Wendi Aaarons
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Looks Like I Made It

by Wendi // December 11, 2012

Okay, I know you just got here and just started reading this post, but I have to ask you to do something really important before you continue. Please, take a few seconds right now to Google the word “Fanilow.” It’s okay. Go on and do it. I’ll wait.

Are you back? Did you see it?

Did you see THIS!?

Yeah, that’s right fools—out of THE ENTIRE INTERNET, I’m the second thing that comes up when you search for “Fanilow.” Needless to say, I am very, very proud of this. It’s an even bigger feather in my cap than the “Big Boobs/Birdy Legs” award I won at Gamma Phi Beta’s Negative Body Image Night in 1990. Huzzah!

Of course, there are still a few haters out there, namely my husband. He just walked away mumbling something about “reevaluating his options” when I told him the big news. Whatever. See if I let him use my special Manilow pen and notepad ever again.

But do you know what this new, important status means? It means that I could totally strut around like a boss at the Manilow concert I went to in San Jose last Thursday night. I knew nobody else in the audience had a higher internet ranking than me. Of course, nobody else in the audience had mobility without the assistance of a motorized wheelchair or hair that wasn’t held onto their heads with an elaborate rope and pulley system, but that didn’t matter. I was certain that Barry would call me up on stage.

The lights dim as Mr. Manilow, resplendent in the pink sequined jacket with massive shoulder pads that Carol Channing apparently left him in her will, perches on a gold painted stool and purrs, “Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together as I now share a special spotlight dance with Google’s number two Fanilow search result, Wendi Aarons! Where you ats, baby? Where you and your dress cut downa there ats?”

 

Well, okay, so that shit didn’t happen. And Barry doesn’t talk like Cedric the Entertainer.

But despite my very enthusiastic and loud wailing of “Even Now” and all of the seductive herky jerky Gangnam-style moves I did to “Ready To Take a Chance Again,” Mr. Barry pretty much ignored me. Which I guess is understandable because he did seem a little winded from his multiple sparkly blazer changes. Plus I think his new hip was giving him trouble because his “Copacabana” pelvic thrusts weren’t as hot as usual. (Which didn’t stop the crazy menopausal crowd from losing their minds each time he did the ol’ Manilow bump ‘n grind. Or from screaming “Whoooooo!” after he sang the line “When can…I touch you?” during “Weekend In New England.”) (Hussies.)

My companions at the concert were Nancy Davis Kho (who wrote an excellent and hilarious review of the concert here that you need to read) and her lovely Manilow-loving friend Tiffany. Nancy has what is commonly referred to as “good” musical taste and had just seen that flash-in-the pan Bruce Springsteen three days earlier. The Manilow concert was just going to be a humorous chapter for her Midlife Mixtape book—nothing more. Here we are before the magic started in our twinsy jackets (please note the Barry Manilow International Fan Club pin on my lapel):

But after 90 minutes of singing, dancing and our own personal kick-line to “Can’t Smile Without You,” I’m pretty sure Nancy became a Manilow convert. “There’s no way you can embarrass yourself in this crowd!” she yelled in my ear as we watched a couple have a religious experience while genuflecting to Barry’s spraytanned face on the Jumbotron. “You can make a total ass of yourself and it’s okay!”

“I know!” I yelled back while shoving two glowsticks in my bra and dirty dancing to “Mandy” with an uncooperative female usher. “Isn’t it THE BEST!?” Then I apologized if my very loud singing in her ear was kind of off-key.

“KIND OF?” was Nancy’s reply, but I think she was just jealous that my singing voice has the beautifully unique sound of Bob Dylan after a tracheotomy.

Then, as we watched a glum mother/son duo wearing tutus over their jeans shake their hips and a threesome of painted-up women in cheap cocktail dresses and tiaras scream, “WE LUF YOU BARE-REE!” I finally told her the special, highly coveted Fanilow secret: No matter what, no matter where, no matter when, you’ll always be the youngest, hottest person at a Manilow concert.

Once the confetti cannon had blasted the crowd, the house lights had come up and most of the fans had zoomed their wheelchairs out of the building and into their waiting conversion vans, she found this out for herself. Trudging up the stairs to the arena’s exit, we passed a rough-trade Fanilow—dressed in painter’s pants and her newly purchased concert T, and sprawled over 3-4 seats while slurping on a giant soda—who suddenly became transfixed by Nancy. She smoothly gave my friend a long, approving look all up and down, then grinned and slowly drawled, “Hey, there. Look at you bein’ all classy!”

