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The Name Game

by Wendi // August 31, 2009

I don’t know why, but for the past  few months, my husband Chris and I have taken great delight in calling our two boys by different names. Fortunately, the kids don’t seem to mind that we’re doing this. But maybe that’s just because we do it behind their backs.

“Where’d Tango and Cash go?” Chris will ask.

“Who? You mean Lenny and Squiggy? I think they’re at the neighbors,” I’ll answer.

“Well, can you let Dolce and Gabbana know that it’s time for dinner?” he’ll say.

“Sure!” I’ll yell as I’m heading out the door. “But remember, Jake and Elwood hate broccoli!”

After a few days of this rather moronic game, it quickly turned into an unspoken challenge between us where we tried to never use the same names twice.

“You already used Cheech and Chong yesterday,” Chris would say. “At the pool, remember?”

“Well, so what? You said Butch and Sundance about ten times at the park,” I’d say back. “Not to mention Statler and Waldorf five times at the post office. I mean, come on.”

“Fine,” he’d retort. “But at least I never tried using Bangers and Mash. What the hell? That doesn’t even make sense unless you’re in Europe.”

One week, we decided to up the ante and go exclusively with musical pairings.

“Are Hall and Oates asleep yet?” I’d wonder.

“Well, I just looked in on Simon and he’s asleep,” Chris would respond. “But Garfunkel’s having some issues with his sippy cup and I think he might pee in his pajamas later.”

Another week, we tried historical figures. Unfortunately, after the obvious “Lewis and Clark” and “Orville and Wilbur,” we  realized our public school educations were failing us, so we had to switch to TV cops.

“Are Starsky and Hutch doing their homework?” I’d ask Chris.

“Yes, although Crockett’s having a little trouble with his math,” he’d answer. “And Tubbs is still going potty. He said he had a lot of apple juice in kindergarten this morning.”

But now it looks like our game has finally come to a merciful end. Not only have we run out of new things to call the boys, evidenced last week by my attempt to use “Cut and Paste” and “Smith and Wesson,” but lately we’ve been getting a little confused about our children’s real names.

“Hey,where’d Sam and Jack go?” Chris asked last night after dinner.

“Who?” I responded. “Sam and Jack…Sam and Jack…oh, wait! Are those the guys from that Scorcese movie? Because I think you used that last week.”

_________________________

If by some stretch of the imagination, that post left you wanting even more of my brilliance, I’m also found in two other places today. First, I’m handing out specious advice at The Mouthy Housewives. (Also, if you have a big problem, little problem, or sort of creepy problem, we’d love to hear about it. Especially if it involves your ongoing David Beckham fantasies. Send it to: ask@mouthyhousewives.com.)

And second, I’m recapping the wonderful, horrible Project Runway over at Reality Roadkill. It’s funny even if you don’t watch the show. Well, sort of. To me, anyway.

So go ahead. Click already. No big whoop.

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Comments

  1. Akilah Sakai says:
    August 31, 2009 at 6:47 am

    All in good fun! At least you two know how to have a good time … at the expense of the kids. Ha! 😉

    I call my little ones all kinds of silly names. Usually it’s nutcase or ulcer-maker, but I have concrete evidence that my kid’s are completely bonkers.

  2. Deb on the Rocks says:
    August 31, 2009 at 6:55 am

    If you ask me, you are such good parents to refer to them using two individual names when one noun or pronoun will do. Also, none of your names need to be bleeped out. That is classy parenting right there. I feel inspired.

  3. ann says:
    August 31, 2009 at 7:12 am

    I love this.

    Wynona and Naomi are playing as harmoniously as two little boys can right now.

    Now I’m going to do this in my head all day.

    xo

  4. Obi-Wandreas says:
    August 31, 2009 at 7:26 am

    I only have one kid so far. When she and our Beagle get together, however, I refer to them as Thing 1 & Thing 2.

  5. Shelly says:
    August 31, 2009 at 7:45 am

    This is totally hilarious. Almost makes me want another kid. Almost, but not quite.

  6. Cooper Green says:
    August 31, 2009 at 8:14 am

    We briefly owned five baby kittens some years ago, and we named them Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Fenner and Smith. Fine until the merger.

  7. Lisa Rae @ smacksy says:
    August 31, 2009 at 8:49 am

    I love this.

    And at our place, I’m pretty sure Bob believes his nickname is “Mama-Is-Begging-You.”

