About a year ago, I signed up for a Boot Camp in my neighborhood. Not a real boot camp, of course. Our country’s in more trouble than we realize if I’ve been drafted into the armed forces. Please. No, my boot camp recruits suburban women who want to get in shape, meaning the only war we’re currently waging is against the Axis of Evil that’s comprised of Cellulite, Back Fat and Tummy Rolls. Hoorah!
When I first started the camp, the worst part wasn’t that it was held in the dark at 5:30 a.m. Nor was it the fact that I had to run a mile every day (without being chased; something that goes against every single one of my principles). And I even grudgingly got over the fact that, despite my high hopes, my drill instructor, Miss Rebecca, never once got in my face and screamed, “DROP AND GIVE ME 20, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING MAGGOT!” Which, of course, would have been completely fantastic and well worth the enrollment fee.
No, the worst part about the whole thing was when Miss Rebecca would hook up speakers to her iPod, then blast out music while we did squats and lunges. Music like “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred and “Rico Suave” by Gerado. You know, because we weren’t close enough to projectile vomiting all over the parking lot.
I thought of this recently when a friend of mine had a similar experience and asked if she could play her own iPod for everyone. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out so well because the first song that came on was by The Black Eyed Peas and the other women in the class immediately started complaining that they “didn’t like hardcore rap.” Wha? I mean, even I know that’s not hardcore rap and I used to think I was “gangsta” because I once saw MC Hammer in concert.
Anyway, in light of this, I thought I’d try a little experiment and see what the first 5 songs on my iPod are when I hit “shuffle,” then figure out how appropriate they’d be to play during my next boot camp. Here goes:
1. “Slippin’ Into Darkness” by War – Not really a great song, but at least it accurately predicts what I’ll be doing after I try to hold The Plank position for 5 minutes.
2. “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Buddy Guy – Well, this one works because there really ain’t no damn sunshine when you’re stupid enough to work out at 5:30 a.m. I mean, who’s even awake at 5:30 a.m.? Farmers and serial killers, that’s who.
3. “Got To Give It Up” by Marvin Gaye – Yay! This is my favorite song ever, so if any of the other ladies don’t like it, they’re welcome to come over to my mat and let me and my 10-pound dumbell change their mind.
4. “Tequila Sunrise” by The Eagles – Let’s see–I like tequila, the sun is rising and well, I’ve got to do something to make this pain in my hamstrings go away, don’t I? Must remember to pack pack orange juice and a shot glass in my gym bag from now on.
5. “Who Let the Dogs Out” by Who The Hell Knows – Um, I’m not sure how this one got on here. I blame Steve Jobs.
But now that I think about it, maybe it’s safer if I don’t offer up my iPod the next time I attend a boot camp because I’m probably just one Manilow away from being forced to scrub out the latrine with my toothbrush. And honestly, I don’t think I can squat for that long.
I think Chris put ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ on your iPod. Remember the drive around Tahoe and the songs he picked while you were sick in the back seat?
This is actually kind of fun. I should do this.
But seriously, hard core rap? The Black Eyed Peas? They’re hard core rap for suburban teenagers.
Who let the dogs out it my favorite song! I’d definitely work out to that 🙂
Oh, and I’ve been doing the waking up at 5:45 am for work outs… surprisingly its very very crowded out here that early in NYC – I’m now worried there are a lot of serial killers also exercising that early (or farmers).
You and Comedy Goddess. What’s with all the shuffling?
There’s no song out there that can keep me sane and focused during workouts.
BEP hardcore? They aren’t considered hardcore for anyone! Even when the rapping ones rap their verse during songs, they aren’t hardcore or talking about violence. Their goal is to get your booty shaking for dance purposes, not shaking out of fear of a drive by. Sheesh!
I for one will not allow Steve Jobs to be blamed for this, Who Let the Dogs Out-gate. Because Steve Jobs is the coolest, smartest and kindest man in the entire universe and I know as soon as he reads this he is totally going to give me a free iPhone. Cuz, like I defended him on the internet and all. What? It could totally happen.
I’ll take Richard Simmons, Dancing with the Oldies Workout anytime compared to that gangsta rap.
I signed up for a boot camp once and literally slept through the first two sessions and then was too embarrassed to show up. Of course they didn’t refund my money so I spent $250 for my alarm to go off every morning at 5:00 am so I could press the snooze button. I love Who Let the Dogs Out.
oh wendi, the ladies will dig Manilow!
Farmer and serial killers…yes, I think those are the only people up at 5:30 a.m. ugh. For years I didn’t even know there was a 5:30 AM. What the heck? I thought it only came around once…at night. Good luck on the working out. I suggest some Barbara Streisand. You’ll work out faster just to make her STOOOOP. Sorry if you are a fan. Apparently I am not. 🙂
manilow? Know every word to every song. Oh yeah, baby. Mine would be similar only I would have had at least one song by the Bee Gees
Do they still play Right Said Fred at those things?
Ahem, I mean exercise things obviously, not boot camp things. I have always wondered who had the guts to sign up for one of those. You must have a stronger constitution than I.
I almost couldn’t get passed the 5:30 a.m. thing, but it was so funny, I forgave you and read on.
With my luck, my mp3 player (no fancy iPod here, no siree) would start on “I’d Love You to Want Me” by Lobo.. one of my more sentimental tunes …the song that played in 6th grade dance class while I fox trotted in the arms of a serious boy-crush (who turned out to be gay, I learned a couple years ago). But I would be hard pressed to explain that away in boot camp.
I prefer jogging around town laughing my ass off to David Sedaris, Ira Glass, or currently Chelsea Handler.