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Welcome to Summer, Post-Baby Belly Pooch!

by Wendi // May 15, 2014

Like most women, I’m not a big fan of shopping for swimsuits. I’d much rather spend my day eating cream cheese and looking at pictures of rashes on Instagram. Of course, this is why my current suit is so old, it once voted for JFK. Plus, the long wool skirt gets kind of stinky in the sun.

But fortunately, there are expert swimsuit buying guides to help apprehensive women like me shop for a new suit. You really can’t avoid these guides because they come out every year in almost every women’s magazine. I’ve even written a couple of these guides myself, hoping to catch the attention of the people who make Miraclesuits so I can tell them to change their name. Obviously if their suits actually performed miracles, my pool water would now be a nice, buttery chardonnay. I really hate false advertising.

I also hate these swimsuit guides. They’re supposed to “help” women find a suit that makes them feel like The Princess of the Waterpark, but what they actually do is make women’s self-esteem crash and burn before they’ve even set foot in the badly-lit dressing room at Macy’s. (Also, why don’t those dressing rooms keep tissues and a bottle of Jack on hand during the summer months? Seems like a no-brainer to me, department store fools.)

Now, before these guides came into being, women used to be content knowing they needed to lose a few pounds here or there. Knowing their one or two “problem areas.” But then these experts popped up and told us, “Baby, it’s worse than you think. Way, way worse. You have no idea, but we do because we are Fashion Experts who know how to spell ‘Givenchy’.” Then they told us to choose our swimwear based on the fruit we most resembled.

Are you an apple? Wear this suit.

Are you a pear? Wear this suit.

Are you a dented can of fruit cocktail? Stay indoors, asshole. You make me sick.

Suddenly women were no longer human-shaped. No, we were something that escaped from the produce section. Not the organic produce section, either. More like the produce section that’s covered in DDT and Agent Orange. So, being fucking loser fruit, we were advised to only wear one-piece suits with bright colors on the top that drew the eye away from our massive fruit guts.

Only the Celery were allowed to wear bikinis.

But you know what? We got used to it. We even started to label our friends this way. “Hey, Pear. Thanks for joining us at the pool! Is Watermelon bringing snacks or is it Green Apple’s turn? Uh-oh. Kumquat might be drowning, gotta go.” And it was fine. It was good. Until Redbook magazine unexpectedly flipped the switch.

In their June 2014 issue, Redbook has a swimsuit buying guide called “Meet the SLIM Suits” and three pages of suggested suits by body type. But guess what? This time they weren’t happy to just categorize womankind by Fruit Type. Oh, no. That’s so passe! Yawn! Instead they want women to really, really know their figure flaws. And if we don’t know them, all we need to do is stand in front of a full-length mirror with this List of Shame and we’ll soon find out how disgusting we really are:

Top-heavy + tummy
Petite + big bust
Wide hips + flat butt
Really tall + long torso
Small bust + belly pooch
Flat chest + no hips
Thick waist + full rear
Wide hips + love handles
Short torso + tummy
Classic pear shape
Plus-size apple shape
Curvy hourglass
Post-baby belly pooch
Chesty + thick waist
Flat butt + no hips
Droopy bust + short legs

It’s like the Value Menu of Sexiness. And it’s so hard to choose which one you are! I mean, what if you fit into more than one category? Can you mix and match? Pick and choose? If you’re a Curvy Hourglass with Wide Hips + Flat Butt, do you wear two suits? Three? Can it be a la carte? And how long do you have to stand in front of the mirror examining your flaws and weeping before you can hit the mall? What if your body is so repulsive that it takes too long and you completely miss summer? What then, Redbook? Will you at least send us XXXL t-shirts to wear during our intimate moments? It’s the least you can do, I think.

Photo-2

Of course, maybe I’m overreacting a bit because there are never swimsuit guides like this for men. None. You know how a man chooses a swimsuit? “Small, Medium, Large: Pick.”  (Unless, of course, they’re European. But let’s not get into those Speedo freaks right now because those men are the complete opposite of “low self-esteem.”)

So maybe Redbook should consider spreading the self-hate wealth. Maybe they should raise the stakes and make men loath their bodies, too. After all, it’s 2014. We can take pictures with our phones, for god’s sake. We can shame everybody all day long with just the push of a button. It’s the new age, people, and it’s time for real equality. And it can start with swimsuits.

Men, which body type are you—choose wisely because it’s super important for your Summer Success:

Beer belly + chicken legs
Moobs + flat butt
Plus size bowling ball
Broad shoulders + love handles
Barrel chest + Michelob pooch
Frosty the Snowman Inflatable
Non-existent ass + vagina knees
Thick thighs + sunken chest
Flabby arms + hairy pelvis
Monkey-like torso + thick calves
Droopy pecs + lady thighs
Back fat + stooped shoulders
Prepubescent Richard Simmons

Once everyone, male and female, feels like shit on the beach, we’ll know we’ve advanced as a society. And that’s a good thing for everyone.

Especially us Sour Apples + Droopy busts + flat asses.

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Comments

  1. Ellen says:
    May 15, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Can I still call it a post-baby belly pooch if the baby is going to be nine this summer or do I have to just own up to the regular belly pooch?

