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Questionable Facts I Heard From My Yoga Teacher

March 6th, 2013

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The human foot has 2,000 bones in it.

If you break one of those 2,000 bones, you will never get your Chi back.

The best way to keep your foot bones safe is to put happy thoughts out into the universe.

Happy thoughts aren’t always about cute puppies, FYI.

But looking at cute puppies can lower your blood pressure by like, 120 points. On average.

Too much red meat can damage you reproductively.

But eating raw vegetables will turn you into a “Fertile Myrtle.”

So if you’re dating an unemployed mandolin musician and don’t want to have a baby with him because he’s somewhat of a flake and smokes too much pot on weekends, don’t eat salads.

The best advice can be found cross stitched on a pillow by a Grandma.

Bob Dylan invented that yoga pose where you stick your head between your legs and hum.

Or maybe it was ex-Beatle George Harrison who invented that pose.

George Harrison died before Ringo and that is a travesty of The Universe. YOU ARE MISSED, GEORGE.

At any rate, don’t do the hum/leg pose if you’re feeling faint.

Torso twists make your liver work more efficiently.

Inverted poses increase your creativity. But don’t try to paint upside down!

Many in the know say that the human ribcage is one of the seven wonders of the world.

The human ribcage was harder to construct than the Taj Mahal.

Some people call their ribcages their “Taj Mahal” but it’s really a personal choice.

Passing gas is our body’s way of saying, “Hey, brain, I’m relaxed. It’s all good in da hood.”

On average, you pass gas 10 times in an hour-long yoga class.

A few of you pass even more gas than that! I think we all know who!

We all have a third eye that we need to KEEP OPEN AT ALL TIMES.

Some people have four eyes, but none of those people are in this class because you people aren’t that advanced yet.

If everyone discovered the right way to breathe, there’d be no more wars. Give peace a chance! Inhale!

FYI, the right way to breathe is with your whole entire glorious body.

Innnnn, oooouttttt. That’s breathing.

Ouuuutttt, innnnnn. That’s breathing, too.

It’s never good to not breathe, even if it’s allergy season and you’re full of phlegm.  A doctor would agree with that advice, I’m pretty sure.

Yoga mats are 20% off in the lobby!

______________________

Also, be sure to take a look at The Mouthy Housewives talking about the idiots who work at Mattel over on The Huffington Post.

 

 

 

 

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

14 Comments

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  • 1. Star Traci  |  March 6th, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Well, I’m screwed because I broke ,my foot in 6th grade!
    As a mom of two, I am now banning raw veggies from the house and will be eating only burgers going forward.
    And finally, I appreciate the tutorial on the breathing because that has really had me flustered over the last 41 years.

    Thanks, as always, for the smiles!
    :-)
    Traci

  • 2. Kristi  |  March 6th, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Your teacher is far better than mine!!

  • 3. joeinvegas  |  March 6th, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Oh, 20%? wow

  • 4. The Well-Versed Mom  |  March 6th, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    I don’t do yoga. This may be why.
    Or maybe I’m just lazy.

  • 5. Cait  |  March 6th, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Your yoga class sounds like so much fun. The one I used to go to was apparently sponsored by the chicken farmers of America. Afterwards we would all go out for eggs.

  • 6. Lovelyn  |  March 6th, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    That’s why it stank in the yoga class I tried last year.

  • 7. Karen  |  March 6th, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    I threw my back out reading this, but as I sit in my lazy boy recliner I realize I’ve never broken my foot! My Chi is free!!!

    Yay!
    Rock on.

  • 8. Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli)  |  March 6th, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    I love to think about cute puppies. But thinking about puppies makes me think about cleaning up poop. Which does not make for happy thoughts…

  • 9. suburbancorrespondent  |  March 6th, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    Good Lord, George Harrison is DEAD?!

  • 10. The mama bird diaries  |  March 7th, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Fuck, I love salad. Now I see why I’m knocked up with a 5th kid.

  • 11. dusty earth mother  |  March 7th, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I will never advance into the four-eye level.

  • 12. Cathy The Frazzled Mom  |  March 10th, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Haven’t done yoga, but I’m game if it will put my ovaries to sleep. I’m 49 and I’d freaking like them to retire. Maybe use elevator music and put them to sleep with Muskrat Love?
    I definitely need the torso twists I’m on my 3rd glass of wine and it’s only 5:55 pm., eating pizza crusts. Is there a carb reversal pose? Love ya, Wendi!

  • 13. Katja  |  March 12th, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    It’s like we have the same yoga instructor.

  • 14. Tarja  |  March 13th, 2013 at 10:45 am

    It’s really a personal choice – love it. Also, I’ve been painting upside down all these years. This explains a lot.


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