I’m in a long-standing group text with seven friends. We’ve texted each other every single day since May of 2016, and our conversation shows no sign of ending unless one of us suddenly loses her data plan and/or her life. (If you’ve ever tried to get out of your AT&T contract, you’ll know which option is easier.) Our text chats have run the gamut from serious, to tragic, to hilarious, to bored, and it feels good to know that these women are always just a few buttons on my iPhone away. And their GIF and Bitmoji games are strong. I’d like to see a middle school girl try to be as savvy with her Honey Boo Boo image replies.
This morning’s text discussion was about a few kid and work things, some general chatter, a few expletives about the news (ahem) and then my friend Lisa stopped the presses when she shared with us a pic of what she found while online shopping:
That’s right. This is actually considered to be fashion. I’ll give you two guesses who’s selling this monstrosity, but you’ll only need one because the answer is always “Anthropologie.” Puffy shirt that a pirate wore to a Midwestern disco? Anthropologie. Headband made from rolling papers found in an abandoned bus in Eugene, Oregon in 1968? Anthropologie. Skirt that looks like it’s the love child of a dirndl and an amorous goat? Anthropologie. Shapeless house dress covered in appliques of tropical fruit? Well, that one’s from Old Navy, actually. Not sure what they’re trying to prove this spring, but it’s not really working. What do pineapples have to do with the navy?
Anyway, here are the text group’s responses to the potholder loom creation pictured above:
Lisa: “This 1974 grandma lap blanket with sleeves is just $168”
Lauren: “I’ll take two!”
Liz: “I don’t own enough cats to pull this off”
Laurie: “I should learn how to market some domestic crap, is the takeaway here. Why am I not using my cross stitch skills for big bucks?”
Ann: “Brand it OMFGODSEYE and you can charge $250.”
Laurie: “It’s a true original, as you can only wear it once before you snag it to shreds. So it’s an experience piece.”
Laurie: “Also, it’s utilitarian because you can carry your snacks and crochet hook around in the openings.”
Nancy: “Sorry, I’m trying to improve the sound quality of my podcast from under my afghan right now”
Vikki: “I have an original afghan like that in shades of brown in my blanket chest. Should I try to sell it or wear it?”
Lisa: “Jam your head through one of the gaps. Instant poncho. $187.”
Wendi: “Anthropologie: Our Clothes Just Look Like They Smell Like Antiques!”
And then I of course had to point out the obvious inspiration for the $168 precious hipster lady top:
That’s right. Dan and Roseanne Conner had this on their couch for the entire run of their series. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that the show’s prop master is probably now working in Anthropologie’s design nerve center. But from the looks of it, that afghan probably made only a few tops, so get your order in soon!
As for me, well, I’m saving my money for this $398.00 item they just put up on the Anthropologie site:
I can’t wait to text about it.