If you want to become a social media guru, or at least someone who has a lot of close personal friends they will never, ever meet in real life, you must always show your best self on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram. Easier said than done, right? That’s why I wrote this simple quiz to let you know if you’re an internet hero or an internet zero. Good luck!
One should always choose a social media profile pic that looks:
- Professional
- Real and authentic
- Like it was taken underwater by a camera with Vaseline and Crisco on the lens
When a friend posts a picture of her daughter with the caption, “Have you ever seen a more beautiful child?” the appropriate response is:
- “Cute!”
- “Stunning!”
- “jesus christ linda i’ve seen more beautiful mop handles”
Appropriate things to mom-brag about on social media include:
- Potty training
- Straight A’s on a report card
- The judge ruling that it was only a class-D misdemeanor
Inappropriate things to mom-brag about on social media include:
- How fast you lost the baby weight
- Your baby sleeping through the night from day one
- The DNA results showing that there’s an 89% chance your child’s dad is one of the performers at the Yacht Rock concert you attended 10 months ago
If you post a hot picture of yourself in a bikini, make sure to caption it with:
- “Hard work pays off!”
- “Not quite a six-pack after 15 kids, but close!”
- A Brene Brown quote about loving your inner self
When you see a friend’s picture and she has bunny ears and giant eyes on her, ask:
- “Is that a Snapchat filter?”
- “Are you into dressing like animals and going to conventions now? Cool.”
- “Name and number of plastic surgeon?”
The perfect comment to leave on a picture of a friend volunteering at school is:
- “I hope that bake sale has gluten-free options so kids don’t die lol”
- “Must be nice to have so much free time to volunteer #workingmom”
- “I’m helping starving people in Africa, but good job raising money for new lacrosse sticks, Susan”
A funny and original mom/wine meme that nobody has seen yet is:
- IS IT WINE O’CLOCK YET?
- WHINE, THEN WINE!
- It’s 2017, bitches– they’ve all been seen
When someone posts gushy love declarations about their spouse on a daily basis, it means:
- They are truly in love and want everyone to know
- They just can’t contain their feelings
- A divorce lawyer is about to get a job
The vacation photos you should always post are:
- Anything from a Hawaiian resort, especially other Hawaiian resort guests
- Family group shots on a scenic cliff where everyone is smiling ear to ear
- Your pedicured toes by a body of water
The vacation photos you shouldn’t ever post are:
- Anything from a waterpark, especially other waterpark guests
- Family group shots on a scenic cliff after someone just tried to push someone else off said cliff for bringing up a sore point from 1984
- “what’s this rash on my thigh, anyone know? it’s spreading quick”
When a friend writes a really personal story about something that’s tearing her up inside and posts it on Facebook, you should:
- Offer your support
- Type a bunch of heart emjois
- Let her know she used the word “affect” the wrong way
Facebook is the best way to:
- Know what your ex-co-worker’s cousin’s mechanic thinks about Obama’s foreign policy failures
- Reconnect with high school friends and delight in how they’re aging
- Occupy yourself while you’re supposed to be watching your kid’s baseball game
- All of the above
Results:
If you answered mostly 1’s, you are are a social media star! Good job, Zuckerberg!
If you answered mostly 2’s, you are doing just fine on the internet and probably in life, too.
If you answered mostly 3’s, you are completely inappropriate and rude, and you should immediately go see a therapist after you send me a friend request.
You just made my day:))