You Have An Item In Your Cart, Asshole

1 p.m.

Hey, there! It looks like you left something in your cart! It’s saved for you and ready to buy. The Roessler Upholstered Storage Bench is waiting for you!

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1:20 p.m.

Good news! The bench you placed in your cart is still there! Get it now before someone else snags this great storage deal!

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1:40 p.m.

ALL BENCHES NOW ON SALE! YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS THESE DEALS! (Roessler Upholstered Storage Bench not included)

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2:00 p.m.

Pssst…. we don’t mean to bother you, it’s just that this bench that’s way more than a spare seat or stylish accent has been sitting in your cart for a while now and we’re getting worried that something has happened to you. Can you just let us know that everything’s okay?

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2:15 p.m.

Honestly, deserting a bench in your storage cart says a lot more about you than it does about us, man. We’ll be fine. We’re good. We’re not going to trip on a non-stored toy, crack our head and die alone and unloved on cold, hard tile like a Dickensian street urchin. You might. Free shipping over $75!

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2:20 p.m.

Question: Who thinks about you day and night and wonders why you abandoned it like a traveling businessman abandons a hooker at sunrise? Answer: The Roessler Upholstered Storage Bench! Are you even getting these emails?

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2:30 p.m.

DON’T MISS THIS! BENCHES NOW UP TO 50% OFF REGULAR PRICE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY THIS IS THE BEST BENCH SALE WE’VE EVER HAD! (Roessler Upholstered Storage Bench not included)

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2:45 p.m.

Just who do you think you are, anyway? You give the Roessler Storage Bench a little attention, a little excitement, get its hopes up, and then you just pretend it doesn’t exist? Get over yourself, idiot. You’re not that hot.

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2:46 p.m.

WE SAW YOUR ATTEMPT TO UNSUBSCRIBE AND IT HAS BEEN DENIED

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2:50 p.m.

It’s like, we know you were interested in the Roessler Upholstered Storage Bench at one point, so what changed? Was it us? Is there something we’re doing that you don’t like? We thought you were into bench frames that flaunt a nailhead trim on the 100% polyester upholstery in a solid neutral color, but hey, maybe we don’t know you as well as we thought we did. Maybe we’re the jerks. Maybe it was all just a stupid, stupid lie.

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3:00 p.m.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PURCHASE! Unfortunately, the item you requested, the Roessler Upholstered Storage Bench, is currently out of stock. We’ll contact you when it’s once again available, most likely in 10-12 weeks.