1. It insists upon watching Judge Judy every afternoon at 4 p.m.
2. It writes angry letters to the government, but forgets to attach a stamp.
3. It yells, “Is this wacka wacka wacka Pit Bull noise what they’re calling music now? BARF” at the car radio.
4. It can’t remember why it walked into the room, but tries to pretend it remembers why it walked into the room so nobody whispers about it and makes it retake that bullshit driver’s test again.
5. It says things like, “Culottes are back? I hated those fat moron pants the first time around.”
6. It doesn’t understand a single thing on the cover of US Weekly magazine, and wonders if “Kimye” is something it ate last night at it’s early bird dinner.
7. It leaves pamphlets about Botox around the house, but swears it doesn’t know how they got there and no, it’s not trying to tell you something, jeez louise, so defensive, but—wouldn’t it be nice to not have long haul truck eye bags for once?
8. It sits in the driveway listening to a fascinating NPR story about the craft of Irish doghouses.
9. It starts wearing a plaid news boy cap and those sunglasses that go over its regular glasses, which are not to be confused with it’s other sunglasses that are on the top of it’s head, or it’s other other glasses that hang around it’s neck for reading because jesus, the type on menus is so damn small these days and you know what? It’s totally going to write a letter about that.
10. It pretends it can’t hear what you just said about it, but surprise! It’s hearing is excellent and maybe you’re the wanker who had too many white wine spritzers after mall walking this morning. Jerk.