1. First, what kind of suit are you looking for?
a) One-piece
b) Two-piece
c) As many damn pieces as I can possibly cram on and still be buoyant.
2. Which style of swimsuit do you like best?
a) Bikini
b) Tankini
c) 1920’s head-to-toe bathing costume made out of wool-ini
3. What shape best describes your body?
a) A Pear
b) An Apple
c) A value-sized mixed fruit tray from Costco
4. Would you say your bust is:
a) Large
b) Small
c) Something resembling a couple of lazy-ass sock puppets on holiday
5. Your lower body can best be described as:
a) Slim and boyish
b) Curvy and rounded
c) Damn, guuurrllll, you sure got you a Badonka Donka Donk
6. What type of swimwear coverage do you prefer?
a) A Little
b) A Lot
c) A Hyberbolic Chamber
7. Do you need tummy control?
a) Does Laverne need Shirley?
8. When trying on swimsuits, do you prefer a dressing room with:
a) A full-length mirror and bright, fluorescent lighting
b) A small, cracked mirror and flickering, feeble candlelight
c) A bottle of Jack, a box of Kleenex and Jenny Craig on speed-dial
9. Which activity do you plan on doing most often in your swimwear?
a) Swimming
b) Laying out
c) Slamming six-packs of wine coolers and thinking evil thoughts about the 21 year-old in a tiny bikini who’s lying right next to me and just so totally flaunting it, the nasty, little wench
10. Finally, how much would you like to pay for your new swimsuit?
a) $30.00
b) $50.00
c) If it makes me look like a size-4, I’ll give you my Volvo, my 401K and my wedding ring, no questions asked.
I answered so many Cs, I think that key on the keyboard is about to fail.
Just yesterday I was wondering how much I would pay for a suit that would cover the stretch marks from twins and still make me look like the size 4 I was in college.
No more skinny dipping in the ‘cement pond.’
I’m off to the tent makers to see what they can do…
That 1920’s “wool-ini” would sure help out us guys by suppressing that back-hair forest and slimming down some of those gut / love handle bulges. Plus, at the beach, the wool would make the sand seem less itchy.
What is this “swimsuit” thing you speak of?
LMAO – my daughter and I are going shopping for new suits TONIGHT as we are heading to the beach for the weekend. I plan on consuming approximately 47 margaritas before hitting the dressing room.
My son will chauffer.
My daughter will pretend she doesn’t know me when I VERY loudly ask her if that string bikini fits or if her pubes are hanging out.
God will have His revenge.
Sweet Jesus.. I’ve never been a sz 4 in my life.. well.. I could be if Chico’s decides to broaden their size range????? maybe…just maybe 🙂
One of my high school teachers taught me that if you don’t know the answer, “C” is always your best bet. While I have found that that is usually rue, somehow that technique didn’t work out so well this time.
I don’t care how lucky you got in the gene-pool, after a couple of kids, Laverne definitely needs Shirley to help hold up the sock puppets.
Candy McD
Does anyone else ever have the urge to tap that 21 year-old (the one with the perfect tight ass) on her tanned and toned shoulder and say, oh so sweetly, “Enjoy it now, honey, because back in the day my butt was way better than yours” and watch as she recoils in horror as she gets a glimpse of her future?
It’s even more fun after a pitcher or two of mojitos.
Hi Wendy,
This is really funny, and I love Costco – just don’t want to look like one of their huge fruit trays! lol 🙂
OMG! Love this one!!
What is the old adge? “When all else fails, pick “c”…? Well, my body has failed me in one too many ways to wear a swimsuit anymore.
I answered C to every question. Except for #4 because I bought them.
#3 made me bust out laughing. I just got home from Costco. And I have to say that I LOVE their value-sized fruit trays. And the pizza.
Even better is when you get to wear the maternity swimsuit all summer. Preggo with #3 means I am looking smoking hot.
I’m with you on 10!
Love, love, Love it!!!! I stop by everyday to see if you have posted anything new. I almost jump up and down clapping with joy saying YAY! when you post. That is before I even read it. Thanks for all you do for the rest of us. Loved the sock puppets the best.
We really ought to all go to the beach togther and do something with those size 4 wenches.
Real women unite!
Does any version of the aformentioned swimsuits come with:
A) 30 day money back guarantee
B) Chlorine proof fabric
C) Dishy, limber, ripped, legally blind, Cabana Boy into chunky older chicks.
That was the funniest darn thing I have read in ages, thank you!
brilliant. as usual!
Lying in the sun is bad for your health. Lying in the sun next to a 21-year-old in a teeny bikini is bad for your self-esteem.
Hope red, white, and blue are still in for 2008? (I’m talking about my legs, not my swimsuit).
Two words: Sarong. Soright.
Lisa Too
ROTFLMAO (oh, if only it were possible to lose my ass that easily!) i’m glad it’s not just me who loathes swimsuit shopping with the fire of 1000 suns!
– fat and (sorta) happy
As always, you are hilarious. As always, it applys to me….
I love summer except for the bathing suits. How did something I use to just throw on without even thinking become such a nightmare. Aghhhh…
You are hilarious.
Thank you for discovering my blog so that I could discover yours.
Absolutely freaking hilarious. The last one is my favorite I think. Or the sock puppets. Summer is truly a cruel, cruel time. I feel like Bridget Jones every time I go near the mall (which I try to never do, but sometimes it is a necessity). And just for the record, if I stand in one more freaking dressing room and hear one more “mom/sister/bff, can you please see if they make this is a 000, the 00 is too big…” bad things are gonna happen. Bad things. Beyond that, what moron executive decided to create size 0? Anyway.
LMAO!
You need to post more blogs a week. Its torture waiting for the next one.
Fortunately, my love of the water exceeds my vanity. I’ve been a lifeguard for almost 20 years (yes, I hope to be the world’s oldest someday). I love to swim, snorkle and scuba. However, I gave birth to one 11lbs, 1oz baby, followed three years later by an 11lbs, 2oz baby (Mr. One-up, we call him). Needless to say, my stomach resembles a mama kangaroo when her pre-teen joey first leaves the pouch. It still looks as if it’s expecting to store something (perhaps a six-pack? not the muscle kind, but the Mickey’s Big Mouth kind complete with cardboard carrier and recylcling area) and gives my cat endless opportunity to practice kneading for when she finally opens her own bread shop. My thighs are in a constant, slow-motion fireworks display where the height of the explosion never fades; after the POW!! it just freezes forever – so patriotic am I!
elizabutt
My dear Wendi,
I am happy to present you with a solution that will take care of all your summer woes.
http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html
If you’re clever, I think you can probably fit a few of those “Jack Daniel’s Country Cocktails” up under there, too.
Thanks for ‘visiting’ me and for the great idea! We haven’t tried reverse psychology yet, and I remember it being effective on me as a kid!
I’m glad you don’t mind being on my blog roll. I found you through bonnie,(the Zoo)and my husband and I think you are hysterical! Thanks for many good laughs.
Buying a bikini that you feel you can possibly be seen at the beach in…$79.99
Drinking enough margaritas before you hit the beach so you really don’t care what you look like……$89.99
Reading one of Wendi’s hysterically funny posts…..PRICELESS
Love this. I am personally considering taking up scuba diving, but not because I’m into fish or oxygen tanks or the possibility of asphyxiating at the bottom of the sea. I just appreciate the coverage of those black ankle-to-neck-to-wrists rubber suits.