    Signed,
    Droopy bust+petite+love handles+belly pooch (type TBD)

  2. tracy@sellabitmum says:
    May 15, 2014 at 11:52 am

    Lady thighs. I die. Thank you for the giggle. And peeing that happened because of the giggle.

  3. Kate says:
    May 15, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    I’m no longer allowed to read Wendi Aarons at work since I started laughing so hard I snorted. Real loud snorting.

  4. Jenni Chiu @ MommyNaniBooboo says:
    May 15, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Hee heeeeeee.
    I’m right there with you as a sour apple + droopy bust.

  5. Liz says:
    May 15, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Vagina knees! I love it. But I didn’t see pancake boobs and muffin top—which I think of as a more in-your-face belly pooch.

  6. Deb Rox says:
    May 15, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Can Redbook also do something about how older men in shorts sitting in lawnchairs often show their hairy kiwis to the pool? That would be great.

  7. Stephanie says:
    May 15, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    I’ll take the Number 3 with a twice-baked potato, please. And I laughed a ‘vagina knees’ until my daughter asked me what I was laughing at, and then I stopped, so I didn’t have to answer her.

  8. Christian Torres says:
    May 15, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Great post! Just when I think I have heard it all I come across “vagina knees.” Don’t make me google that. 🙁

  9. Krabies says:
    May 15, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    I am crying that is so funny. I wear the exact suit I am not suppose too!
    Skirt ( covers the thighs)
    tankini top( makes it easier for the bathroom)
    Of course this is only worn at night in the dark!!

  10. Liz @ ewmcguire says:
    May 15, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    All this time I never considered wearing two or three suits at once. You’re brilliant!

    Also, I will never look at a man’s knees the same again. My eyes! My eyes!

  11. thekitchwitch says:
    May 15, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    Not sure I needed vagina knees in my lexicon. Who knew? My question: where is the swimsuit that addresses my Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man ass?

  12. ASPelvis Hair says:
    May 15, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Low selfie steam. Pick your angle… #vaginaknees

  13. Lance says:
    May 15, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    thanks for allowing me intellectually brainstorm participation…

    Since I accidently posted a picture of myself without a shirt today, I think my self-esteem is plenty low enough to hit a beach, let’s GO!

    hilarious as usual

  14. Nancy Davis Kho says:
    May 15, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    You are making my decision to drop the family membership to the pool club last January, without telling anyone in the family, even MORE awesome. Of course, the two celery sticks in the family will complain. But since they aren’t old enough to drive yet, there’s not much they can do about it.

  15. qwertygirl says:
    May 16, 2014 at 9:47 am

    I used to read those things and think, “But I have a flat ass, love handles, AND no waist, so what am I supposed to do NOW?” since they only offer fixes for one thing at a time. It’s all clear now–multiple bathing suits. I was just about to give up and go swimming in my sweatpants. Actually, that may still be my best choice. :/

  16. julie gardner says:
    May 16, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Oh. My. HA!

    I was able to keep eating my oatmeal until I got to Hairy Pelvis. Now I can’t stop picturing the Quaker guy getting waxed.

    Appetite suppression comes in all shapes and sizes. Apparently.

    p.s. My almost 15-year-old daughter is “Petite + Big Bust” and believe me, it’s not so bad for her. Except for the part where her father is always researching nunneries and mumbling over a fat glass of buttery chardonnay.

  17. dusty earth mother says:
    May 16, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    All I can say is that made me laugh very hard. And cry even harder.

  18. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says:
    May 19, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Vagina knees….I die laughing!

  19. Bee says:
    May 19, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    Thank you thank you thank you!

  20. my life in tune says:
    May 20, 2014 at 12:18 am

    I realize I’m late to this party, but thanks for pointing out the ridiculous double standard re: society’s expectations of men’s vs. women’s bodies. I will pay good money for any magazine that publishes a suggestion list for men that even comes close to rivaling yours in awesomeness.

  21. Marinka says:
    May 20, 2014 at 5:42 am

    This is why my bathing burka is such a big hit.

  22. Jenny, Bloggess says:
    May 21, 2014 at 7:16 am

    Now I’m suddenly concerned that I have vagina knees.

    YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE, WENDI.

    PS. When does it become acceptable to swim in men’s board shorts and a swim shirt? Can we make this a new thing? Because I’m ready for it.

  23. Jennifer Snarkypants says:
    May 21, 2014 at 8:06 am

    I think you covered almost all of my ex-boyfriends in there. All except maybe freckle covered ginger, but I’m not sure there’s a flattering suit for that.

  24. Alan C says:
    May 23, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    I read this to my wife just now and didn’t think I was going to make it through your list of body types for men, I was laughing so hard.

  25. Barfbag says:
    May 28, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Snorted. Chortled. Tittered. Bellowed at vagina knees! I rarely share blog posts but I have sent this to everyone I know. You’re brilliant; humour is the only way to tackle the crazy insane pressure on our bodies to be perfectly ripe, firm, and with no worm holes.
    Half celery half kumquat gal. x

  26. auntjone says:
    June 4, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    I am CRYING at the men’s descriptions. I so needed this laugh. Thank you.

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