Spring Has Sprung

March 12th, 2011

It’s spring break for us this week, and I have big plans to celebrate by cleaning up cat puke and wearing a wet t-shirt while I Swiffer. Then maybe I’ll kick it up a notch and try to get arrested for public intoxication at Target or something. Oh, it’s going to be MADNESS, I tell you. Madness.

Anyway, here’s something I wrote a couple of years ago:


1. Take off your pants.

2. Stand in front of full-length mirror.

3. Look at those freaky naked mole rats you call legs and realize you probably shouldn’t have spent the previous four months sitting on the couch watching “Wife Swap” and eating bulk cream cheese.

4. Put pants back on and pray like a motha for a cold front.

Maybe that one could have stayed in the deep freeze a little longer, now that I think about it.

In other news, last week I was lucky enough to be given tickets to see my first ever Cirque de Soleil show called “Dralion.” (I think a Dralion is what you get when you mix a dragon with a lion.) (Not to be confused with a Liger.) (Which, of course, is only used for magic.) Here’s one of the guys from the show who might be wearing a tad too much foundation:

Dralion is at the Cedar Park Center, located about three Best Buys and four Olive Gardens away from our neighborhood, but still a really a great place to see a show. Not a bad seat in the house. As I anticipated, the colors and imagery of Dralion were bold and stunning, the dancing and acrobatics were amazing and the entire two hours went by in a vibrant blur. (And it didn’t even bother me that I have about 5 inches and 100 pounds on every single performer in the show. It really didn’t.)

However, what I enjoyed the most about the night was how much my seven and nine-year-old boys laughed and giggled at the naughty clowns. So much so that the people sitting by us turned around and remarked on how fun it was to hear their laughter. Here’s one of the clowns who was speaking either Italian or French and was sort of dressed like my high school algebra teacher before he was asked to take early retirement:

Thank you to the nice Cirque people for the opportunity to take the kids to see something that made them belly laugh and that, unlike most kids movies, didn’t make me want to bash my head against the wall. The show will be in Austin until spring break ends on March 20th, and so will I.

That is, unless I finally win a wet t-shirt contest and make it to nationals. (Fingers crossed!)


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  • 1. Kathykate  |  March 12th, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    so glad your boys were laughing with delight over Cirque and not screeching in horror at mom naked in full length mirror. That would be some serious couch time down the road!

  • 2. Harriet May  |  March 12th, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Oh oh ohhhh! I’m going to see Cirque du Soleil’s Totem here in Charlotte next week! I don’t have any offspring to take but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my boyfriend will behave at least as well as your kids.

  • 3. Thomas C  |  March 12th, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Clowns are terrifying enough. Clowns that speak French are unthinkable.

    You are a very, very brave woman.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a half pound of cream cheese to polish off.

  • 4. Regina  |  March 12th, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    No wonder I hate spring cleaning- I haven’t been doing it right! Off to soak my t-shirt now…

  • 5. Surfie  |  March 12th, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    My husband gets to go see Cirque du Soleil at the end of the month in Charlotte. It’s the one that’s held in a giant tent or something. He’s a teacher at a high school and the IB kids get to go and he’s chaperoning. I’m so jealous that I don’t get to go. :( He got to go to one last year too, but I don’t remember which one. I’m glad to hear you had such a great time!

    And thanks for reminding me that my legs could use some work before shorts-weather gets here for good. *off to do squats and lunges*

  • 6. Jen  |  March 12th, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    I’ve seen several of their performances. They are extremely entertaining but I always advise people not to pull a Charlie Sheen and show up having imbibed anything mind altering. You might just end up thinking you should be on the wrong end of a straight jacket.

  • 7. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him  |  March 12th, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    I’d vote for you in a wet T shirt. As long as you’re serving up pink jello shots, too.

    I’m en route to South Beach right now, staring at my naked mole rat legs and praying like a motha for rain in Florida.

  • 8. Invader_Stu  |  March 12th, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Making to nationals with a wet t-shirt contest… now there is an episode of Glee I have never seen (but deeply wish I had).

