Good morning! Is this Mrs. Aarons?
That depends. If you’re calling because I won a new car, then “yes,” this is Mrs. Aarons. If you’re calling because you need volunteers for the PTO bake sale, then “no” this definitely isn’t Mrs. Aarons.
I’m calling from your gym.
Then this is Ikea, her Swedish nanny. Mrs. Aarons no home right now. She go bye-bye.
Mrs. Aarons, I wanted to talk to you today because we’ve noticed you haven’t come in to work out lately.
You’ve noticed that? Really?
Yes, ma’am. And we miss you.
That’s… weird. But I’m sure it won’t be long before you replace me with another middle-aged woman who runs a 17-minute mile and loudly sobs on the leg press machine. It’s the suburbs, man; we premenopausal chunks are a dime a dozen.
Our computer shows me that you have been here for at least two months.
Two months? Are you sure?
Uh-huh. Tell me—is there anything that’s preventing you from working out?
You mean besides this iron lung machine I’m inside right now? No, not really.
Listen, Mrs. Aarons, I know that it can sometimes be hard to get to the gym. But when you signed up with us, you made a commitment to your health.
Well, it was really more of a commitment to my ass. I promised it I wouldn’t make it wear a Land’s End skirtini anymore. Apparently it’s been feeling a little stifled under the circus tent of Lycra these past 20 years.
Okay, but if you’ll recall, part of our agreement is that if you don’t stay committed, we promise to start giving you encouraging phone calls.
What? I don’t remember that. That’s insane. Are you really from “the gym” or are you from “the CIA”? Is this because I clicked on that “naked pixx of Larry King” link? That was an accident.
I have it right here on your gym contract. Under “Please give me encouraging phone calls,” you checked “yes.”
I don’t believe that to be true. I must have been coerced. WITNESS TAMPERING WITNESS TAMPERING.
(silence)
Well, can you just change it to “no” for me? So you won’t have to call me anymore?
I sure can. Only—I can’t do it over the phone.
So that means…
Yes, I’ll see you here tomorrow, Mrs. Aarons. We open at 5 a.m.
Of course you do.
Now before I go, is there anything else I can help you with?
Yeah. Next time remind me not to join a gym that’s smarter than I am.
I am so, so sorry. And I’m holding you in the light. Here, have another brownie.
how is this even REAL?!?!?!
I know! And it’s a $15 a month gym, too. Not even a fancy one.
If they really want to encourage people, they should try offering lasagne.
This will teach you to read before you sign anything ever again.
Caller ID. It’s all about the caller ID.
I told my gym ‘A dustbunny the size of a pekineses dog had me trapped in the spare bedroom’ and I was afraid to move because it may be one of the dustbunnies from a Stephen King book.
He hasn’t phoned me back…
Umm… why are you actually answering your phone?