But the thing you need to remember, Michelle, is that this whole “healthy movie snack thing” only started because I was trying to help you stick to your diet. Yeah, that’s right, your diet. I’m not the one who’s suddenly all concerned about her weight because the guy at the Costco food court asked me if I was “eatin’ hot dogs for two.” Nope, that’s all you, babe. I still fit into my stonewashed shortalls from college and not just because of my adult ADD medication, either, thank you very much.
Anyway, as an amateur natural foods chef, of course I was more than willing to put together a few “light ‘n tasty” munchies for us to enjoy during today’s matinee. That’s what friends do. I figured it was a great way to get in some cooking practice while also helping you ward off a blocked artery or two. Oh, don’t you roll your eyes at me. We both know how much you love your giant buckets of buttered popcorn, Michelle. Seriously, you sound like a swarm of locusts laying waste to a wheat field whenever you eat it. We both know the entire audience of Midnight In Paris wanted to spray you down with DDT.
But as you know, I happily spent my morning chopping, pureeing, quartering, juicing and garnishing all of the delicious Farmer’s Market produce I bought for us to munch on this afternoon. It was a tremendous amount of work and quite messy, too, I may add. Have you ever had to pick kale out of your inner ear? No, I suppose you haven’t. A Jujube or two, certainly a Twizzler, but certainly not anything that actually has vitamins in it. (Unless, of course, said vitamins are covered in a “nacho cheese product” that came out of a pump.) (Shut up because you know that’s true.)
Once our delicious snacks were packed into their snug little containers, I prepared for challenge number two: getting it all into the theater. This was no simple matter of smuggling in a few water bottles or a lousy bag of microwave popcorn like the cheapasses do. No, this was some Navy SEAL-type shit and I was determined to make it happen. Not that you would know that because you were far too busy drooling over the life-size standee of The Rock to notice any of my maneuverings. But suffice it to say I got the food inside and Matthew the pimply usher got to see his first side boob. That’s all we need to know about that.
Now, before we discuss what happened next, let me reiterate that I did not realize the movie we were seeing was an R-rated horror story about carnivorous zombies. I honestly thought Cranium Munchers 3-D was a biopic about famous mathematicians. So that one’s on me. Obviously if I’d known the actual subject matter of the movie and just how realistic the gore was, I wouldn’t have included certain things on my healthy snack menu.
Things like deviled eggs, for example. I see now that putting a chilled egg in your hand in the middle of a dark theater during the skull-sawing scene was a mistake. But that was still no reason for you to scream, “HOLY FUCK, IT’S A FRONTAL LOBE!” and chuck the egg at the screen like a slimy shot put.
Nor should you have lashed out at me when I passed you the plate of garlic hummus and baby carrots. Yes, I realize my timing wasn’t great since it was during the part of the movie where the gang of undead dines on the Mayor-elect’s toes, but it took me a long time to puree those chick peas and I really didn’t appreciate having them smeared all over my 3-D glasses. Or the homemade Greek yogurt poured all over my leather purse, my shoes and the watch my parents gave me for graduation, either, for that matter.
And would it have killed you to at least try the unshelled edamame and glass of wheat grass juice before you yelled, “STOP FEEDING ME BODY FLUIDS AND GET ME A MOTHERF*CKING ICEE, BITCH”? Honestly, the whole experience was like a bad Halloween party game with sticky floors, armrests and Dolby Surround Sound.
That said, I still wish you the best of luck with your diet. It’ll probably be a lot easier to resist those buckets of buttered popcorn now that we’re banned from the multiplex for life.
Photo via Parade.com