I was looking over the official parents’ handbook to my children’s summer camp the other day, making quadruple sure that I knew the exact amount of underwear to send with them for their two weeks away because I didn’t want them to take nine pair of undies and end up in the brig because they really needed ten pairs. (Do camps have brigs? Maybe I’m thinking of my sorority house’s basement.) But then I came to the three pages that detailed how you could send your campers care packages while they’re away and I was immediately intrigued.
“A care package seems nice!” I chirped. “And look! The camp even has pre-made ones you can order! I should totally do that!”
Then I noticed that the pre-made care packages cost $50 each and chirped, “For the love of god, there’s no damn way I’m doing that!” I mean, do you know how many pedicures I can get for $100? At least six if I go to the nail salon where they use a bowl of warm Diet Sprite as a foot whirlpool. Seven, at the one where they trim your toenails with their teeth. (Nail Chomperz on Highway 71—tell Halitosis Jimmy I sent you.)
But besides my cheapness, the other reason I didn’t think the pre-made care packages were a good idea is because they probably contain stupid things, like fruit. And who wants f-ing fruit at camp? How is an orange useful to a tween boy? Sure, he’d avoid scurvy, but that’s not even a real threat these days unless you’re on a pirate ship. And even pirates have comprehensive medical plans now thanks to the whole “Captain Phillips” hoopla. Tom Hanks is no fool. He knows he’s got to keep those weirdo mercenaries healthy in case there’s a sequel in the works.
So, to recap: Ten pairs of undies. I’m cheap. Oranges are lame. I am the Captain of the HMO now.
Which brings me to my grand plan to put together my own care packages to send to the boys. I admit that I was a bit stymied on what to fill them with for a couple of reasons. First, what do they even need? Nothing. They’re busy doing camp things with sticks and bugs. And second, I need to save my money for things I want to do while they’re away. And trust me, inflatable Manilows are more pricey than you’d think. Not to mention the two air compressors needed to pump Barry up so he has something resembling muscles.
So, to help me figure out what to put into their care packages, I recently watched every episode of Orange Is the New Black, some Oz and a few old war movies on the Military Channel. What can I say, I like to educate myself and stay indoors for months at a time. But the good news is that I now feel confident with what I’m going to send my sweet boys while they’re away. So here it is, the list of items going in their camp care packages:
Loosie cigarettes for trading
American Girl dolls made out of cocaine (to generate income)
Combination locks and tube socks for “slocking” troublemakers
A picture of me selling their videogames at a yard sale (for LOLs)
A poster of Betty Grable
Total cost? Forty dollars. Or more. I really don’t know how much cocaine goes for these days because they don’t sell it at Target Greatland any longer. Why is that, Target? It used to be so easy to pick up Merona Marching Powder. But it doesn’t matter because the respect my kids will get from the other campers after they see their care packages will be priceless. Just like my legal bills after I’m arrested.