After a lot of deliberation, a lot of worry and a lot of thought, I’ve decided that it’s time I share something very important with all of you today. After all, some of you have been reading my blog for quite a long time and therefore, I owe it to you to be honest. That’s the least I can do. So while this revelation isn’t going to be easy to make, I feel it’s become necessary to tell you all what’s going on with me.
I’ve written a book.
Now, before you get all excited and say “Congratulations, I’m sure it’ll win the Pulitzer!”, I need to warn you that this isn’t a book everyone will love or, for that matter, even condone. It’s not “Funny Mommy Momentz!!!” or an “Adventures of a Suburban Wino” type book. Not at all. (Although that last title is pretty damn spectacular, now that I think about it. Trademark, please.)
The fact is that I could have taken a crack at writing a book like that, a total parenting-humor crowd-pleaser, but in my opinion, that market’s pretty damn saturated. I mean, seriously—how many more hilarious scatological anecdotes can our nation take? We get it, moms. Your kids are poop machines. LOL LOL LOL for the love of god please stop.
Anyway, for my first book, I wanted to write something that still targets the mom crowd, but in a completely different genre. And this is where I might lose some of you. Because that genre is—erotica. As in the genre of the best selling book of the past year, “50 Shades of Grey.” (Also soon to be a movie that hopefully won’t star Kevin James.)
I’m a little bit nervous to type that word, “erotica,” because I know some of you may judge me, but please realize that I wanted to be strategic and write something that had a surefire chance of success. The “50 Shades of Grey” trilogy is a total phenomenon—with headline after headline like “Moms Love Sexy Reading!”—so it seemed like a no-brainer. Experts say “write what the market will support,” so that’s what I did.
However, while “50 Shades” is about a mysterious billionaire and his 21-year-old submissive girlfriend, I wanted my book to really target moms. I wanted to give them a story they would feel was their own humdrum life writ large and, well, super naked and sweaty. And that’s why the name of my soon-to-be-self-published book is this: PTO PASSION
“PTO PASSION” is the hot, spicy tale of PTO President Raquella Roberts who falls hard for the mysterious, hunky owner of the dunk tank she rented for the school carnival. I don’t want to give too much of the plot away, but just know that there’s an amazingly torrid scene between Raquella and Wet Tommy that involves yoga pants, clipboards and the back of a dented Honda minivan. (HOT.) And if you thought the S&M scenes in “50 Shades” were intense, just wait until you see what Raquella does to Wet Tommy when he forgets the volunteer-sign up sheet on Field Day. Trust me, I had to drink a lot of wine when writing that naughty bit!
But in all seriousness, I have to say that I know PTO Erotica isn’t the kind of thing you’d expect from me, a humor writer and rescue cat owner. And I’m sorry if I’ve upset any of you. It wasn’t my intent.
That said, I sincerely hope you’ll continue to offer your support. The absolute last thing I want to do is isolate any of my readers and friends. So if you would please consider buying a copy (or two!) of my book, it’d mean the world to me. The absolute world. “PTO PASSION” and it’s sequel “THE R-RATED ROOM MOM” will be available on Amazon.com, Ebay and at your finer flea markets everywhere starting today, April 1st.
Oh, yeah, that’s right. Today is April 1st.