(From the dusty, musty Wendi archives)
Help! Help! Chris! Can you come downstairs? Hurry!
(panting) OK, OK, I’m here! What’s the emergency?
You won’t believe this, but I just saw a big, black hole on the roof of Jack’s mouth! It’s the size of a pencil eraser! I’m freaking out!
What!? Let me look. Jack, open your mouth. Open your mouth. OPEN YOUR MOUTH!
Open your mouth for daddy, Jack! Open up! Like this! See how mommy’s doing it? OPEN!! Say “ahhh!” Say “ahhh!” OPEN UP YOUR MOUTH NOW! IT’S A MEDICAL EMERGENCY, DUMMY!
Knock it off, Dr. House. It’s open.
Good job, Jack! Oh, my poor, poor sweet baby!
Hmm…OK, I think I see actually something.
Oh, my God, I was right! What is it? Is it a tumor? A hole? It IS a hole! I knew it! How the hell did he get a hole on the roof of his mouth? Has he been eating chemicals? Did he drink the Febreze? Because that stuff kind of smells appetizing, don’t you think? It’s like fruit cake in a spray! In fact, sometimes I even think about licking the couch after I’ve sprayed it, but only when I have low blood sugar and…do you think it’s congenital? Do you think it’s something his dentist should have noticed? This is horrible! We should call 911. Should we call 911? Let’s call 911. No! Let’s just go directly to the ER. We can take my car–I just got gas, which by the way, was $3.00 a damn gallon, can you believe…suitcase. I should take a suitcase, right? Small or large? Maybe just a duffle ba—does this mean he needs surgery? Does this mean he has a disease? Does this mean he can now spit out of his nose, because at least that’d get him on TV, well, reality TV, but…
Are you done?
What do you mean, am I done? Of course I’m not “done.” Our BABY, our precious little 3 1/2 year old BABY has…
It was broccoli. On the roof of his mouth. And now, it’s gone. It’s a frickin’ medical miracle. In fact, why don’t you call CNN and tell them all about it. Ask for Blitzer.
Oh. Ha! That’s funny, isn’t it?
OK, it’s not. But look on the bright side—-at least we know he’s eating his vegetables! Right? Right? Where are you going?
Upstairs. I think I saw a red mark on the cat. Might be scurvy.
Oh, come on. That’s ridiculous. Just leave me…wait a sec. Did you say “scurvy”!?