Yesterday we bought a new paper shredder and I was very excited about it until I noticed all of the things you’re advised against shredding. Such as:
Let’s go over each one individually so we stay safe! DO NOT SHRED:
1. Enthusiastic triangles. No wait—I think those are allowed. Or is it exclamation points that are allowed and not triangles? WHAT PUNCTUATION CAN I SHRED?
2. Lady legs or bald toddlers, but only if the lady is wearing a skirt and the toddler is an alien.
3. Hands that don’t have fingernails and/or rubber gloves and/or leather gloves and/or chopped body parts.
4. Men’s ties. Which means my staff is going to have to find other ways to rail against The Man when we all get wasted at the next office Christmas party.
5. Ponytails. OK, this one is BULLSHIT. And elitist. Because, stupid shedder company, many of your customers are going through tough economic times right now and can’t afford to get our hair done at a fancy “salon.” Instead, we just stick the end of our pony tails into a shredder and push the power button. Now you know how I get my super sexy “Dog the Bounty Hunter after being attacked by a raccoon” look.
And also how I groom my bikini area.
6. Aerosol cans. Seriously? How am I supposed to destroy the evidence that I was the one who spray painted “MILF FREE ZONE” on our neighborhood fence now? It’s like you want me to be thrown in the clink. Jeezus.
And if all of that wasn’t bad enough, I just inserted my credit cards in the new shredder’s slot as instructed, and the Channing Tatum PPV movie I ordered isn’t showing up. You suck, new shredder and I’d totally return you.
If I hadn’t already shredded the receipt.