Ladies, a question: Do you ever wish you could attend summer camp? When you’re writing your child’s name on his underwear for his two weeks at Camp Fungal, do you sometimes wish you were writing your name? When you’re busy packing your daughter’s sleeping bag, do you fantasize about it being your sleeping bag? In the middle of your humdrum, middle-aged, out of shape, chubby thighed life, do you dream about living in a cabin? About making lifelong friends? About hiking through the wilderness, waving a cheery hello to squirrels and chipmunks? And most important, is the only thing missing in your life the opportunity to hang out in bear country while not showing any visible panty lines? Well, hold onto your fat pockets, girlfriend, because—
Introducing, CAMP SPANX!
What seems like a nightmare created by body-shaming lunatics who have no f-cking clue that grownass women really don’t enjoy being pandered to in this manner is actually a reality! Yes, now you can gather up your lady friends—lady friends who will also pay a pretty penny to have smooth lines and no disgusting lumps anywhere on their bodies—and head on out to the wilderness where you’ll glamp! Glamp in a tent that has no bottom IN your bottoms that have no tents! (#goodwriting) Isn’t that amazing?!
“Hey, Janice! How do you feel about marshmallows?”
“Well, I’d rather eat one than have my ASS look like one! Hahaha! Thanks, Camp Spanx!”
“Hahah—wait, are these damn things on our legs flame retardant? Sweet jesus why is my ankle smoking? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CONTAIN SILICONE?!? Debbie, get that f-cking blow-out out of your face and go find some pond water to throw on my reproductive bits!”
Ahhhh, shapewear in the wilderness. Just like God intended when he created women on the second day of his creating shit or whenever that whole thing happened.
Then, after you and your Camp Spanx besties cook stick food over an open flame, you can head into the deep woods for even more bonding in your bras! As every 80’s movie written and directed by men taught us, women totally love to hang out together and compare cleavage when we’re not having pillow fights in our lingerie! Giggle!
Here’s Tammy telling a joke about how she can’t breathe in her bra-lette because it’s squeezing her fat chunks into her ribcage and impairing all air capacity. Hilarious!
Spanx Bralette: $48
Stupid trendy neckerchief and stupid trendy hat: $20
Being eaten alive by Zika-carrying mosquitoes because you’re too idiotic to put on a shirt, then having to track down a creepy park ranger to radio CareFlight so you can be airlifted to the closest ER before you go into anaphylactic shock: Priceless
And let’s not forget the biggest event of Camp Spanx, Camp Talent Show night! Yes, strut your sassy girl stuff on a log? fence? barn plank? with your gal pals to the tune of “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.” Sure, these women are all probably saddled with debilitating student loans and mortgages, but will they still spend $68 on pants that make their legs look like Wisconsin bratwurst? You bet your sweet ass they will! Plus, that slimming double waist band will come in handy when you all fall off the log into a colony of angry fire ants and they try to march into your nether regions. Smart AND shapely!
So this summer, forget about relaxing and feeling comfortable in your own body. Forget about letting it all hang out while you’re exploring outside. Instead, pack your trunks for Camp Spanx where the motto is, “Nature. Only a Little Better.” The male population of the world will thank you.
Hello, mudda. Hello, faddah.
Here I am at Camp gasssssssp can’t breatheeeeeee