wine

19. Shit My Friend Maria Says After She Drinks Wine While Also On Benadryl

20. Shit My Friend Maria Says After She Drinks Wine While Also On Benadryl That She Begs Me Not to Tell Her Husband

21. Shit My New Cleaning Woman Who Maria Is Now Paying For Says

So that’s it. That’s my list. Now all I have to do is just sit back, relax and wait for the hundreds of film and television offers to just roll in. And I really, really hope they do.

Because if they don’t, it’ll be kind of shitty.