Hello, there!
(grunt) Hey. See some ID?
Sorry, but I didn’t bring it with me tonight.
Need to see some ID.
Yeah, I know. But I totally forgot my license on my kitchen counter. I mean, you don’t even know how crazy it was before I left tonight. Had to get the boys ready for bed, pack some lunches for tomorrow, feed the cat who’s not eating her usual Friskies and is now demanding that we feed her cold cuts from the deli…and, excuse me, but what’s up with that? Stupid cat’s eating our mortgage in gourmet poultry. Please. Anyway, it was a complete madhouse at home, so is it OK if I just go inside the bar now?
Can’t let you in without some ID.
It’s flattering that you’re carding me, it really is, but come on. Take a look at me. See? See that? I’m wincing because the music is too loud. I’m carrying hand sanitizer in my purse. For the love of God, man, I’m wearing a stretchy, off-white t-shirt from CHICO’S. Clearly, I’m on the darkside of 21 here, OK?
Rules are rules. Gotta check everyone.
Alright, let’s play hardball. Look at my face. Right here. These are CROWS FEET. Yeah, as in “wrinkles that resemble the feet of ugly black birds.” And NOBODY under 21 has these babies. Trust me. No-body. Oh, and also–see these two parallel lines running right in between my eyebrows? These furrows that make it look like I have the 405 Freeway on my face? Total 40-year-old magic right there, dude. You can’t fake that shit.
What?
Listen, I know what you’re thinking, Big Mike. You’re thinking “Why doesn’t she just shut up and get some damn Botox injections already?” And I hear you. I do. But Botox is just so expensive. Like I really want to pay $300 to put botulism in my face. Well, I kind of do want to pay that, but I can’t afford to. Besides, couldn’t I just go to a scummy grocery store, pick up a few bloated cans of soup, then open them up and stick them on my forehead to get the same result? Actually, that’s not such a bad idea, now that I think about it. I’m so going to Google that later. Do you think it’d be under “natural beauty tips” or “home remedies”? Maybe it’d be on Oprah.com. No, no, Dr. Oz probably wouldn’t be down with putting diseased tin cans on your skin, but then again…
Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
What? What was that? What did you just call me?
Um…”ma’am”?
Ah ha! You called me “ma’am”! That PROVES you know I’m over 21 and that you don’t really need to see my ID, rule or no rule. Score!
(long pause) If I let you go inside, will you leave me alone for the rest of the night?
Trust me. You won’t even know I’m here.
Somehow I doubt that, ma’am.
Yeah, Big Mike, so do I.
Oh. I feel SO sorry for you Wendi. Really, all dolled up for a night on the town in your one-size-fits-most machine washable travel-wear and you had to suffer this hassle? Getting carded? Oh the humanity.
Hate to mention it, but none of this would have happened if you had gracefully met your previous engagement and STAYED HOME AND WATCHED MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER and IM’d with someone whom shall remain nameless INSTEAD of totally blowing me, um her, off and venturing out in the REAL WORLD with a REAL FRIEND so you could regale the rest of us suburban moms who DON’T go out and DON’T have friends IRL with your cute little stories about how you were mistaken for being underage.
Yeah. Whatever. Cry me a river sister.
See persistence pays off! I was carded recently at a restaurant…I’m 44 years old for Pete’s sake…just bring the wine!
They card in TEXAS?! I thought they attached bottle nipples right onto the Bud cans there!
Congrats on the piece in Hybrid Mom!!
Way to wear that whipper-snapper down…Good thing you didn’t have to flash him (see these boobs! These ain’t no 20 year old boobs.)
A month ago I walked into a store, purchaced a 12 pack of Corona and went to my car. I then realized I forgot to buy cigarettes, walked back into the store for some smokes and the same dipshit pimple faced sales clerk ID’d me. I ever so politely said “I was just in here 2 seconds ago and bought beer with no ID and NOW you are going to card me for cigarettes?” For petes sake I am 38 rough years old give me a damn break. He refused so I left.I was furious. I have since quit smoking(2 weeks and counting WOOHOO) I now have pink eye and a severe upper resp. infection which makes me sound like Darth Vader when I breath, and a pinched nerve in my back so I kinda look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Damn I wish I still smoked I would love to know if that little shit would still card me, cause now I look and act like an 90 year old.
I’m only 32, but have gray hair at my temples for a couple of years. I never ever got carded at age 30.
Two years ago, I decided to grow out my beard, just because. I decided to keep it because shaving is for suckers. There are huge gray patches in the beard. At about the same time, I desperately needed my eyes checked and ended up with glasses for the first time ever. I also started wearing my hair shorter, which showed off the patches of gray even more.
