Remember that time in 2011 when my husband Chris and I flew to Sweden to buy a car? Fresh off the Volvo factory floor? With our eyes full of excitement and our bellies full of undercooked Swedish meatballs? Here’s Chris just moments after meeting The Silver Fox:
Sigh. It was as flawless as a baby. Well, a baby who’s just been given the once-over with a shammy and a tin of Turtle Wax by a grumpy Swede named Björne. But we sure had some good times in that car, we did. It took us from Texas to Nevada—and back—two times and even kept us safe from these sketchy aliens when we drove through Area 51:
Bloorg and Blaarg were far too busy harassing their crabby mothership for gas station snacks to abduct anyone that day.
More recently, The Silver Fox carried us to Florida—and back—for Thanksgiving and even managed to emerge unscathed from Bourbon Street. (Something I’ve never personally been able to do.) The little SUV was definitely ready for a good winter rest. But then, a week before Christmas, Chris was driving home from Target and a truck ran a red light at 55 miles per hour. And this happened:
Sigh. No longer as flawless as a baby. More like as flawless as a convicted murderer who tries to escape Rikers Island and gets his ass jumped by 20 angry prison guards with expandable batons and brass knuckles. Ain’t no Swedish shammy goin’ fix that shit.
Fortunately, Chris was unhurt in the accident—which is why we’ll continue to buy cushions-you-like-a-pillow-in-a-crash Volvos—but The Silver Fox was like, so totally totaled. I mean, totally. “Where’s it going to go now?” I quietly asked Raoul, the collision center guy, while we were standing in the salvage yard cleaning out the car.
“Well, they sell it at auction, then it’s picked clean for parts. Much like vultures on a deadass rabbit,” he answered as he dug around the front seat. “Ain’t no biggie. Hey, you wanna keep (disgusted pause) this Clay Aiken CD, lady?” (Uh, yes, I did.)
But wait! The Aarons’ vehicular fun wasn’t over! Because last week the Enterprise Rent-A-Car rental we were driving had engine failure on our way back from San Antonio. The good news is that it was a dark night, 40 degrees and we were on an isolated country road when the gas fumes started enveloping us. I know, so lucky! But then, after 50 minutes on hold with Enterprise Roadside Assistance, the call was suddenly disconnected on their end and the four of us were basically just left to the wolves. Or coyotes. Or whatever bloodthirsty mammals troll the Texas back roads. The Allman Brothers?
Finally, after two plus hours of sitting in the dark, with the kids busy playing their iTouches, Chris busy calling for help and me busy staring out into the black woods and wondering why, for the love of God, I’d just watched the entire first season of “American Horror Story,” we were rescued. No, not by those losers at “We’ll Pick You Up!” Enterprise. By my friend Maria in her minivan. Yep, next time you’re stranded, “Maria Will Pick You Up!” (Then make you promise to take her kid to the next Kevin James movie as payback. Maybe I should have taken my chances with Gregg Allman.)
But now it looks like our car troubles are finally over because Chris just flew up to Dallas where he picked up our shiny, new replacement Volvo. Hooray! He said Dallas was just like our Sweden experience, only the car dealer wasn’t named Ulf and he didn’t have socialized health care, red pants or a “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” smugness about him. Anyway, The Silver Fox is dead. Long live…
The Redd Foxx! (And I hope you all know why I added the extra “d” and “x,” you big dummy.) Yeah, I know, it’s slightly bright. Slightly—shiny. Slightly “Good God, look away if you don’t want your retinas permanently damaged, neighborhood children.” I mean, even our 9-year-old son Jack, who frequently dresses himself in all-red outfits and who considers tie-dye to be a primary color, looked at the car and said, “Hmmmm. I was hoping for something a bit more understated.”
But I have to say that I’m completely happy with the color because it’s now obvious to all that we’re in the throes of a mid-life crisis. We no longer have to hide it. No, this car pretty much throws a pound of glitter confetti in your face while screaming, “Attention shoppers! We’re super concerned about automotive safety, but we still want to look hot and sexy when we’re driving to the pharmacy to pick up our goiter medication and Poise pads!!! PAR-TAY!!” And that’s a good thing.
Because I just know Clay Aiken would love it.
Congrats and good luck! She is a looker.
Replacement Volvo is the name of my new Escort Service.
