What are the two things Texans like to do most in the summer months? That’s right, complain about the heat and complain about the heat. Luckily there’s an awesome solution to our misery, and it’s located just a few miles down the road from Austin: Schlitterbahn. In addition to being a totally amazing word to say over and over, preferably… Read More >>

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Before we get started, is there an award for cheesiest headline? Because I think I just won with this one. But I don’t care because, all dairy aside, I’m going to tell you about one of Texas’ favorite vacation destinations, Sandestin, Florida, and why you need to get there as soon as you can. I admit to being a little… Read More >>

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Drill Instructor is petite blonde named Tiffaniee, not badass Louis Gossett, Jr. Despite repeated requests, nobody calls me “Maggot” “Drop and give me 20, shithead!” is instead “Um, could you guys, like, do some core work, like now?” Never once forced to scrub a latrine/ladies room at Panera Bread with my toothbrush Other recruits more concerned with getting in shape… Read More >>

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Many years ago, when I was looking for a job, someone told me that the best thing to say if the interviewer asks you to name your biggest weakness is, “I tend to be a perfectionist.” That way you’re oh-so-subtly giving them the message that you’ll work your ass off to get the job done right. Makes sense, I guess…. Read More >>

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When Reagan Lowman was two and a half years old, a neurologist told her parents that their daughter would probably never walk. This was devastating news to Marie and Justin because they’d already been through so much in Reagan’s brief life already. She’d had a stroke in utero at eight weeks old, causing her to be born with the very… Read More >>

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From 1988 to 1990, I lived with 60 other women in Eugene, Oregon. We ate our meals together, slept next to each other, and shared a big, communal bathroom. We wore our hair the same and we dressed the same. We usually traveled in packs of three or four. And once a week, without fail, we held a secret meeting… Read More >>

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We did a bit of spring-cleaning in our house this past week. This initiative wasn’t my idea, but my husband’s because he hates to see his family relaxed and happy. Either that or it’s because he walked into the attic and was hit in the head by a Fisher-Price toy that hasn’t worked since 1999 and now hosts a rather… Read More >>

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Good morning! Is this Mrs. Aarons? That depends. If you’re calling because I won a new car, then “yes,” this is Mrs. Aarons. If you’re calling because you need volunteers for the PTO bake sale, then “no” this definitely isn’t Mrs. Aarons. I’m calling from your gym. Then this is Ikea, her Swedish nanny. Mrs. Aarons no home right now…. Read More >>

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Wendi Aarons is not a serious candidate. Wendi Aarons was born in North Dakota, which might not even be in the United States. Wendi Aarons claims her dog ate her birth certificate. Wendi Aarons’s Aarons’ Aarones’? cats say she’s unstable. Wendi Aarons is not exactly sure how to write the possessive of her own last name, but will send any… Read More >>

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Not too long ago, I attended a very nice cocktail party with some very nice people, and while there, I met a sophisticated older woman named Margaret. We chatted about this and that, and I found myself quietly marveling at how impeccable she was in her appearance. Gorgeous white hair, flawless make-up, and understated, yet clearly expensive jewelry. There wasn’t… Read More >>

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