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10 Reasons You Should Be Glad I Didn’t Blog In My 20′s

January 31st, 2013

Today a few of my friends and I all wrote about the same thing—what our blogs would have been about if we’d had them when we were in our unfocused, crazy 20′s. As opposed to having them now in our unfocused, crazy 30/40′s. Hey, whatever keeps us busy and off the pole should be applauded, people.

So what I want you all to do now is just pretend for a moment that you’re reading this blog in the late 80′s/early 90′s. You’re probably wearing stonewashed jeans. And thinking about voting for Dukakis. Maybe you’re listening to some Ace of Base on your Walkman. All set? Then here’s just a bit of the brilliance you would have seen way back then (and please note that my 20′s included college, starting a career and marriage:) 

1. I HATE MY JOB AT PORT O’SUBS SANDWICHES!!!!

First of all, I only took the stupid position of “Oil and Vinegar Midshipsman” at stupid Port o’ Subs because my stupid parents made me so I can make stupid money for stupid college. And even though I keep telling them how much I hate it and that I work with complete freakfaces and NOT TO MENTION that I think I’m allergic to both OIL AND VINEGAR and should therefore OFFICIALLY RESIGN FROM BEING THE OIL AND VINEGAR MIDSHIPSMAN they just laugh at my hairnet and say that I “should have tried harder to get a scholarship.” #mega #harsh

2. I AM THE FUTURE OF FILM

Confession time: I feel mondo sorry for the hosers who think movies like Twins and Pretty Woman are actually art. Like my roommate Jill who wants to change her name to “Demi” because she loved that bourgeois piece of shit St. Elmo’s Fire so much. Um, hello, Demi Hieronymous?!? Gag. Anyway, she also called my student film about an angst-filled mechanic who doesn’t do anything but smoke pot and eat peaches (The Adventures of the Smoky Peach Pot Man) “pretentious.” She’s going to be so faced when I win an Oscar.

3. WHAM! POSTER GIVEAWAY!

I really, really, really don’t want to talk about Wham! breaking up because the pain is still too sharp. However, if you want to win my poster that I no longer need because it makes me convulse in grief, leave a comment saying 1) George is TOTALLY NOT GAY and 2) How I can become his girlfriend (include bullet points). Good luck, Whamimals!

wham!

4. PARTY PICS!!

It’s so much fun to go out drinking with your friends until 2 a.m., then wake up at 7 a.m. with NO hangover and feel MONDO GREAT! I hope I do this my entire life!! Here’s me and Karen who will always be cool and will never do a lame old lady thing with me like go to a Manilow concert in Vegas when we’re 40. (Gag!)

wendi&karen

5. MY X-FILES RECAPS

I can NOT believe what Mulder did this week, can you? I’m working on my recap, but here’s me in my new Dana Scully FBI lady suit and haircut:

scully

The Truth is Out There!

6.  MY WEDDING PLANS

Chris and I are engaged! We’ll be 24 years old for our wedding, which is a good age to settle down because we’re not stuck in our ways and don’t own any property besides cats and a CD tower. I love him so much! Please vote for which 1992 song we should use for our first dance: Boyz II Men “End of the Road,” Sir-Mix-A-Lot “Baby Got Back” or Color Me Badd “All For Love.” Thanks, peeps!

7. I HATE KIDS

There was a BABY on the airplane this morning who cried for three solid hours! (Chris says it was more like 5 minutes, but he’s way wrong.) If/when we ever have kids, trust me: they will never, ever cry in public and always have clean faces. Hello? It’s called being a good parent.

8. FUTURE STEP AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR?

I think $1,000 for the classes seems like a solid investment for my career because step aerobics will be around like, forever. I hope I don’t get distracted by not having $1,000, though. (Then 6,000 more words on the subject.)

9. I HATE ALEX TREBEK

My mom told me to drink some vodka before I tried out for the Concentration game show so I’d “have some more personality” (her words, not mine) but it totally didn’t work even though I was mega tipsy. No, they picked a girl with big boobs from Reseda instead of me and she can’t even SPELL. Now I’ll never meet Trebek. But he’s such a jerkwad that I don’t really care. (Then 6,000 more words on the subject.)

10. I’M GOING TO BE 30!

I can’t stop crying about turning 30 tomorrow! The best part of my life is over! Wah! But seriously, things are already starting to sag on my body and I found ONE grey hair on my head. And ONE almost-wrinkle on my forehead. Oh, my God, I’m so depressed! In 15 years I’ll probably wind up being some loser who lives in Texas and poses for pictures with her cat. Hahaha! Just kidding. That will NEVER happen. NEVER. I’ll jump off a bridge before I ever do something that damn pathetic.

