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My 2013 New Year’s Resolutions

December 29th, 2012

This year I will drink more and exercise less because I’m afraid of looking just too damn good for my age.

This year I will start telling people my age is “a spunky 71.”

This year I will brag that I’m on the Mesozoic Diet instead of the Paleo Diet because it’s more reptile-based. Then I’ll add, “Just kidding! I’m actually quite lizard-intolerant.”

This year I will ask the masseuse before every massage if she has issues with prehensile tails so it doesn’t get awkward later.

This year I will post pictures of every meal I eat with the caption, “IT SURE LOOKED BETTER GOING DOWN THAN IT DID COMING UP!!!!! LOL!!! #foodie”

This year I will start a mom-entuous momciting momventure where I sell mompants to momstumers and momticians. Possible name: Momification!

This year I will finally apologize to my neighbor for chanting, “Shake yo moneymaker!” when she walked by me at the pool. Even though both of the lifeguards and the pervy HOA president all agreed that her ass looked like a coin purse full of half-dollars and instant mashed potatoes.

This year I will also finally apologize to the PTO for bursting into their meeting and yelling, “Whoa! Is this a rodeo clown convention?” then pretending to ride a sexy bucking bronco. I see now that my actions were inappropriate and therefore humbly request to be taken off the Carnival Trash Removal committee, okay President Taffy? Is that good enough for you? Is that the pound of flesh you need? Jeezus.

This year I will no longer spend tons of money at the salon and instead make my hair blonde with a yellow highlighter pen from Office Max.

This year I will also save money by making my own false eyelashes out of rubber cement and broom parts.

This year I will attempt at-home-liposuction with a Dyson vacuum cleaner, a ferret and a bottle of Wesson 100% natural canola cooking oil.

This year I will obviously gain enough knowledge to self-publish a book called, “DIY Beauty: Not Just For the Incarcerated!”

This year I will finally find out if my stove is gas or electric. Hahaha! Just kidding. I think it’s wind-powered or something how the hell should I know.

This year I will only look at myself naked in the full-length mirror if I’m wearing beer goggles and/or a CIA hood.

This year I will finally tell our mail lady that I am not Mrs. Rodriguez and to stop giving me Mrs. Rodriguez’s mail. Unless, of course, it’s Mrs. Rodriguez’s pharmaceutical refills.

This year I will join a bible study group, then show up holding a copy of US Magazine and say, “What? It’s my bible, girlfriends! Now, who wants to hear Rachel Zoe’s Ten Commandments of Fur Vests!? Number One: Thou Shalt Not Wear Nutria.”

This year I will ask my Spin class teacher to play Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls during class, then I’ll point to the snotty woman who sits in the back talking and chomping on gum and mouth, “They singin’ bout YOU, Hambone.”

This year I’ll sign up for the neighborhood watch committee, but only if they agree to call me “Cagney” and my cat “Lacey” and let me carry a concealed frypan and give all the perps body cavity searches.

This year I will go up to people in the airport who are carrying their own pillows and ask them if they’re going to sleep with the pilot.

And finally, this year I will petition to have the meaning of the acronym “PMS” changed to “PLEASE MOVE, STUPID.” I think we all know why.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

 

 

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31 Comments

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  • 1. Lisa Rae @ smacksy  |  December 29th, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Every resolution list should include the words, “CIA Hood.”

  • 2. Cait  |  December 29th, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Every resolution list should include the words “body cavity searches.”

  • 3. Leigh Ann  |  December 29th, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    I can’t wait to see the yellow highlighter highlights.

  • 4. tracy@sellabitmum  |  December 29th, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Happy New Year! I used a pink marker for highlights this year..that is so 2012.

    xoxo

  • 5. Stephanie  |  December 29th, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    I was totally going to do something about that Paleo thing myself. I still might. Knowing me, I’m lizard intolerant, anyway.

  • 6. Mindy  |  December 29th, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    Hilarious. I almost snorted wine out my nose a few times and that’s sayin’ somethin’.

  • 7. Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli)  |  December 29th, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    These were my kinds of resolutions!