  8. Marinka says:
    August 31, 2009 at 9:11 am

    I want to know which kid is Garfunkel. And what he did to you to deserve that.

  9. Fairly Odd Mother says:
    August 31, 2009 at 9:51 am

    LOVE this game. Cracks me up about the historical figures. Makes we want to try this but with three kids, I’d be doomed.

  10. christy says:
    August 31, 2009 at 10:12 am

    Hysterical – all three posts. I want to start playing this game at my house now!

  11. dg at diaryofamadbathroom says:
    August 31, 2009 at 10:45 am

    That sounds like a ton of fun! Your husband is way cool to play that game with you. Two rounds of that and my husband would be chasing me around the house with a shovel. That’s mostly because I would pwn him at it.

  12. Jamie says:
    August 31, 2009 at 10:53 am

    I do this too! Glad to know I’m not alone.

  13. Crystal says:
    August 31, 2009 at 11:00 am

    At least your 12 yr old isn’t calling you Ma Barker…apparently mine is all about the bank robbers from the 20’s and 30’s (THANKS JOHNNY DEPP, no seriously – thank you!) and has now started calling her brothers the Barker Boys…

  14. Candy says:
    August 31, 2009 at 11:37 am

    You left out Simon and Schuster, on their more bookish days, Penn and Teller for the day that your grandmother’s vase “magically” got smashed into a million pieces, and Bo and Luke Hazzard for reasons too obvious to state here.

  15. peajaye says:
    August 31, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    You, Peaches, and your husband, Herb, totally shake your groove thing.

  16. JP in IL says:
    August 31, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    I would have called them these names…

    Briggs and Straton
    Bartles and James
    Bert and Ernie
    Lucy and Ethel
    Bo and Luke
    THelma and Louise
    Mork and Mindy
    Bob and Tom

    I could go on and on…..

  17. Mwa says:
    August 31, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    That’s a very good game. I’m bad enough at remembering names, though – better not try it myself.

  18. melissaz says:
    August 31, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    We do that too. Usually it’s Click and Clack, Dumb and Dumber, or on a really bad day, Numb and Nutz.

  19. Carolyn Online says:
    August 31, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    You can totally use Bangers and Mash. I gotcher back on that one.

  20. Jen says:
    August 31, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Nice way to keep the parenting interesting. I especially like the tv cop show duos. Off to check you out on the other sites.

  21. Kate Coveny Hood says:
    August 31, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    This would be difficult to do at my house since I have three kids. The first group that comes to mind would be the three is company crew…but I have two boys and a girl. That said, George is TOTALLY at Janet…

  22. Tracy Hahn-Burkett says:
    August 31, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    I’m impressed, but I don’t think I could play. There are days when I have enough trouble remembering the names my kids have already got. Then there are the days when “Sullen Boy” and “Whiny Girl” are all the monikers I really need.

  23. Laurie says:
    August 31, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    I feel compelled to help the game go on. Comedy teams?
    Rowan and Martin
    Abbott and Costello
    Martin and Lewis
    George and Gracie

  24. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings says:
    August 31, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Awww…that is so sweet.

    So I wonder if this is what my mom was trying to do when she would often call me by my brother’s name. Or the cat’s name…or one of her sister’s names. I mean seriously…she only had two children. What was her problem? I never do that.

    Anyhow, Marge…er…Sam…er…Bobbi–darn it! Wendi, for the hilarious post!

  25. Kendra says:
    September 1, 2009 at 6:27 am

    I tend to refer to all three of the kids as “monkey butt.” It’s nice because it’s not gender specific and they’ve been hearing it for so long that it no longer seems odd to them. But I’m sure it seems odd to all the other people listening.

    I just feel bad for my brother. He spent his entire childhood listening to my mom call him by her brother’s name. “I’m not Tom! I’m Ben!” And now he’s all grown up and lives with his fiancee, who presumably calls him by the right name. But almost every time I talk to him, I call him by my oldest son’s name. Maybe I ought to start calling everyone by random TV cops’ names. Then no one will know when I’ve simply forgotten who they are!

  26. amy2boys says:
    September 1, 2009 at 7:27 am

    Bangers and Mash – heh.

  27. Elisa says:
    September 1, 2009 at 8:14 am

    oh, we should totally do the name game. Then I’ll get to use all those baby names I have left in my list. I’m skipping the historical character thing altogether though, and replacing it with pop starlets 🙂

  28. madmad says:
    September 1, 2009 at 10:53 am

    Oh, you guys are too funny – and creative – for me. Half the time I call my kid by the dog’s name… or the other kids name… of their dad’s name… and then just end up with – “Whatever the heck your name is, go wash your hands for dinner.”

