Dieting Is For The Dogs

I had lunch yesterday with a new friend, let’s call her Janice, and started telling her about Teddy’s new diet.

“He’s kind of depressed because his doctor said he has to switch to vegetable snacks, like frozen green beans and carrots,” I said. “No more meat snacks.”

“Oh, that’s no fun!” Janice gasped. “Who wants vegetables? Poor Teddy! That’s awful!”

“I know, it’s totally awful. Plus the doctor said he has to get 45 minutes of exercise a day.”

“Forty five minutes? Like, all cardio or some weights, too? Does he like yoga or Pilates?”

“What?”

“Did he say how much weight Teddy has to lose?” she asked. “Is it a lot?”

“No, just two pounds by August, five by the end of the year.”

“Oh, well, that seems doable,” Janice reassured me. “I know Rick can skip one meal and immediately go down a size!”

It was at this point that I realized my new friend Janice thought Teddy was my husband. Not my dog. A mistake she probably wouldn’t have made if my dog was named, “Bubba,” but who knows. I do live in Texas.

But yes, Teddy the Dog is now on a new diet regimen to lose his winter weight and he’s not very happy about it, as you can see. (Of course, he’s Bichon Frise and French poodle, so he has a flair for the dramatic, anyway. I think I once saw a single tear drip down his cheek when he saw a leaf fall into the pool. C’est triste.)

He’s doing okay, mostly, but yesterday, I was disappointed to find him in the backyard with a lizard in his mouth. “Teddy!” I yelled, “Spit it out and get some control of yourself! For the love of god, I didn’t even resort to eating lizards when I was on Weight Watchers for those miserable six weeks last fall! Wait–how does it taste? Probably only two points, right? Leathery?”

I do feel bad for Teddy, though, because he and I are both what the veterinarian described as “Extremely Food Motivated.” Seriously, if you want either of us to jump off the couch and come sprinting your way with our tongues hanging out, just rustle a bag of potato chips in the kitchen and we’ll be there in under two seconds.

I think I just figured out how to get in 45 minutes of exercise each day.