Dear Parents:
It’s time for our annual preschool Easter Egg Hunt! We can hardly wait for the fun to begin, but first we have to take care of some business.
Due to the rather “ugly incidents” that transpired during last spring’s egg hunt, it has unfortunately become necessary for us to now take certain precautions. Specifically, precautions regarding what items parents use to fill the plastic eggs for our children.
Listed below you will find items that SHOULD NOT, under any circumstance, be used to fill the plastic eggs used for our special hunt. For most of you, this list is simple common sense. However, as we learned far too late last year, there seem to be a few “trouble-making mothers” who apparently find it amusing to go to a biker bar the night before the egg hunt, get “totally sh*tfaced,” then “load up the mothereffin’ Eastey eggs” so chaos can then ensue at the preschool’s expense.
We truly hope these inconsiderate renegades (and don’t think we don’t know who you are, ladies) will not take this rather nasty route again and instead, fill the eggs with lollipops, jellybeans and other items that represent the Spirit of the Bunny. Let’s make this a wonderful day for the children and finally reassure the state of Texas that our school does not need to be investigated or red-flagged again.
NOT TO BE USED AS EGG FILLERS:
Cigarettes
Diet Pills
Slightly used nicotine patches
Salt
Lime Slices
Tequila
Beer Nuts
Jell-O Shooters
Harley-Davidson-brand thong underwear
Hair Extensions
Lee Press-On Nails
Cocktail Napkins covered in unemployed men’s phone numbers
“Feminine items”
“Contraceptive items”
Piercings
Live bait
Tattoo Parlor “Buy One/Get One Half-Off” coupons
Olives
Maraschino cherries
The address to the local methadone clinic written in crayon
K-Y Jelly
Chicken
The preschool administration thanks you for your cooperation in this matter. We know that you want only the best for your children, and that’s why we have no doubt that this year, you mothers will fill the eggs with happiness, with joy and with fun.
But we’re still going to fingerprint each and every one of you smelly skanks just to be sure.
Happy Easter!
____________
ha! hilarious. 🙂 Happy Easter!
what…. no peeled off wet beer bottle labels? Whats wrong with you?
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s been screwing chickens.
I have nothing to say about this as I’m still reeling from all the matzoh in my colon
I love the mothe-effin Easty eggs! too funny!
Very, very clever!
If you find some with valium, those are mine.
And I want them back.
This is why Jews are The Chosen.
load up the mothereffin eastey eggs. hehehehe
Why are you so close minded?
I’d write more but I’m a bit traumatized by Jessica’s comment about the matzoh in her colon.
But peanuts and pretzels are ok, right?
Jeez, I’ve been wondering where my Harley crotchless undies went. Could you please send them back? Thanks.
I didn’t see the assortment of Day-Glo and glow-in-the-dark condoms. Nothing says lovin’ like a screaming neon banana with a half-life of two minutes.