Drill Instructor is petite blonde named Tiffaniee, not badass Louis Gossett, Jr.
Despite repeated requests, nobody calls me “Maggot”
“Drop and give me 20, shithead!” is instead “Um, could you guys, like, do some core work, like now?”
Never once forced to scrub a latrine/ladies room at Panera Bread with my toothbrush
Other recruits more concerned with getting in shape than building strong Bikini Army
“Full Metal Jacket” soundtrack voted out in favor of Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” as training music
Cadence is lame, “I don’t know, but I’ve been told. You gotta fluff your sheets before you fold”
Chanting “This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine” while holding yoga mat, not as awesome
Attempt to give other squad members hardcore nicknames like “Joker,” “Mississippi” and “Doggy Style” met with disapproval by “Cupcake,” “Pink Luuver” and “Jesus Girl”
Nobody else interested in playing War Games against the One-Piece Swimsuit Boot Camp
Only weapons issued are 5 pound free weights and elastic bands
Still have muffin-top
hey – my hips may still be chubby but they are VERY honest, I’ll have you know.