We’re getting to that point in the summer where it’s soon going to be triple-digits in Austin. Every damn day. And I admit that the high temperatures can make me a little crabby. And by “a little crabby,” I mean that when I’m in the grocery store parking lot, I usually gun the engine and try to run over people with my car because I’ve heard the police station has really awesome A/C in the holding pens. (But honestly, why drive a Volvo if not to slam into pedestrians while you’re cushioned like a Swedish baby by the side curtain airbags? It’s kind of expected by those socialists, I think.)
Of course I make grand efforts to hide my crabbiness, but my summer discomfort is so bad that even the kids have noticed it. In fact, they recently mentioned that I’m a lot nicer in the winter when it’s only 50 degrees outside then when it’s 100 degrees outside in the summer. They’re probably right.
How I ask the kids to get out of the car in the winter:
Guys, could you please gather your belongings and exit the vehicle in a timely fashion? I’ve been standing here in the garage waiting for you for a few minutes now. I’d greatly appreciate your cooperation in this matter. Thank you, gentlemen!
How I ask the kids to get out of the car in the summer:
GET THE HELL OUT OF THE CAR OR I WILL EAT YOUR DUMBO FACES FOR BRUNCH
How I call the kids to dinner in the winter:
Yummy yummy! Who’s ready for the delicious and nutritious meal I just whipped up in our super amazing Crock-Pot? It’s family dinner time! Let’s share our days!
How I call the kids to dinner in the summer:
I’m a sweatfaced pig and want to die, there’s a piece of candy in the sink.
How I tuck the boys into bed in the winter:
You are so adorable! I love you! Have a wonderful night! Sweet dreams, my amazing children!
How I tuck the boys into bed in the summer:
I just put ice in my pants, fluff your own damn pillow.
How I wake the boys up in the winter:
Rise and shine! It’s going to be another beautiful day in Austin!
How I wake the boys up in the summer:
If you haven’t lost your will to live, get up or don’t whatever I don’t care WHY ARE MY ARMPITS MELTING MOTHERF
How I answer the phone in the winter:
Good morning! Aarons’ residence!
How I answer the phone in the summer:
The f-ck you want, Needledick?
I’m not very proud of this behavior, of course, so I’m going to try to be a lot nicer this summer. No matter how hot it gets. But still—if you see my Volvo heading your way in the grocery store parking lot, you should probably run.
Leave me alone unless you have a meat locker.