January 31st, 2013
Today a few of my friends and I all wrote about the same thing—what our blogs would have been about if we’d had them when we were in our unfocused, crazy 20′s. As opposed to having them now in our unfocused, crazy 30/40′s. Hey, whatever keeps us busy and off the pole should be applauded, people.
So what I want you all to do now is just pretend for a moment that you’re reading this blog in the late 80′s/early 90′s. You’re probably wearing stonewashed jeans. And thinking about voting for Dukakis. Maybe you’re listening to some Ace of Base on your Walkman. All set? Then here’s just a bit of the brilliance you would have seen way back then (and please note that my 20′s included college, starting a career and marriage:)
1. I HATE MY JOB AT PORT O’SUBS SANDWICHES!!!!
First of all, I only took the stupid position of “Oil and Vinegar Midshipsman” at stupid Port o’ Subs because my stupid parents made me so I can make stupid money for stupid college. And even though I keep telling them how much I hate it and that I work with complete freakfaces and NOT TO MENTION that I think I’m allergic to both OIL AND VINEGAR and should therefore OFFICIALLY RESIGN FROM BEING THE OIL AND VINEGAR MIDSHIPSMAN they just laugh at my hairnet and say that I “should have tried harder to get a scholarship.” #mega #harsh
2. I AM THE FUTURE OF FILM
Confession time: I feel mondo sorry for the hosers who think movies like Twins and Pretty Woman are actually art. Like my roommate Jill who wants to change her name to “Demi” because she loved that bourgeois piece of shit St. Elmo’s Fire so much. Um, hello, Demi Hieronymous?!? Gag. Anyway, she also called my student film about an angst-filled mechanic who doesn’t do anything but smoke pot and eat peaches (The Adventures of the Smoky Peach Pot Man) “pretentious.” She’s going to be so faced when I win an Oscar.
3. WHAM! POSTER GIVEAWAY!
I really, really, really don’t want to talk about Wham! breaking up because the pain is still too sharp. However, if you want to win my poster that I no longer need because it makes me convulse in grief, leave a comment saying 1) George is TOTALLY NOT GAY and 2) How I can become his girlfriend (include bullet points). Good luck, Whamimals!
4. PARTY PICS!!
It’s so much fun to go out drinking with your friends until 2 a.m., then wake up at 7 a.m. with NO hangover and feel MONDO GREAT! I hope I do this my entire life!! Here’s me and Karen who will always be cool and will never do a lame old lady thing with me like go to a Manilow concert in Vegas when we’re 40. (Gag!)
5. MY X-FILES RECAPS
I can NOT believe what Mulder did this week, can you? I’m working on my recap, but here’s me in my new Dana Scully FBI lady suit and haircut:
The Truth is Out There!
6. MY WEDDING PLANS
Chris and I are engaged! We’ll be 24 years old for our wedding, which is a good age to settle down because we’re not stuck in our ways and don’t own any property besides cats and a CD tower. I love him so much! Please vote for which 1992 song we should use for our first dance: Boyz II Men “End of the Road,” Sir-Mix-A-Lot “Baby Got Back” or Color Me Badd “All For Love.” Thanks, peeps!
7. I HATE KIDS
There was a BABY on the airplane this morning who cried for three solid hours! (Chris says it was more like 5 minutes, but he’s way wrong.) If/when we ever have kids, trust me: they will never, ever cry in public and always have clean faces. Hello? It’s called being a good parent.
8. FUTURE STEP AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR?
I think $1,000 for the classes seems like a solid investment for my career because step aerobics will be around like, forever. I hope I don’t get distracted by not having $1,000, though. (Then 6,000 more words on the subject.)
9. I HATE ALEX TREBEK
My mom told me to drink some vodka before I tried out for the Concentration game show so I’d “have some more personality” (her words, not mine) but it totally didn’t work even though I was mega tipsy. No, they picked a girl with big boobs from Reseda instead of me and she can’t even SPELL. Now I’ll never meet Trebek. But he’s such a jerkwad that I don’t really care. (Then 6,000 more words on the subject.)
10. I’M GOING TO BE 30!
I can’t stop crying about turning 30 tomorrow! The best part of my life is over! Wah! But seriously, things are already starting to sag on my body and I found ONE grey hair on my head. And ONE almost-wrinkle on my forehead. Oh, my God, I’m so depressed! In 15 years I’ll probably wind up being some loser who lives in Texas and poses for pictures with her cat. Hahaha! Just kidding. That will NEVER happen. NEVER. I’ll jump off a bridge before I ever do something that damn pathetic.
Me, in this month’s Austin American-Statesman’s Real Magazine. #mega #harsh
For more 10 Reasons You Should Be Glad I Didn’t Blog In My 20′s fun, go visit some of the funniest writers I know—I can’t wait to read what they came up with:
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