Cut to:

 wendiaarons-virgil

 Me, in this month’s Austin American-Statesman’s Real Magazine. #mega #harsh

For more 10 Reasons You Should Be Glad I Didn’t Blog In My 20′s fun, go visit some of the funniest writers I know—I can’t wait to read what they came up with:

Midlife Mixtape

The Flying Chalupa

I’m Gonna Kill Him

Smacksy

Earth Mother Just Means I’m Dusty

Motherhood in NYC

The Mama Bird Diaries

Baby on Bored

Peace, Love & Guacamole

Wait in the Van

Tales of (Married) Mikkimoto

Ann’s Rants

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

43 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. dusty earth mother  |  January 31st, 2013 at 12:17 am

    Oh. Oh. Oh. To all of it.

  • 2. Roxanne  |  January 31st, 2013 at 12:21 am

    My vote is for Baby Got Back. Obviously.

    Also, you make a gorgeous Dana Scully.

  • 3. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac  |  January 31st, 2013 at 1:01 am

    You are mondo great. Mean it.

  • 4. 10 Reasons You Should Be &hellip  |  January 31st, 2013 at 1:48 am

    [...] 11. Wendi Aarons [...]

  • 5. Marinka  |  January 31st, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Babies suck!

  • 6. the mama bird diaries  |  January 31st, 2013 at 8:18 am

    I never knew we went to the same hair stylist.

  • 7. HIp-Baby Mama  |  January 31st, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Sensory memory recall: I could smell Port O Subs the moment you mentioned it. I can only imagine how awful my hair would smell if I’d worked there.
    George Michael is gay?

  • 8. Jessie  |  January 31st, 2013 at 8:48 am

    hilarious! “That will never happen.” if only we could remember those things we say and try oh so hard to never make them happen! :)

  • 9. Ellen  |  January 31st, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Oh Wendi, i loved that one — I’m probably 15 years older than you, so I didn’t so much “live” the 80′s/90′s as observe them (don’t ask) — but this stirs up a lot of great memories.

    You may appreciate hearing that my 20-year-old posted that pic of Wham! for his Christmas greeting this year on fb. Our three (ranging 20 to 30) are ardent fans and faithfully sing “Last Christmas” on Christmas morning. Hey, a classic’s a classic — and you’re one of mine. Thank you!!!

  • 10. Lovelyn  |  January 31st, 2013 at 9:14 am

    My son went to the same middle school as George Michael and every time I’d enter the building I’d say, “Imagine George Michael once walked these halls.” It drove him crazy.

  • 11. Karen  |  January 31st, 2013 at 9:27 am

    I would totally relate because I got totally got fired from my CASHIER job at The HardRock Cave because I looked too sad all the time… I’m a CASHIER wearing FLAIR! Why wouldn’t I look sad????

    *Ahem*

    Caio

  • 12. Ann  |  January 31st, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Aye Aye, Midshipsman!

    (This was so hilarious)

  • 13. tracy@sellabitmum  |  January 31st, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Cats and a CD tower – OMG I”m still in my 20s!

  • 14. Linda  |  January 31st, 2013 at 9:52 am

    TOTALLLLLLLLLLLLY, RAD, BITCHIN’ BLOG !!!

  • 15. Tracey  |  January 31st, 2013 at 9:54 am

    At least your student film didn’t include a scene depicting an actor’s head smashing against a headboard in an edited portrayal of gay sex. My twenty-something self was gratified to overhear a parent complain, “They can’t do that!”
    And now I thank God that’s never made it to YouTube!

  • 16. Kristen  |  January 31st, 2013 at 10:31 am

    God this is awesome. I might have to dust off the ol’ blog and actually WRITE something.

  • 17. Stefanie  |  January 31st, 2013 at 10:40 am

    I would definitely have voted for Boyz II Men “End of the Road.” And if it was my wedding I would have obsessed about it for days and days.

  • 18. Kizz  |  January 31st, 2013 at 10:49 am

    These photos are comedy gold…except the last one, that one’s just good sense.

  • 19. Nancy Davis Kho  |  January 31st, 2013 at 10:58 am

    After the photo in #5 was taken, did you bite the photographer’s face off? Because it looks like that’s what you’re fixin’ to do.

  • 20. Becky (Princess Mikkimoto)  |  January 31st, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Party PICS and Wham! We would have been blog BFF’s!