    My favorite: This year I will join a bible study group, then show up holding a copy of US Magazine and say, “What? It’s my bible, girlfriends! Now, who wants to hear Rachel Zoe’s Ten Commandments of Fur Vests!? Number One: Thou Shalt Not Wear Nutria!”

    Mine: Thou shalt not hate the Kardashians. They can’t help being vapid idiots.

  • 8. Lane Aldridge  |  December 30th, 2012 at 1:42 am

    You are one weird woman! And I feel total admiration!

  • 9. Erin@MommyontheSpot  |  December 30th, 2012 at 8:53 am

    I will join you in your bible study. I may bring an issue of In Touch Weekly to compliment your Us Weekly.

  • 10. Ann  |  December 30th, 2012 at 9:31 am

    This year I will start a mom-entuous momciting momventure where I sell mompants to momstumers and momticians. Possible name: Momification!

    Touche.

  • 11. jane  |  December 30th, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    I’ll join you in the more drinking and less exercising goal. As a matter of fact, I’ve already started.

  • 12. Roundup: Top 10 Best of t&hellip  |  December 30th, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    [...] Wendi Aarons writes her list of New Year’s resolutions for 2013. I don’t know about you but I’m still working on mine. Here’s one of hers: This [...]

  • 13. Tracy Beckerman  |  December 31st, 2012 at 7:33 am

    every one is a gem!! Hilarious!!

  • 14. Arnebya  |  December 31st, 2012 at 8:24 am

    You are so going to rock 2013. Jealousy: I has it.

    I’m not doing shit. Winner.

  • 15. Becky  |  December 31st, 2012 at 8:57 am

    I am printing this list and putting it on my frig. To be reminded of all the crap I could be improving in my life.

  • 16. Anne  |  December 31st, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Good lord, I love you, woman.

  • 17. Roxanne  |  December 31st, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I just found my resolutions for 2013. Thanks for the help. Happy New Year!

  • 18. Nichole  |  December 31st, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Great list, my friend. I’ll be giggling all day.

    Please let me know how that at-home lipo goes. It sounds like a solid plan.

  • 19. Cathy The Frazzled Mom  |  December 31st, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Love the “I see now that my actions were inappropriate..” You are always hilarious. Yes, jealousy. I has it too. You make being funny seem SO easy!

  • 20. Suzy  |  December 31st, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    This was hilarious. Truly one of your best posts ever. EVER!

  • 21. Kat  |  December 31st, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    I carry my own pillow on trips.

    And the answer is yes.

  • 22. Andi  |  December 31st, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    A list I can get on board with! Happy New Year and may all your resolutions come true – it will make for great stories!

  • 23. dusty earth mother  |  December 31st, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Prehensile tails. Heh heh heh heh heh.

    Happy New Year, lovely!

  • 24. MommyTime  |  January 1st, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Happy New Year! And thanks for the inspiration. I am off to write my own list of lofty goals now too, though I don’t think any will be as ambitious as Momification or homemade highlights.

  • 25. Ellen  |  January 1st, 2013 at 11:55 pm

    Hilarious. But I wouldn’t splurge on the Wesson for the liposuction. The store brand will do!

  • 26. Jen @ Cuddles and Chaos  |  January 2nd, 2013 at 7:47 am

    I agree with Lisa Rae. CIA hood FOR THE WIN!

  • 27. Nancy Davis Kho  |  January 2nd, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    The stove resolution was strangely comforting to me. So I’m not the only one. It gets hot and cooks your food, what else do you want from me? An understanding of energy circuits and fossil fuels? Keee-ripes.

  • 28. suburbancorrespondent  |  January 2nd, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    My resolution is to keep my mouth shut the next 100 times someone recommends a gluten-free diet to me for any and all health problems. Although maybe going gluten-free would help with the lizard intolerance?

  • 29. Alexandra  |  January 3rd, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Oh, if this is how you’re going to treat us this new year, I’m all set.

    So funny.

    My favorite: your opening line, “This year I will drink more and exercise less because I’m afraid of looking just too damn good for my age.”

    So happy to know you, you make me laugh, and I need to get serious, and thank you.

    xo

  • 30. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac  |  January 3rd, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Oh Cagney, you kill me.

  • 31. Daily Awesome – 1/1&hellip  |  January 16th, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    [...] Click here to read the rest… [...]


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