With the new year upon us, it’s crucial to eat right and exercise to maintain your heath and well-being. But just how much do you know about all things healthy? Probably less than you think, dummy! Take this quiz to find out how little you actually know!
1. A person should pay attention to the Food Pyramid if:
A) They’re a nerd who enjoys nerdy nerd stuff like “geometry” and “nutrition” and “not dying of scurvy.”
B) They’re Egyptian and want to know where the snack bar is located.
C) The Food Parallelogram made them chubby.
2. Kale is considered a “superfood” because:
A) Unlike regular lettuce, it has X-ray vision and the ability to fly.
B) It’s slightly more digestible than kryptonite.
C) Snails make tiny capes with it on Halloween.
3. If you want more calcium in your diet, you should:
A) Add a serving of skim milk to your 32 oz. Diet Coke.
B) Up your daily Cheez-Its intake from one box to two.
C) Lick a cow on her white parts.
4. An easy way to add exercise to your regular routine is to:
A) Climb your office stairs on your hands and feet like a toddler/grizzly bear.
B) Approach a group of loitering teenagers and yell, “Yo, which one of you pizza-faced inbred mouthbreathers wants to chase this fat honky to the ravine?”
C) Put on your favorite dance music and plop a live squirrel on your crotch.
5. You know you’re getting a good work-out if:
A) Your thighs smell like gasoline after completing a round of squats.
B) Your face is the color of the Gatorade you’re drinking.
C) You briefly see Jesus and He looks like He’s getting your room ready.
6. A proper serving of grilled chicken should be the size of:
A) A hand.
B) A foot.
C) A large Meat Lovers pizza and a six-pack of Heineken resting on top of a proper serving of f-ing grilled chicken.
7. What should you look for when picking out fresh cantaloupe at the market?
C) Cops who are also perverts and therefore really know their way around melons if you know what I mean and I think you do, you vitamin-deficient Skanky Pants.
8. Which of the following is a good source of potassium?
A) A potassium mine.
B) Bath salts cut with just a soupçon of mashed banana.
C) A potato that’s been bio-engineered to breed with a possum.
9. How many meals should you have a day?
A) As many as I can get out of two liters of vodka.
B) Five or six, depending on when the asshole Chuck E. Cheese manager decides to kick me out of the ball pit.
C) Is a marijuana cigarette a “meal”?
10. Your friend is trying a new detox regimen in which she only drinks water and lemon juice. You:
A) Push her down the stairs when she’s at her weakest and immediately assume her identity.
B) Seethe with jealousy when she loses 50 pounds in two days and starts wearing her Pomeranian’s clothing.
C) Lick her on her white parts.
If you answered mostly A’s, you are a little healthier than Honey Boo Boo’s pet pig.
If you answered mostly B’s, please put me in your will ASAP, Ms. Intensive Care.
If you answered mostly C’s—you’re my new personal trainer! Salud!
Thank you so much for all of the wonderful, hilarious and fun comments on my last post about celebrity encounters! Suzy Soro and I loved each and every one of them. And congratulations to randomly-chosen-by-my 9-year-old-son-Jack commenter #62 Becky Rice who saw former pro-football player Sterling Sharpe in a golf store. Becky, send your address to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll get your copy of “Celebrity sTalker” to you as soon as I remember to not procrastinate!