  • 21. Suzy  |  January 31st, 2013 at 11:01 am

    MAN, YOU JUST HAD TO END THIS POST WITH A CAT REFERENCE, DIDN’T YOU?

    I
    CAN’T
    TAKE
    IT
    ANY
    MORE

  • 22. Anna Lefler  |  January 31st, 2013 at 11:13 am

    The truth is definitely in those shoulder pads.

    Love this post!

  • 23. Lisa Rae @ smacksy  |  January 31st, 2013 at 11:19 am

    You were a foxy Scully, my dear. xo

  • 24. anna see  |  January 31st, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Love this! You made a great Scully! Everyone told me I was a mix btwn Scully and the doc on ER.

  • 25. suburbancorrespondent  |  January 31st, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    I am often thankful that the Internet’s heyday did not start until I was safely out of my 20′s. I think otherwise I would have to be in some blogging version of the Witness Protection Program right now.

  • 26. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him  |  January 31st, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    I feel an overwhelming urge to know what you did dance to at your wedding?

    This list was beyond funny.

  • 27. Lady Jennie  |  January 31st, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    George is TOTALLY NOT GAY!

    I could totally be his girlfriend because I never miss my appointment at the tanning salon, and I set off my glow with pink neon ripped off-the-shoulder dolman-sleeved tops and white keds.

  • 28. The Flying Chalupa  |  January 31st, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    I am now going to refer to you from here on out as the Oil & Vinegar Midshipman.

    Love the voice throughout – you captured it best. Like, way.

  • 29. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes  |  January 31st, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    You totally look like Dana Scully!

  • 30. julie gardner  |  February 1st, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Dude.

    I got a job at a French bakery, gained fifteen pounds in six weeks then quit.

    Because Axl Rose was never gonna sing “Patience” to a girl with cheese croissant on her upper lip.

    Duh.

  • 31. Wendy C  |  February 1st, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Damnit, Lady Jennie…STEP OFF! GEORGE IS MINE!

  • 32. Babe_Chilla  |  February 1st, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    DEAD. So fucking funny. DEAD.

  • 33. Becky Rice  |  February 2nd, 2013 at 6:05 am

    Loved the blog hop. Wickedly funny chicks – this made my morning!

  • 34. Invader_Stu  |  February 3rd, 2013 at 3:15 am

    Hehe. That was brilliant. What a cool idea.

  • 35. Suburban Snapshots  |  February 3rd, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    God, 20-somethings are intolerable on Facebook, largely because their entire feeds are your #4.

  • 36. Sharona Zee  |  February 3rd, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    I read all 10 blogs tonight, instead of giving my animals the fine service they’ve come to expect.

    thanks!

  • 37. Jessie S  |  February 4th, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Yes, to all of this… or AMEN… or Whoop, THERE it is.

  • 38. Andi  |  February 4th, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    OMG – love! CAn’t wait to check out the others, what a fun idea!

  • 39. Mama Kat I am the sunset.&hellip  |  February 7th, 2013 at 6:31 am

    [...] it mean to you now? 2.) 10 reasons you should be glad I didn’t blog in my 20′s. (Inspired by Wendy Aarons and friends) 3.) If you had to select a color to pick your personality what would it be? (inspired by Jamie [...]

  • 40. 10 reasons you should be &hellip  |  February 7th, 2013 at 9:30 am

    [...] it mean to you now? 2.) 10 reasons you should be glad I didn’t blog in my 20′s. (Inspired by Wendy Aarons and friends) 3.) If you had to select a color to pick your personality what would it be? (inspired by Jamie [...]

  • 41. Writer’s Workshop &&hellip  |  February 7th, 2013 at 11:01 am

    [...] to you now? 2.) 10 reasons you should be glad I didn’t blog in my 20′s. (Inspired by Wendy Aarons and friends) 3.) If you had to select a color to pick your personality what would it be? (inspired by Jamie [...]

  • 42. Gretchen  |  February 7th, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    I absolutely adore your Scully look. And PLEASE tell me that you have a screener copy of The Adventures of the Smoky Peach Pot Man that you can lend me. I swear I’ll send it back when I’m finished.

    I have just done my own 10 Reasons list, but don’t blame me for ripping off your idea, it was Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop who ripped you off. I like to think it is an homage. And Mama Kat did, in fact, give you the credit.

  • 43. I’m Jumping on the &hellip  |  February 9th, 2013 at 8:16 am

    [...] Wendi Aarons [...]


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