Wendi Aarons is not a serious candidate.
Wendi Aarons was born in North Dakota, which might not even be in the United States.
Wendi Aarons claims her dog ate her birth certificate.
Wendi Aarons’s Aarons’ Aarones’? cats say she’s unstable.
Wendi Aarons is not exactly sure how to write the possessive of her own last name, but will send any grammar nerds who call her on it to Gitmo.
Wendi Aarons would bomb one country per month during her “lady lower body time.”
Wendi Aarons has a history of fiscal irresponsibility, mostly at outlet malls and the discontinued Rice-A-Roni shelf at the 99 Cent store.
Wendi Aarons tells everyone she’s a Marxist because she thinks that means pro-mullet.
Wendi Aarons tells everyone she’s a Socialist because she thinks that means she’s rich and goes to cotillions.
Wendi Aarons tells everyone she’s a Libertarian because she thinks that means she loves the Dewey Decimal system and shushing people.
Wendi Aarons’ only foreign policy experience is the one time she made out with a Canadian guy in a Toyota after eating Taco Bell.
Wendi Aarons will insist her secret service nickname be “Fanilow.”
Wendi Aarons will appoint Barry Manilow as the United States Secretary of Mandy.
Wendi Aarons wants to abolish the Dept. of Education so her kids don’t have to do Science Fair projects.
Wendi Aarons plans to get bikini waxes in the Oval Office.
Wendi Aarons will spill every single national security secret while getting a bikini wax in the Oval Office.
Wendi Aarons once ran for President of her sorority and came in third behind a half-eaten burrito and a girl named “Slutwad Susie.”
Wendi Aarons supports a woman’s right to choose, except the women at her nail salon, who OMFG, cannot choose a nail polish to save their stupid lives and stand in front of the color wall for two damn hours making the “Hmmm” noise while Wendi has to cool her jets with an old copy of In Touch magazine that Wendi suspects is actually written by highly evolved squirrels who are clearly obsessed with The Big Kardashian and whatever a “Tyga” is.
Wendi Aarons is easily irritated when she needs a pedicure.
Wendi Aarons spent 15 years of her life thinking the “ball room” at IKEA is where they hold formal Swedish dances for the workers.
Wendi Aarons is funding her campaign with Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons and Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
Wendi Aarons can’t say the name “Putin” without giggling.
Wendi Aarons didn’t even bother to put on a bra for the last debate.
Wendi Aarons will abolish the death penalty except for people who use the word “supposebly.”
Wendi Aarons will sell Alaska to the highest bidder to get rid of Sarah Palin once and for all.
Wendi Aarons has a history of lying. Mostly about liking her friends’ new haircuts, husbands and original one-act plays.
Wendi Aarons is more interested in making her ass great again than making America great again.
Wendi Aarons plans to balance the federal budget using the Weight Watchers point system.
Wendi Aarons regularly gets wine and water confused.
Wendi Aarons once got a ticket for honking at a motorcycle cop, then saying, “What’s your problem, Ponch?”
Wendi Aarons is so not good for our country.
Wendi Aarons is THE WORST.
Do not vote for Wendi Aarons. She means it.
–Paid for by the Committee to Never Elect Wendi Aarons