It’s been a pretty crappy week, this week. But then my friend Nancy reminded me of something Erma Bombeck once said: “When humor goes, there goes civilization.” And Erma is never, ever wrong.
So with that in mind, here are a few attempts to make us all laugh, starting with a short clip from one of my all-time favorite films.
1. HOW THE NEWS HAS BEEN MAKING US FEEL LATELY
Marry me, Steve Martin.
2. AN INAPPROPRIATE REDD FOXX JOKE
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
3. MY SISTERS AND I DRINKING MY DAD’S 50 YEAR OLD WHISKEY
(On the plus side, it killed any and all forms of bacteria that were living in our bodies.)
4. POSSIBLE REASONS WHY MY NEIGHBOR JUST ZOOMED OUT OF HIS DRIVEWAY
$100 suit sale at Kohl’s
Free haircuts at the VFW
Exciting news on his police scanner
The squirrels finally kicked him out
5. CELEBRITIES I’VE BEEN TOLD I RESEMBLE
The Bruce comment was actually from my mother last Christmas when I was wearing a stocking cap. I honestly don’t know where she came up with that one because my beard wasn’t even showing that day. Plus my leather suspenders are white.
6. VARIOUS COMMENTS MADE ABOUT THE LAST MEAL I COOKED
“Why is there black smoke coming out of my sandwich, mommy?”
“Generally, one shouldn’t use the “Broil” setting for more than 50 minutes.”
“YOU MAKE ME HATE THAT I OWN A STOMACH.”
7. REJECTED REJECTED VALENTINE’S DAY HEARTS
8. THE JOKE MY ENTIRE FAMILY HATES, BUT I THINK IS BRILLIANT
Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
(Feel free to steal this, but not for financial gain.)
9. THERE’S OBVIOUSLY A CRISIS IN FANILOW WORLD
Because not only is Barry taking the pot, the Mary Ju Wanna, but he’s in a room with both a lava lamp and an exposed brick wall. AN EXPOSED BRICK WALL. Not to mention that he’s dressed like either a Chinese pimp or a fancy iguana on steroids. What the f*ck, Barry? Is this 1950’s Greenwich Village? Shanghai in 1925? Do you think you’re at a “rave”? Or that you’re Snoop Manilow? But seriously, haven’t your lungs been through enough? I mean, they have to sing Weekend in New England a thousand times a year, so those poor bitches are probably begging you for mercy. Anyway, put down the doobage and call me, my man. #worried
10. FINALLY, THE MOST ADORABLE PICTURE OF MY PARENTS EVER
And if that doesn’t put a smile on your face, I don’t know what will.