1. First, what kind of suit are you looking for?
a) One-piece
b) Two-piece
c) As many damn pieces as I can possibly cram on and still be buoyant.
2. Which style of swimsuit do you like best?
a) Bikini
b) Tankini
c) 1920’s head-to-toe bathing costume made out of wool-ini
3. What shape best describes your body?
a) A Pear
b) An Apple
c) A value-sized mixed fruit tray from Costco
4. Would you say your bust is:
a) Large
b) Small
c) Something resembling a couple of lazy-ass sock puppets on holiday
5. Your lower body can best be described as:
a) Slim and boyish
b) Curvy and rounded
c) Damn, guuurrllll, you sure got you a Badonka Donka Donk.
6. What type of swimwear coverage do you prefer?
a) A Little
b) A Lot
c) A Hyberbolic Chamber
7. Do you need tummy control?
a) Does Laverne need Shirley?
8. When trying on swimsuits, do you prefer a dressing room with:
a) A full-length mirror and bright, fluorescent lighting
b) A small, cracked mirror and flickering, feeble candlelight
c) A bottle of Jack, a box of Kleenex and Jenny Craig on speed-dial
9. Which activity do you plan on doing most often in your swimwear?
a) Swimming
b) Laying out
c) Slamming six-packs of wine coolers and thinking evil thoughts about the 21 year-old in a tiny bikini who’s lying right next to me and just so totally flaunting it, the nasty, little wench
10. Finally, how much would you like to pay for your new swimsuit?
a) $30.00
b) $50.00
c) If it makes me look like a size-4, I’ll give you my Volvo, my 401K and my wedding ring, no questions asked.
Sheer effing genius. I feel like this and I am a size 2. (But a 42 yr old woman size 2 is TRUST ME SO NOT a 22 yr old woman size 2.)
I have finally become the woman I have always wanted to be. (The lady in the skirted one-piece who “swims” with her head thrust awkwardly above the water-line so as not to mess up her hair-do.)
Next stop, cafeteria lady.
yeah, what is with the freakin lights in these places. Do they want to sell the stuff or not?
Lazy ass sock puppets – hahahahahaha
So, if I answer “c” on all of them what kind of suit should I buy?
I loathe bathingsuit season.
“A bottle of Jack, a box of Kleenex and Jenny Craig on speed-dial”!
LOL. These items should be available at all bathing suit stores!
I totally agree with Hannah!
I went to Vegas last week and left all my swimsuits home. No pool for me. Ha!
I haven’t worn any spandex or lycra in years and I have to say I’m a happier person for it.
Wow! What memories you evoke….
I remember those days…I didn’t much care for laying on the beach, enjoying the sun… and having Greenpeace jumpiung on my back, trying to roll me back in the water screaming, “Don’t give up! Live damn you- LIVE!”
*Sigh…black isn’t a good color for swimwear, trust me…
Thanks for the giggles!
Wool-ini! Badonka donk! You’ve got me roaring.
I haven’t been pregnant in a decade, but it doesn’t stop me from wearing the suit. It’s very liberating to wear an empire waisted, skirty, one-piece–and no need to suck in my gut! A win, win.
Love your blog! I followed the link from Cake Wrecks and am hooked. This post made me laugh out loud at work. Oops.
That is AWESOME!!
My daughter and I just read this and have tears we are laughing so hard. This is the funniest blog I have read since I discovered Cake Wrecks!
Lazy ass sock puppets.
My girlfriend upon finding out I was a 29b asked do they even make those? Only for special order, custom built. She looked at me with horror. She is the owner of a proud prow, in nautical terms, and knows that the “Custom Professional Bra Specialist in the mall is not who you go to for that one.
Well, at least you will not suffer the rigors of gravity. she said. I think she was trying to be kindly and sympathetic.
I took a gulp of my drink, and looked her in the eye. “Think of two fried eggs, stapled to a wall. It ain’t pretty. Eventually, gravity gets everyone.”
The look of shock and horror on her face was immediate. She had always thought that the light built gals would have no issues. She told me that she got the shudders and the giggles every time she though of how I described it to her.
My dad said to me once that my butt looked like two cats fighting in a sack. And then he wondered why I ended up in therapy. You also forgot tube-sock boob, which is what happens when the chestal region plunges southward, post nursing… I like boy short type bottoms, b/c then I don’t have to worry about the ol’ bikini line, as they call it. And I’m currently wresting with two kinds of vanity: the vanity that says dear sweet jeezuz don’t wear a two-piece b/c your tummy is like a tub of old jello; and the who-gives-a-shit-I’m-almost-fifty desire to have a TANNED bowl of old jello.
Lazy ass sock puppets brought back a memory. A woman I worked with was approaching her 60th birthday and as we discussed the effects of gravity, she remarked that she used to be a 36C but now she’s a 36 Long. I laughed so hard I had my first experience with bladder leakage (while sober)!
Apparently this rant is timeless, because here I am in 2012, wishing you were my coffee shop buddy. Freakin’ hilarious, I must say. It’s like some secret club – those of us that need something to swim in, but wondering who the hell invented swim suits…
Thanks for sharing.