  • 9. gigi  |  March 12th, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    yes, I have acquired blogger’s ass this year and I am not looking forward to trying shorts back on.

    Or shaving my legs, because I don’t do that much in the winter. I like the braided look.

    I’m so glad to hear your kiddos liked CDS…I’m thinking of getting tickets for one day this week.

  • 10. Fragrant Liar  |  March 12th, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    I have looked in the mirror at myself naked for the last six weeks (since I moved into my daughter’s) because I have a closet that is the width of my bedroom and it’s unavoidable whenever I change. I’ve therefore been in shock for the last six weeks–and vigorously practicing indolence. Kind of a zen indolence actually, cuz it’s calming. So I’m not remotely ready for my thighs to glow at the rest of the world. That would be bad.

    Great to meet you, btw. Lunch soon, eh?

  • 11. alexandra  |  March 12th, 2011 at 7:55 pm


    Just…I don’t want to think about it.

    The shorts, the legs…just…why didn’t I run around naked when I was 18, is what I want to know.

    I should’ve.

  • 12. Diane  |  March 13th, 2011 at 6:46 am

    I spend a lot of time out near Cedar Park, heaven help me – and have seen the CPC – looks like a nice place. Maybe should check out the show – if only I could win free tix for me and my 4 kids. No mo and $braces$ in the next fiscal quarter. Heaven help me.

  • 13. Nancy Davis Kho  |  March 13th, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Last summer was so cold that we went to our pool club three times, at a cost of approximately $800 per visit. On the plus side, though, I barely had to give my quilted thighs and jellyfish colored legs a second thought. Almost worth the money spent in not going.

  • 14. the mama bird diaries  |  March 13th, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    I have overdosed on Cirque du Soleil. They are so talented and amazing and I can’t take one more show. My kids can go alone.

  • 15. Peajaye  |  March 13th, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    I thought Dralion was short for Drag-queen Legionnaires.

  • 16. anymommy  |  March 13th, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    You have just given me the gift of something positive about living in the arctic: I never, ever have to take off my pants.

  • 17. Jack  |  March 14th, 2011 at 2:37 am

    If you ever have a problem with naughty clowns call me. I once dealt with a Flying clown and would be happy to extend my services.

    Dralions, Ligers and Bears Oh my.

    Nah, just doesn’t have the same ring as the original.

  • 18. annie  |  March 14th, 2011 at 8:40 am

    You had me at naked mole rats! It’s like you’re living behind my bathroom mirror. You aren’t, right?

  • 19. Nic  |  March 14th, 2011 at 10:41 am

    So should have worked out more! Great post.

  • 20. deborah l quinn  |  March 14th, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    You forgot the boobs that look like tube socks dribbling ever further downward in a perhaps not entirely futile effort to join the hiptal area. If that ain’t enough to make a gal stay inside and swiffer, I don’t know what is. But for a good circus – by which I mean a silly, creative, brilliant circus–I would hoist the girls up, tuck them away (wrapping them around and under my arm pits; don’t try this at home; I can only do it b/c I go to yoga) and leave the house. A GOOD circus (Cirque is one) – but if the Flying Karamazov Brothers ever come to your town…get thyself there. No scary clowns, just brilliant, creative, talented, FUNNY fellows, who are neither brothers or Russian. But probably don’t look good nekkid.

  • 21. Tonya  |  March 15th, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    I only take my pants off with my eyes closed otherwise it’s back into intense psychoanalysis for me. Also, I’m very impressed that you are wearing a wet t-shirt which implies going braless (very impressive). I could not do this, my nipples would get rug burn.
    May you win $20, a string of beads, and a cameo on the next Girls Gone Wild!

  • 22. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac  |  March 15th, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Clearly you are doing something right with your boys that they didn’t run in terror from the clowns. I don’t care how naughty they are, clowns fuh-reak me out.

  • 23. The Flying Chalupa  |  March 15th, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    Cirque de Soleil is totally entertaining. YOU MUST SEE “O.” The best out of all of them. I should know. After Cavalettes I performed with them for a bit. Until my cream cheese habit got out of control.

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