Now I get carded every single time. WTF? It’s not a disguise!. They aren’t Groucho Marx fake nose and moustache glasses!
Chicos? Totally a sign of middle age. Next you’ll be hitting the new Coldwater Creek at the Bee Cave Galleria for awesome sales. Not that I would know.
If he had been any rougher, you would’ve had to point out the stretch marks or age spots. Not that I think you have any, I may just, er, know someone who does.
About 4 years ago, I was carded to enter an R-rated movie. Holy god, I almost kissed that pimply faced boy right on the lips.
And, yeah, I just realized you live in TEXAS! When I visited, I was told that you can have open containers of alcohol in the car and DRINK THEM while the car is moving just so long as they don’t catch the driver drinking them. Up here in Massachusetts, it is a long complicated PITA to get a beer down during a long ride.
GREAT story!
The last time I got carded was when my husband and I were out of town. The husband had had a LOT to drink and still wanted one more drink before we went back to the hotel room (to pass out). When he walked in, he loudly asked if we were in a gay bar. We were not. I put husband on the porch and went to order our drinks. After getting carded while everyone was glaring at me, I couldn’t find my wallet (it was in the bag but I was flustered). I just went back to the porch and told the husband they wouldn’t serve us. He was so mad but it convinced him to leave.
ROFLMAO! I get carded too and it used to annoy me but as I approach 40, I *love* it!
Love this! Fast thinking on your part, too. The only way I would get carded anymore is to make sure I qualified for the early-bird discount. Sigh.
Validation. I love being over 40.
A few years ago (okay, maybe 11 or 12), I was at Busch stadium for a Cardinals game (yeah, named after the beer) when a little twirp carded me at a beer “kiosk”. For a brief moment I felt youthful. Then, she looked at my ID, squinted at the birthdate and before handing it back, announced LOUDLY, “Man, you IS old.”
Yes I is.
wait, were we at the same bar on Saturday night. Same thing happened to me, literally only I just made out with him right away and didn’t bother with the small talk BUT i did get in.
this reminds me of the movie knocked up. hi-freaking-larious.
Wendi – there is no excuse for wearing Chicos.
Love this post!
And everytime I hear ma’am, it makes me want to kill myself. Is that too over dramatic?
Yeah, seriously, what was Big Mike’s problem? You TOTALLY look at LEAST 40.
snort.
Geez – Botox is so expensive there.
When I USED to even TRY going out, I’d use the “Do-these-look-like- the-bags-of-a-minor?” rhetorical question. It worked!
Does this mean that once I hit 40 (in another 3 1/2 years) I’ll be carded again? NOW I have something to look FORWARD to! Woo-Hoo!
I know your from Austin bc of the maxipad article and let me tell you I am the new, biggest fan of your stuff. I am a young aspiring reporter and still learning, so your stuff is a pleasure to read.
The thing is, I myself, also live in Austin…although I am 21, I have even noticed the bouncers here are weird. On my 21st birthday I tried to get into Shakespeares.
Earlier that day I had bought a new top, spent a while curling my short blonde hair and gotten my makeup done at Mac. Mac, the holy everything of makeup. Not to mention I had to drive 3+ hours to get to Austin.
So I walk up to the door and the bouncer, who I did not do anything to or say anything to, did not let me in. After 10mins of thinking up a plan to get in and another 10 finding the back door to the place, which was apparently heavily guarded, I realized I was too drunk.
Nevertheless, it was my 21st birthday and all I really wanted to do was go into Shakespeares, and talk to him about how I had also fallen for Romeo.
Thank you bouncers of Austin.
I went through the “Look buddy gray hair and wrinkles. Trust me, I don’t want to be here either, but my mentally challenge friends with no fear of permanent hearing loss are in there, and are expecting me. What stands between me getting to them is your common sense. Look at me. Is there any chance I am a teenager trying to cage some drinks?”
“Sorry lady, we have to scan the drivers licenses and keep them on file.”
“Whoa, there big guy. In your twenties, show your ID. Inane, but I understand that. But now you are keeping my information? On file? Who has access to it?”
“It is all very safe. It is only staff that can access it.” My mind whirls at the various people I have met working clubs bars and lounges. I shudder at the thought. Images of strung out cocaine dealing waitresses and their ratty boyfriend knowing my address, and that I am not home at that very moment make my eyebrows involuntarily lift my glasses.
“Besides, then we can give all this information to the police if we have another stabbing, or riot.”
“Another stabbing? How many weapons of fences have happened here, big guy?”
He started to look a little uncomfortable. “Not many,” he mumbled. “mostly it is fist fights.”
I laugh hysterically as walk out to go to a different club.
Side note: I was not terribly surprised when the establishment was cited for personal information violations. Really, ya think?