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Single White Puppy Seeks …Everyone

by Wendi // September 24, 2014

My puppy needs some diversity in his life. At least that’s what the dog trainer told us when we saw her last week. “Try to introduce him to people of all ethnicities as soon as possible,” she said. “It’ll make him less fearful when he gets older.”

“Well, if you say so,” I mumbled. “But I grew up in North Dakota, and the only diversity I had in my life was the freaks who had dark blonde hair instead of light blonde hair. And I turned out okay.”

“No, you didn’t,” my husband chimed in. “You take pepper spray to Chuck E. Cheese.”

“Yes, but not because I’m fearful of people who are different than me. I’m fearful of people who poop in the ball pit. DO NOT MOCK THE PERSON WHO SAVES OUR FAMILY FROM E COLI, BUCKO.”

Then we shut up because the dog trainer looked ready to bring out shock collars. “You should also expose the puppy to people in various professions,” she continued. “And maybe dress up in winter hats, goggles and sports equipment so he’s not scared of that stuff. It’ll be fun!”

Yeah. You know what’s more fun? Cats. Cats don’t need you to blast “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” while you try on wacky costumes like you’re trapped in some bad 80’s movie montage. They’ll ignore the shit out of you no matter what you’re wearing.

But because I’m a Responsible Dog Owner, I decided to do what’s best for Teddy. I knew that expanding our everyday social circle to include more types of people would take a lot of effort and time on my part, but I was up for the task. I clipped on his leash, put on my sneakers, loaded up my pockets with dog treats, and then, once I was prepared, I sat on the couch and updated my Facebook status.

Screen Shot 2014-09-24 at 11.15.28 AM

As it turns out, one of my Facebook friends actually does know a Village Person, The Cowboy, and tagged him for me. I’m sure The Cowboy is now busy rounding up the other guys from the YMCA (oh, shut up, like I’m proud of that joke?) and the Macho Men will show up at our house soon. But until then, Teddy and I are hitting the pavement every day in an effort to expand our social circle.

I confess that we haven’t really left the neighborhood much, but that’s just because of Teddy’s obsession with white panel vans. Seriously, if the Austin Police Department ever puts out an APB on a white panel van, I’ll find it in a second because Teddy runs over to every single one he sees like it’s a cute girl dog in heat. White panel van! White panel van! Oh my God, Lady, it’s a White. Panel. Van. At this point, we could probably star in our very own crime-fighting reality show: Teddy Vs. America’s Abduction Vans. Call me and we’ll discuss, Bravo. I’ll even teach him drug sniffing.

Anyway, we have now met every lawn guy, handyman, painter and undercover government surveillance worker in the area. They are all very friendly and say, “Hi, Puppy!” while Teddy rolls on his back and shows off his private parts like an old sorority sister of mine used to do. (Pelvic Pam. She’s now a CPA in Oregon.) It’s very sweet.

We also headed to the outdoor mall where we met a few nice women I chased down after overhearing their heavy French/Gabor Sister accents. “Za pup iz so adorablah!” they squealed while he licked their expensive shoes. “Adorablah!”

“Thank you!” I smiled. “Now, do you mind saying that again after you put on these goggles?”

Alas, they declined and headed over to bend the mall security guy’s ear about something. But that was okay because Teddy and I then met a guy with dreadlocks after I pretended to have a question about eco-friendly bongs. Next, we moved on to an elderly woman who asked if he was named after a Roosevelt or a lingerie, and then to a pierced 20-something who ironically petted him while pretending she wasn’t ironically petting him. Finally, after a gross toddler got his fat hands stuck on Teddy’s ears, we headed home. All in all, it was a successful day of being social. And, after all of this interaction, I really don’t think Teddy will be fearful of anyone when he gets older.

Even if they’re one of those freaks with dark blonde hair.

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Comments

  1. Chelsea says:
    September 24, 2014 at 10:37 am

    You can bring him over here to expose him to Apartment People

  2. Rikki says:
    September 24, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Teddy is trying to tell you that he wants to meet the (a) spies (b) surveillance team (c) aliens who are driving the white vans. His diversification experience will not be complete, otherwise. And neither will yours.
    Please give him a tummy rub for me!

  3. Thekitchwitch says:
    September 24, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Hey, we are almost twins! I grew up in North Dakota and I have a Bichon who loves anyone in a child molester van, too!

  4. Amelia Sauter says:
    September 24, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    I’m a lesbian if you need one of those and haven’t heard from Ellen yet.

  5. Kristin Shaw says:
    September 24, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    “My name is Teddy, and I like long walks… anywhere… and Bon Jovi. And meaty snacks.”

  6. Liz says:
    September 24, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    But was it the original Cowboy from the Village People? I once found myself (it happens) at a Village People concert and was told that only the Indian Chief was original. Accept no substitutes!

  7. Ann says:
    September 24, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    “Thank you!” I smiled. “Now, do you mind saying that again after you put on these goggles?”

    omg you make me laugh

  8. dusty earth mother says:
    September 24, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    I’m grooving on this idea of “ironic petting”.

  9. Maureen P says:
    September 24, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    Thanks for making me laugh, as usual. After seeing the FB picture of the “door bell” thing you made all I have in my head is………
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8zuqsqdCAQ

    Nightmare

  10. Cyndy says:
    September 26, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Oh my goodness. I have a Teddy who looks just like your Teddy and he rolls over on his back if you even glance in his direction. Funniest thing ever. My Teddy hates men, maybe I should have socialized him more. You obviously have a good trainer and you are an excellent pet owner.

  11. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says:
    October 1, 2014 at 6:47 am

    Don’t hesitate to call if he is ready to be introduced to non-Americans. It is just a short flight from Brussels to the States…

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