I want this post to go viral. But I don’t want to spend too much time on it because I have a lot of other things to do. I’m an important person. Also, I really don’t like writing that much and I really don’t have anything important to say. But still.
I want this post to go viral.
Oh, I know! How about if I tell you some crazy story about how I took my son to the Cracker Barrel in Bath Tub, Texas and then and THEN I couldn’t believe my EYES when a big, scary redneck guy came over and put a pink cape on my son and called him, “Commander Super Gay.” HE PUT A PINK CAPE ON MY CHILD AND CALLED HIM “COMMANDER SUPER GAY!” DID YOU ALL GET THAT??? OR DO I NEED TO USE BIGGER LETTERS??!?! IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?? I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE FONT SIZER CONTROL ON MY COMPUTER!!!! (Seriously, is it like, Control-Shift-Z or something? Someone text me.) (Hey, I just figured out how to make things RED!)
WOOT!! BACK TO THE DRAMAZ!! Of course there’s no proof of this gay cape incident actually happening, but the great thing about the Internet is that it doesn’t matter! HOLLA! It still could have possibly happened to someone at some point in time in the history of the world and who cares if it’s true because it brings up important social issues that must be debated!!! OVER AND OVER AND OVER. ::head desk:: Squee!
After lots and lots of people share my post hundreds of times (this is what we social media professionals call “going viral”) other people will then leave hundreds and thousands of comments on this outrageous post—basically just promoting their own agendas and belief systems—that say things like, “Gay is good! Gay is bad! Rednecks are good! Rednecks are bad! OMG, how can you take your children to the Cracker Barrel! The Cracker Barrel has GMOs in their crackers!!! THE CRACKERS ARE GAY AND DESTROYING OUR COUNTRY. OBAMA LOVES GAY PINK CRACKERS!!”
And then some other people will get all butch and write comments like, “If that had been MY kid, I would have punched that man in the JUNK! Or the THROAT! Or the THROAT JUNK!! NOBODY TOUCHES MY CHILD!!! MESS WITH MY CHILD AND I’LL ATTACK YOU NO QUESTIONS ASKED BECAUSE I AM A MAMA WARRIOR RWOARRRRR!!!” But they’ll say this from the safety of their laptop, maybe while sitting on a couch that reclines at the push of a button. Because typing tough words is exhausting and also, dehydrating.
No, you know what? Scratch the gay cape idea. That’s a little too much work. Plus: Cracker Barrel lawsuit (ka-ching!) Oh, I know! Maybe I’ll write a viral post about how I hate my kids instead. How motherhood has freakin’ ruined my life and how the kids are complete douche canoes and then I’ll throw in some other swear words and poop pictures to make me seem edgy and badass even though I have a c-section scar and a fairly decent 401K. HELLO WORLD, MY KIDS FREAKIN’ SUCK!!!!
Great idea, right?!? People eat that shit UP! And then they’ll all totally sprain their wrists by clicking the Facebook Like button over and over and over!! I’ll be more popular than those casserole ladies with the mom pants!!! I HATE MY KIDS!! I HATE MY KIDS!!! MY KIDS ARE GINORMOUS ASSHOLES!!! (But of course I’ll end the post by saying that I’m just blowin’ off steam because I love my kids and couldn’t imagine my life without them, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc., the little rascals are my LIFE and Hand to God, I was just “being my authentic self and keepin’ it realsies,” yo.) (Update: I just figured out how to make things BLUE!)
No, you know what? Scratch the mom rant idea. My kids would probably read it some day and then I’d have to explain “parody” and “satire” to them and that won’t be easy because I really don’t understand those things myself all that much. But still.
I want this post to go viral.
Hmmmm….what to do, what to do, what to I KNOW! I’ll put a picture of a COUGAR on this post and then people will be all, “WTF IS DIS SHIT? I gots to share this picture of this weird wine-drunk cougar attacking the Biebs!” Boom! Viral post. And I didn’t even have to be funny or witty or thought-provoking or truthful. And that my friends, is what we call “unexpected internet success.”
Please Share and Like and RT. THANK YOU!!!!
Yes, yes, this is all well and good, but Ben Affleck as Batman? WTF is THAT all about?
Yes, yes, this is all well and good, but Ben Affleck as Batman? WTF is THAT all about? Also, Miley Cyrus.
(Double post? No. I decided to offer readers the Theatrical and Director’s Cut of my comment.)
I am outraged and also upset!!!!
What you need is a chicken pox lollipop.
