In every relationship, there are a few arguments that just never seem to go away. For example, at least once a year, my husband and I fight about a pick-up basketball game we played over 12 years ago. He claims that during the game I got angry, spit water in his face and called him a lousy mothereffer. And I claim that there’s no way I ever did such a horrible, nasty thing, I mean, how could he even think I’d do something like that? (But between you and me, I totally did. Dude kept blocking my outside shot. I had no choice.)
Another of our perennial disputes usually happens right after we’ve gone out to dinner. Walking back to the car, Chris will try to hand me the keys but, 10 times out of 10, I’ll wave him away and say, “Sorry, but I’m just too full to drive right now.”
For some reason he doesn’t believe this excuse, which means we then have to have a long, involved discussion about whether or not the five pieces of pepperoni pizza I just inhaled could actually impair my driving ability. But I mean, really.
After a trip to Krispy Kreme, don’t you think the roads are a lot safer if I’m sprawled in the passenger seat with icing and self-loathing smeared all over my face, rather than behind the wheel trying to merge onto I-35? And God knows how many accidents I might cause if I try to drive home after gorging on wontons at a Super Chinese buffet. With all of that deep fried MSG in my system, I just know a nine car pile-up or high-speed chase or some other terrible road rage incident is bound to happen, and that’s why someone else needs to drive. I’ll just be over here loosening my pants and playing with the stereo if you need me.
Then there’s our other yearly squabble–the one about whether or not we actually saw Natalie and Tootie from The Facts Of Life driving next to us on the 405 freeway in Santa Monica one time. Chris heatedly insists that he’s 100% certain it was them, but I loudly disagree and point out that there’s no way it could have been them because 1) they were in a ’79 Chevy Impala with a naked Latina woman airbrushed on the hood and 2) the one he thought was Natalie was actually a chubby Armenian gentleman with a gold tooth and a comb-over.
But you know, I guess he could be right on this one. After all, the guy in the backseat did look a lot like Ms. Garrett.
MEN! Can’t argue with them correctly…Can’t make ’em happy by giving them the last word! Of course, mine NEVER gets the last word…usually.
Whatever happened to the good old days of ‘get off the couch and get a job!’ or ‘are you drunk? It’s 11:30 in the morning!”?
you know, when you said, “Sorry, but I’m just to full to drive right now,” i kinda thought you meant “full of alcohol from that gallon of gallo wine i drank with those 5 pieces of pizza.” or the tsingtao beer w/the chinese food. or the baileys irish cream to wash down the krispy kremes. oh wait, should i not be writing these things down where others can read them? ok, forget what i wrote.
Don’t even get me started how badly I drive if I haven’t had what I think is my fair share of Honey Nut Cheerios in the morning
Sounds like my husband who tries to tell me over and over that I tried to kill him three times. It was twice. Twice! The one time we were driving somewhere and he would not help me merge. I couldn’t see and he just kept talking and talking! That can not count for trying to kill him. Dang it!
We also have several annual fights. We don’t fight a lot (mayb we aren’t creative enough to come up with more topics), but we do like to have the same fights over and over again.
That is hilarious!!! My husband and I almost called off our wedding a few days before, because we got into a knock down drag out (metaphorically, not in the Rhianna/Chris Brown sense) about whether you can choke on water or if it is considered drowning. God help us, we still fight about it!
So who was allegedly driving? Tootie or Natalie? If it was “Tootie” then it’s a case of mistaken identity: girlfriend can’t drive with roller skates on.
Hope that settles it.
Love this! My husband and I have serial arguments on 1) whether or not he took me to the local Sir Pizza when we were in college and 2) who turned who on to the delights of crabcakes and creme brulee. Wonder why all our arguments revolve around food???
You need to tell him that your extended full stomach would inhibit the drivers side airbag from working properly.
Something about proper inflate clearance – or something like that.
OK, even your fights are better than mine! Ours – a monthly one, and I’m not totally sure it’s not connected to other monthly events – mostly involves the “who does more around here” issue. Then there is the whose turn it is to plunge the toilet argument, which is pretty much a daily one.
I have those as well. Ugh! In the end it comes down to me insisting he’s a crack whore, but he’ll have nothing of it!
Him: “I’m a good catch!”
Me: “In your dreams mister”
Him: “Whatever.”
Me: “Whatever … whore slut.”
BUT! It’s all “pet names” and love involved. The word whore stops me from dropping the f-bomb for some odd reason. Plus, it turns most arguments into comedy, which is for the greater good.
my annual fight used to be that my ex drove my van for about 20 miles with the parking brake on…I saw it , i know….but he denied it til the day we divorced…He has NO idea what made the engine blow its oil….go figure!
I don’t understand how Chris could be wrong about so many things. You’d think that the law of averages would catch up with him at some point, no?
I love the idea of Nat and Tootie travelling together, after all these years.
It sounds like you or your husband have never gotten a DWF – Driving While Full – charge before. The husband would take it more seriously if he had to pay that fine!
And I love the idea of Tootie and Natalie out on the freeway. Hopefully, it was Tootie driving because I’m sure Natalie would be too full.
The important thing is that you are right in all three arguments. The girls from The Facts of Life in an Impala…. as if! And no one want you on I-35 stuffed to the gills with crispy cremes (I’ll take a few of those off your hand if the self-loathing gets too bad).
All are better than my and my husband’s quarterly quarrel over housework and exactly what 50/50 means.
You know, I wish there were only a handful of reoccuring fights/disagreements between my husband and I!!!
You are so funny! My husband and I fight about driving too – I mostly just refuse to do it 🙂
Our repetitive car fight goes like this:
Scene: on our way to or from a 5 hour drive to see family
Me: I’ll drive.
Him: NO, I’ll start out and go halfway.
Me: settle in and get comfy, drowsy, even
After 20 minutes:
Him: I’m tired, you have to drive.
Me: Noooooooooooo
Sometimes when I’m having the same damn argument with my husband, i just get so tired of it all. I want to say, “Remember all that stuff i said that last we had this argument? Well, ditto everything i said before. and now i’m going to watch tv.”
You never fail to make me laugh.
Ours is a mini-golf game we had ten years ago where he swears I promised to give him a b-job if he won. Whatever. First of all, I totally kicked his ass when his nerves got the best of him at the windmill and then he bogeyed it at the panda face. And seriously… I gag when I brush my teeth.
The first argument we had was over how I cut tomatoes. He knew better. Years later, he still thinks he does. When will he go away?
Oh wait…
Anyway. Ann Rants sent me. She would….
I’m amazed that after half a pepperoni pizza, and a dozen Krispy Kremes, you still find extra room for Chinese food.
Oh, it’s on separate trips that this occurs?
This post killed me, by the way. Beautifully visceral and hysterical!
God. You still fight about the same things? We stopped all that long ago
Now we fight about anything and everything.
Don’t I wish my husband would give me the key and let me drive!
Driving with him is like being with Miss Daisy but without Morgan Freeman.
ha, that’s hilarious. My sisters and I have arguments like this sometimes where we are 180% certain that something happened the way we thought it did, though it’s almost always the way I think it happened!
And I’m with you on teh too full to drive theory!! Sometimes it just hurts your head when your stomach is so full, and why should we be driving in that condition? We shouldn’t. Natalie and Tootie are safer on the roads if we do not drive on a full stomach.