I’m very glad Chris wasn’t hurt and that you weren’t discovered by a roving serial killer while stranded in the rental.
Redd is gorgeous! I love Volvos, almost as much as I love Swedes. Be safe with Redd, and enjoy every ride.
Sooo glad Chris is okay! Your new car sure is sexy! My car died last week on my way to the wilderness to write. So instead of writing I did a lot of calling around. Paid 1,000 to get it home, but it looks like I killed it. Currently looking for a new car. budget is tight. Do they still sell Yugos?
The thing about commenting after Marinka is I never have to worry about being funny. The pressure is gone.
But of course I know why you’d use two t’s. and that smile on Chris’s face in the Sweden picture is so great, even if it did make me sadder that what happened to the Silver Fox.
Very glad your husband is okay. I want to know what intersection your husband was at…somewhere on 360? Running a light at 55 MPH is crazy. Hope the truck driver was in huge trouble.
I’m glad your husband wasn’t hurt in the accident. The Redd Foxx looks like an excellent replacement vehicle. Sometimes it’s good to stand out in a crowd.
Redd Foxx translates, in Swedish, to “never lose your car in the parking lot.” Which is what happens to us folks tottering on the brink of late middle age. Wait. Did I write “us?” Silly me. I mean folks like ME. You, hotsy mamma in the red suvports car, you are clearly in your late 20s or thereabouts.
(which is to say I’m really glad no one hurt in the accident & triple glad no kids were in the backseat!)
Wait till you see what the Texas sun does to that lovely, shiny redd 😛
That red is pimping! WOOT. So glad your hubs was ok–scary.
P.S. My hubs works for Enterprise. No really! You shouldda called him!!!!
So sorry about your Silver fox but it also reaffirms why I bought a Volvo SUV. Love the red!
“I’m coming, ‘Lizabeth…”
Glad to hear hubby is OK, and the Redd Foxx is damn fine! I have GOT to get me one of those!
Glad your hubby is okay. So sorry about the Silver Fox. But you just made my day by mentioning “you big dummy.” That, for some odd reason, is my favorite quote ever.
Now I won’t be able to miss you driving around Austin:)
Ouch! Glad that Chris is ok, but I have to say that the red is oh-so-chic. Of course, I drive a red car, so I’m an authority on those kinds of things.
You know, I could paint my my minivan read and it wouldn’t actually make it hot and sexy.
I love it!! Since I have two teenage boy drivers we have had many accidents at our house. I have learned that the accident is never their fault.
I dream that someday Lykke Li and Redd Foxx will meet up halfway between Oakland and Austin, although if I calculate correctly that is somewhere in the Sonoran desert and we’d be LUCKY if the Allman Brothers were all that stumbled out of the dark.
I have a ditzy friend who believes that red cars are getaway cars. Um, OK then.
We were in this kind of love with our Touareg. After it was totaled (with me and three kids inside, none of whom was hurt) there was no question we’d simply replace her with another because come on! Hit at 82 mph by a fucking winnebago? That bitch did her job! At no point was I ever telling Elizabeth I was coming to join her and I’ll never forget Greeny for that.
That is a bloody red car. And I’m not using a British swear word.
Everybody loves a sexy redhead.
My last two cars were red, in the fond hope of minimizing the number of visually challenged people who ran into my tan one. I had the first one 2 days before a lady centered me up. Did not notice the RED car in her sights. The second one went three weeks . I don’t want to talk about it.
Remember, the people who hit me are careening around in Texas.
I’m glad you are all okay. And that is a pretty car. Be careful though, drivers of red cars are more likely to get tickets…
Long Live MARIA!
Sooooo, at the ripe old age of 58, yes, 58, I have given my uber cool black jeep Cherokee 4×4, (which by the way the teenage boys swooned over (is that still a word)to my ‘I can’t believe you’re still living at home, aren’t you ever going to move out’ daughter. What did I replace it with you ask? A Cadillac. A station wagon Cadillac no less, although Cadillac calls it a “Sport Wagon” helping to make me feel less like my 86 yr old father. One of my friends, who is 10 years younger, just stared at it. Absolutely no comment from her as she sashayed her way to her 2 door convertible. But FYI, it will hold a shit load of Depends, TP, and Metamucil from Costco. And it looks real hood now that I have the windows tinted.