I love you Wendi Aarons. This might be moving from a girl crush to stalking territory.
Thought you should be the first to know.
I HATE MILEY CYRUS!
You wrote “WOOT.” And “DRAMAZ.”
It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.
I love this. But I also love perhaps equally as much comments 1-3. Off to RT, Pin, Stumble and Google+!
Throw in some nekkid breastfeeding of your 7 year old and wish granted.
(so funny, wendi, I knew it would be)
Yes. And it just might. Viral is the way to go. Like a virus.
Um, it’s “rednecks IS good.”
this reminds me of that time a country killed a bunch of its citizens with sarin gas and no one gave a shit! can you believe that?
The Biebs is taller than you? WTF!
Boom. That’s how it’s done.
Except you forgot the #sp hashtag.
True story: the most popular post I ever had was the one where I just said that I couldn’t post that day but here is a picture of my bangs I cut crooked.
More traffic than anything else I’ve ever written.
I died a little.
(Wendi immediately grabs scissors and camera.)
You’re ODing on the allergy meds again – aren’t you?
But can Miley Cyrus twerk to this post with weird giant Teddy Bears and Alan Thicke’s son dressed like Beetlejuice?
then it would be viral
Now I’m hungry for blueberry pancakes. Gay ones with GMOs.
I usually try to avoid viral things (or is it bacterial?) but this was really really funny and Stephanie shared it.
My Dad’s girlfriend sent me her first “fwd” with one of these posts. How I wish I’d had this to send her in return.
Wendi honey – how many cups of coffee have you had today?
Man, I hope HuffPost picks this up.
If only you could twerk your posts, it would lead on CNN.com.
Also: I’d like a photo credit please. It was my idea to catch you in the probably illegal act of snuggling up to the JBiebs cutout.
Word. But might I add one suggestion? The title should read: Miley Cyrus, Ben Afflect, I hate my kids, viral post, Obama.
You know, for SEO.
Brilliant. Simply brilliant.
Just saw the link to this post on GOMI. You may be my favorite blogger ever. Nice job incapsulating the insanity of the last month or two in the mom blog world.
I think you have covered all of the major yawntroveries. To throw in some made up statistics, our cats have a better chance of going viral. Hey, I’m a mom; crushing dreams is just another perk of my lifestyle choice.
I will on my honor pinkie swear do my best to help you in this noble endeavour. And then I will personally respond to every single comment to create engaging dialogue.
(PS In other news, just got my copy of Lipstick today – yay!)
I cannot BELIEVE you didn’t talk about tongues and sexuality of 20 year olds and men in awful black and white striped suits.
What’s with “squee” anyway?
Where’s the Dear Miley letter? Am I in the wrong place?
I am willing to be a troll and make relevent comments like “we know that you have never been a REEL blond, you Norwegian” so all your fans will comment on how funny, smart and pretty you are. [sidebar: You are funny, smart and pretty. Thanks for bringing some much needed humor to my day!]
oh man, I had to google RT to figure out it meant retweet. no wonder my teenager is embarassed by me. Awesome post.
Are you wearing a medal?
It’s very easy to make font bigger on Blogger. Your post would have gone viral if it included a Blogger vs WordPress subsection (or “an arc” as they say in the biz).
My favorite thing about this all-too-hilarious post? The SQUEE!right after the head desk, hahahahaha!!!
You win. You win everything. Squuee-ing for you. Haha.
I love the viral idea. I am hitching my wagon to your star to aquire me some more blog-lovin’ (without saying the edgy stuff that you did…. in case my Buscha stops by)
Love you, you are hilarous!!!
This post needed PINK font!
I was depressed this morning. But I think I understand now. All I need to do is give birth to a royal baby, use the “N” word with my restaurant staff, and twerk with Beetlejuice and my blog will go rival. Ill put the meds away. Thank you. When is your next free marketing webinar where I can learn all you know for just $700…if I act within the next 30 minutes?
I had to Google GMO…so that’s why nothing of mine goes viral.
Hey Beiber, why so serious?
I believe you have just written the post we all believed we could write when we started this freakin’ blogging crap. Well done. Viral seems a reasonable conclusion.
I, of course, would never stoop to any of these things. Er, be right back. (Deletes last 57 posts)
you should also attack working moms and have a photo of you breastfeeding in public! 😀
You had me at douche canoe.
Oh, my, I love it. Thanks for making me laugh!
I peed a lil reading this! Made my week! Cheers!