I Want This To Go Viral

I want this post to go viral. But I don’t want to spend too much time on it because I have a lot of other things to do. I’m an important person. Also, I really don’t like writing that much and I really don’t have anything important to say. But still.

I want this post to go viral.

Oh, I know! How about if I tell you some crazy story about how I took my son to the Cracker Barrel in Bath Tub, Texas and then and THEN I couldn’t believe my EYES when a big, scary redneck guy came over and put a pink cape on my son and called him, “Commander Super Gay.” HE PUT A PINK CAPE ON MY CHILD AND CALLED HIM “COMMANDER SUPER GAY!” DID YOU ALL GET THAT??? OR DO I NEED TO USE BIGGER LETTERS??!?! IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?? I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE FONT SIZER CONTROL ON MY COMPUTER!!!! (Seriously, is it like, Control-Shift-Z or something? Someone text me.) (Hey, I just figured out how to make things RED!)

WOOT!! BACK TO THE DRAMAZ!! Of course there’s no proof of this gay cape incident actually happening, but the great thing about the Internet is that it doesn’t matter! HOLLA! It still could have possibly happened to someone at some point in time in the history of the world and who cares if it’s true because it brings up important social issues that must be debated!!! OVER AND OVER AND OVER. ::head desk:: Squee!

After lots and lots of people share my post hundreds of times (this is what we social media professionals call “going viral”) other people will then leave hundreds and thousands of comments on this outrageous post—basically just promoting their own agendas and belief systems—that say things like, “Gay is good! Gay is bad! Rednecks are good! Rednecks are bad! OMG, how can you take your children to the Cracker Barrel! The Cracker Barrel has GMOs in their crackers!!! THE CRACKERS ARE GAY AND DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY. OBAMA LOVES GAY PINK CRACKERS!!”

And then some other people will get all butch and write comments like, “If that had been MY kid, I would have punched that man in the JUNK! Or the THROAT! Or the THROAT JUNK!! NOBODY TOUCHES MY CHILD!!! MESS WITH MY CHILD AND I’LL ATTACK YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED BECAUSE I AM A MAMA WARRIOR RWOARRRRR!!!” But they’ll say this from the safety of their laptop, maybe while sitting on a couch that reclines at the push of a button. Because typing tough words is exhausting and also, dehydrating.

No, you know what? Scratch the gay cape idea. That’s a little too much work. Plus: Cracker Barrel lawsuit (ka-ching!) Oh, I know! Maybe I’ll write a viral post about how I hate my kids instead. How motherhood has freakin’ ruined my life and how the kids are complete douche canoes and then I’ll throw in some other swear words and poop pictures to make me seem edgy and badass even though I have a c-section scar and a fairly decent 401K. HELLO WORLD, MY KIDS FREAKIN’ SUCK!!!!

Great idea, right?!? People eat that shit UP! And then they’ll all totally sprain their wrists by clicking the Facebook Like button over and over and over!! I’ll be more popular than those casserole ladies with the mom pants!!! I HATE MY KIDS!!  I HATE MY KIDS!!! MY KIDS ARE GINORMOUS ASSHOLES!!! (But of course I’ll end the post by saying that I’m just blowin’ off steam because I love my kids and couldn’t imagine my life without them, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc., the little rascals are my LIFE and Hand to God, I was just “being my authentic self and keepin’ it realsies,” yo.) (Update: I just figured out how to make things BLUE!)

No, you know what? Scratch the mom rant idea. My kids would probably read it some day and then I’d have to explain “parody” and “satire” to them and that won’t be easy because I really don’t understand those things myself all that much. But still.

I want this post to go viral.

Hmmmm….what to do, what to do, what to I KNOW! I’ll put a picture of a COUGAR on this post and then people will be all, “WTF IS DIS SHIT?  I gots to share this picture of this weird wine-drunk cougar attacking the Biebs!” Boom! Viral post. And I didn’t even have to be funny or witty or thought-provoking or truthful. And that my friends, is what we call “unexpected internet success.”

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