  29. Domestic Goddess (in training) says:
    September 1, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    That is hilarious. Now I kinda want to play that game with my husband but he is a computer nerd and I am pretty sure all I am going to from him is Mac and PC.

  30. Red says:
    September 1, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    I’m offering up the following for the next round:
    Simon and Simon
    Laurel and Hardy
    Martin and Lewis (frack! someone beat me to the punch on that one)
    Tom and Jerry

  31. Amy says:
    September 1, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I just call my boys “offspring.” It gets right down to the basic meaning and they know that I’m talking to one or both of them. They also understand that I’m not entirely sane and prefer it that way.

  32. Kate says:
    September 1, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    Of course, we have twins. So it’s been:
    Ike & Mike
    Hither & Yon
    Punch & Judy
    Spock & Kirk

    Personally – I love Statler & Waldorf

    Thanks for a great laugh!

  33. Bonnie Childress says:
    September 1, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    I love it! It would be really hard fro us to play, we have 5 kids and I don’t want to have to think that hard.

  34. p-huong says:
    September 1, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    When I have kids, I can already imagine giving them multiple sets of nicknames. Nicknames that I give just in case I can’t remember what I originally named them. Names from their god mother who has a memory rivaled by a walnut. Vietnamese nicknames so their grandmother doesn’t butcher up their real names.

  35. Bonnie Childress says:
    September 1, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    I have a hard time with my kids names too. I get them mixed up all the time. The bad thing being, one of them is named Daniel. So if I mix it up it comes out sounding like “Dan..spence…” My kids get a bit offended when I say damn before their name.

  36. Life at the Funny Farm says:
    September 2, 2009 at 7:33 am

    This applies to animals as well. We have horses and none of them is ever addressed by his or her actual name. We had Banner, who was known as the Little Brown Pony, Wild Beast, Squishy, Animal, and many others too numerous to mention (or even remember). We also have Skip’s Pacific Dancer (we call him Red-Pants), Mellow Miller (we call this one the Big Horse–aren’t we original?),and Ms MJ (also known as Moonboots).

    Collectively they are all called Ponies, so if push comes to shove and I can’t remember which horse I’m referring to, I just say Pony and everyone is happy. This Old Timer’s disease is just debilitating…

  37. ms picket to you says:
    September 2, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    UM?

    Snap, Crackle and Pop?

    I pretty sure we should change the birth certificates.

  38. gh says:
    September 3, 2009 at 12:37 am

    If my ovaries haven’t shriveled up and died before I decide to have children, I will most certainly play this game.

  39. Nap Warden says:
    September 3, 2009 at 7:21 am

    Currently, Bonnie and Clyde are watching TV. I’m gonna drive Husband crazy with this one;)

  40. the mama bird diaries says:
    September 3, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    And you thought there was nothing fresh and exciting after you’ve been married a long time. There you go.

  41. Lela says:
    September 3, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    In honor of Labor Day weekend:
    gin & tonic
    scotch & soda
    rum & coke

  42. Jean says:
    September 4, 2009 at 7:00 am

    My husband and I also love to call our kids by other names; we have three: frick, frack and the other guy.

  43. charmaine says:
    September 6, 2009 at 7:43 am

    Iam literally, in love with your life.

    Kiss

    Startsky

  44. phd in yogurtry says:
    September 7, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    Brooks and Dunn?

  45. pea says:
    September 7, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    hey wendi, just so you know, Whisper has done it again:

    http://www.facebook.com/happyitshere

    two years on and your letter is still relevant. those buggers just do not learn.

  46. bwt says:
    September 8, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    I just call my boys “children of the corn.” They just thought I was weird until my older son found out it was a horror movie. Now he’s offended and says I’m giving him a complex. Hey, if the shoe fits…

  47. tuesday says:
    September 9, 2009 at 7:40 am

    We have B/G twins so we do this all the time.
    Fred & Wilma, Lucy & Ricky, PB & J the list goes on and on.

  48. Kelly Rummelhart says:
    September 19, 2009 at 10:31 am

    So funny! We do this with people we know . . . . a couple that we’re friends with are the Ronald McDonald and the Hamburgler . . . fun!

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