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Why I Am Disappointed in My Bikini Bootcamp

by Wendi // June 8, 2016

Drill Instructor is petite blonde named Tiffaniee, not badass Louis Gossett, Jr.

Despite repeated requests, nobody calls me “Maggot”

“Drop and give me 20, shithead!” is instead “Um, could you guys, like, do some core work, like now?”

Never once forced to scrub a latrine/ladies room at Panera Bread with my toothbrush

Other recruits more concerned with getting in shape than building strong Bikini Army

“Full Metal Jacket” soundtrack voted out in favor of Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” as training music

Cadence is lame, “I don’t know, but I’ve been told. You gotta fluff your sheets before you fold”

Chanting “This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine” while holding yoga mat, not as awesome

Attempt to give other squad members hardcore nicknames like “Joker,” “Mississippi” and “Doggy Style” met with disapproval by “Cupcake,” “Pink Luuver” and “Jesus Girl”

Nobody else interested in playing War Games against the One-Piece Swimsuit Boot Camp

Only weapons issued are 5 pound free weights and elastic bands

Still have muffin-top

 

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Comments

  1. Kate Montague says:
    June 8, 2016 at 11:45 am

    hey – my hips may still be chubby but they are VERY honest, I’ll have you know.

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