March 6th, 2013
The human foot has 2,000 bones in it.
If you break one of those 2,000 bones, you will never get your Chi back.
The best way to keep your foot bones safe is to put happy thoughts out into the universe.
Happy thoughts aren’t always about cute puppies, FYI.
But looking at cute puppies can lower your blood pressure by like, 120 points. On average.
Too much red meat can damage you reproductively.
But eating raw vegetables will turn you into a “Fertile Myrtle.”
So if you’re dating an unemployed mandolin musician and don’t want to have a baby with him because he’s somewhat of a flake and smokes too much pot on weekends, don’t eat salads.
The best advice can be found cross stitched on a pillow by a Grandma.
Bob Dylan invented that yoga pose where you stick your head between your legs and hum.
Or maybe it was ex-Beatle George Harrison who invented that pose.
George Harrison died before Ringo and that is a travesty of The Universe. YOU ARE MISSED, GEORGE.
At any rate, don’t do the hum/leg pose if you’re feeling faint.
Torso twists make your liver work more efficiently.
Inverted poses increase your creativity. But don’t try to paint upside down!
Many in the know say that the human ribcage is one of the seven wonders of the world.
The human ribcage was harder to construct than the Taj Mahal.
Some people call their ribcages their “Taj Mahal” but it’s really a personal choice.
Passing gas is our body’s way of saying, “Hey, brain, I’m relaxed. It’s all good in da hood.”
On average, you pass gas 10 times in an hour-long yoga class.
A few of you pass even more gas than that! I think we all know who!
We all have a third eye that we need to KEEP OPEN AT ALL TIMES.
Some people have four eyes, but none of those people are in this class because you people aren’t that advanced yet.
If everyone discovered the right way to breathe, there’d be no more wars. Give peace a chance! Inhale!
FYI, the right way to breathe is with your whole entire glorious body.
Innnnn, oooouttttt. That’s breathing.
Ouuuutttt, innnnnn. That’s breathing, too.
It’s never good to not breathe, even if it’s allergy season and you’re full of phlegm. A doctor would agree with that advice, I’m pretty sure.
Yoga mats are 20% off in the lobby!
Also, be sure to take a look at The Mouthy Housewives talking about the idiots who work at Mattel over on The Huffington Post.
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