I don’t do holiday decorations. Lighted trees, animated nativity scenes, herds of lit-up reindeer loitering on the lawn like they’re waiting for a 5 o’clock bus…you won’t see any of that in my front yard. Actually, come mid-December, you won’t see my front yard at all. That’s because compared to the rest of the flashing, blinking houses lighting up our neighborhood, we look like the one casino on the strip who forgot to pay their light bill. The Caesar’s Palace of Deadbeats.
It’s not that I dislike Christmas. Or Santa. Or electricity. I just don’t feel the need to combine them. I’d rather spend my December weekends curled up on the couch reading a book than perched atop a 10 foot ladder stringing bubble lights over the garage. And while most people say they decorate for their children’s sake, I’m sure my kids aren’t suffering any. At least not as much as they would be if we had to cash in their savings bonds to pay for the use of 50,000 kilowatts. Besides, if the boys want to see a thousand strings of light, all they have to do is put on their sunglasses and look at the neighbor’s house. That damn thing’s so covered with holiday cheer, it’s the only thing on our planet visible from space besides the Great Wall of China. Plus, it blinks.
There’s another reason I’m not decorating my house this Christmas and that’s the sad fact that our street has been hit by a rather nasty crime wave this year. Over the past month, my neighbors have awakened only to find their yards littered with the lifeless bodies of poor, helpless, innocent victims. Yes, there, motionless on their lawns, lie stabbed inflatable Snowmen, decapitated Santas and, perhaps the worst offense of all, wire reindeer that, sometime during the night, were repositioned into acts I’m pretty sure are still illegal in Texas. They definitely give new meaning to the phrase “On Dasher!”, anyway. So the point is, even if I did put up an inflatable snow globe filled with ice skating penguins and hockey playing polar bears, I’d then have to surround my yard with inflatable Rottweilers, inflatable security guards and an inflatable alarm system and honestly, who wants the hassle of that? I get winded blowing up a balloon.
This December, I’m going to just relax. Take it easy. Maybe if I get caught up in the season, I’ll suck it up and buy a couple of poinsettias for the front porch. Or hang up a wreath. But really, isn’t the holiday spirit that’s inside of us what really counts? Isn’t the way we treat other people what really spreads the message of the season? Or at least that’s what I’ll be telling myself in January–when I’m curled up on the couch watching my neighbors take down the bubble lights from their garage.
You have to wonder how much the globe warms in the month of December. Sounds your neighbors could heat their hot chocolate without ever turning on the stove.
Hay… nice to see that not all Americans are into that overdone holiday festive thing. That’s another stereotype smashed!
I have to wonder too… here in NZ lots of people do the whole snowy, reindeery, penguiny, snowmanny thing for decorations – including big festive blinky lights… the lights I can handle, but people it’s SUMMER down here! Why do we do that snow thing?!
The Geek Mythologies
I’m laying off the decorating this year, too. I stuck a wreath on either side of the door and I’m going to let it go at that.
I wish Fenchurch was more like you. My home has been invaded by stuffed snowmen of every size, gender, and expression you can imagine.
Ugh. Me, too. Except I got sucked in by the “For the kids,” guilt trip. All I know is they had better pick a good retirement home for me. ‘Cuz I’m ready for it now…
If you paid someone to put up (and take down) your lights, does that mean you are lacking in holiday spirit?
Personally, I think it means that we, oops, I mean hypothetical people who do this, are overflowing in holiday sense.
I’m with you all the way…I did a tree and thats it, less work and more time to enjoy!
Here’s a clever decorating tip that makes your home festive … and saves you time as well!! Simply string icicle lights all around your house this Christmas, and leave them there until you move!! When you want to be festive, simply plug ’em in!! And when they’re unplugged, nobody can see them!! A great timesaver for years and years and years!!
Lol, damn tootin’!
My decorating started and stopped with one set of fairy lights for my balcony…..and I only got them because I spend a lot of time out there and it gets dark at night!
Excellent post as usual and yes, funny as hell too!
Brilliant. xxxx
I think you definitely have the upper hand here. I spent $$$ to have lights put on the house and they blew out. The time and energy it takes to call them back to fix it – they should be paying me.
Can you please write a letter to my husband and tell him it’s okay if we don’t decorate either? Jeez, I’ve been trying to tell him this for weeks now. I’m not into it this year, don’t want to spend my usual three days fastidiously decorating the tree and house (even though we don’t do outside because we’re the last house on a dead end dirt road and I don’t love the UPS man that much). I’m burnt, had a sucky, many-pet-losing fall and if I could crawl in a cave for the next month while the rest of the country has seizures from overdone light displays, I would.
Maybe he’ll agree to the aluminum Festivus pole and call it good? Hmmm, I kinda doubt it.
Thanks for giving me an opportunity to vent. And some much-needed chuckles.
I just discovered your blog and I have been laughing hysterically for the last 20 minutes while I read through your old stuff. I have two little boys and I identify with everything you’ve written about.
omg, still laughing over the fornicating reindeer!
(we don’t do outside decorating either — too lazy, and, like you, our neighbors make the street look festive enough thankyouverymuch