“Why, thank you!” Nancy responded, half flattered, half hoping she could outrun her admirer if it became necessary. Then she whispered, “Oh, my God! Did I just get hit on?” as we quickly pushed our way past a gaggle of bedazzled grandmas.

“Yes,” I told her. “You sure did. And I’d bet a million dollars that you didn’t get hit on at the Springsteen concert, did you? You made it through the rain, baby. You made it through the damn rain.”

So from all of us, thank you for a great night, Barry. It was truly wonderful.

Much love,

Your #2 Fanilow Search Result, Wendi Aarons

Be sure to read Nancy’s review of the show here.

 

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Comments

  1. tracy@sellabitmum says:
    December 11, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    See, now I don’t feel one bit embarrassed about the hoops I jumped through today to get Taylor Swift concert tickets or about the 85 times I tweeted her.

    Bless your heart.

    xoxo

  2. Suzy says:
    December 11, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    THIS IS A VERY DISTURBING POST.

  3. Lucky Lottie Lou says:
    December 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Wendi. I just so absolutely love you. How could I not?

  4. Cait says:
    December 11, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    I have sadly never been to a Manilow concert. It’s on my bucket list, though, and I think I need you to go with me when I do!

  5. Nancy Davis Kho says:
    December 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    What can I say? It lived up to everything you promised me, and more. More being the way you knew the word to every single song…EVERY SINGLE SONG…including the Christmas ones. The way that you danced like you were being tasered, while shaking your glowstick. And especially the way that you said, at the end of the night, “Now he’ll go backstage, change his blazer, come back and play Mandy and Copa!” and he did exactly that.

    No one deserves to be #2 more than you. No one.

  6. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac says:
    December 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    You should totally start a side business as a Manilow concert escort.

    Get yourself a conversion van and a bedazzler and you’re set. Big bucks, baby!

  7. suburbancorrespondent says:
    December 11, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Madly jealous of your Fanilow Google status. Also, thanks for all the earworms. Heading over to ITunes now…

  8. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him says:
    December 11, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    I just keep laughing at ‘resplendent’

  9. Mary Brown says:
    December 11, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Wendi, I can’t believe that Barry did not call you up onto the stage. Obviously, you and Nancy were the most beautiful women there. Hmm, maybe that’s why. He didn’t want to make the rest of the audience feel bad. Love the review!

  10. Wendy says:
    December 11, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    I had no idea what a fanilow was until this post and. I feel completely schooled (and entertained) now.

  11. Alexandra says:
    December 11, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    I loved Nancy’s review, so many funny lines in there.

    And I know how we can make you No.l google Fanilow search. Don’t settle for no. 2, Wendi.

    If we all type in Fanilow+WendiAarons over and over, we’ll get you there.

    I have an hour before I have to be in bed.

    Gotta go get busy.

  12. lisabella says:
    December 12, 2012 at 2:24 am

    tracy@sellabitmum, I’m sorry, but no. No, no, no. Taylor Swift, dater of teenage boys, cannot even be mentioned in the same post as Manilow. Manilow is a true musician and a class act. Despite the humor of this post, which I thoroughly enjoyed, Manilow is a class act. The same cannot be said of TS. I guarantee she will not be selling out venues around the world in 30-some years. No one will even remember her.

    I’ve seen Manilow perform at least a dozen times, and he is amazing, he gives 200% at every show. There’s a reason we all keep going back for more.

  13. Ri says:
    December 12, 2012 at 3:44 am

    Wow, you’re No. 4 on Google South Africa 🙂

  14. Cheryl says:
    December 12, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Holy shit, your adventures as a Fanilow just keep getting better and better.

  15. The mama bird diaries says:
    December 12, 2012 at 6:32 am

    I would totally judge you if I hadn’t been googling One Direction tickets just the other day.

  16. Invader_Stu says:
    December 12, 2012 at 7:40 am

    You’ve made it big but please don’t forget the little people.

  17. Becky Rice says:
    December 12, 2012 at 9:00 am

    You should sell those glow sticks on eBay. I hear Fanilow memorobilia can really bring in the Benjamins. What’s your husband got to say about that?

  18. Theresa says:
    December 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Painter pants…ha! Haven’t thought about those since the 11th grade…how I miss them. Do you think they’re making a come-back?

  19. dusty earth mother says:
    December 12, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    I had such an emotional reaction to the mention of “Weekend in New England” that I think I must have a buried memory of it. I’ll let you know when it comes to me. But in the meantime–BABE! You beat out Will and Grace AND Wikipedia! “Undiscovered”, my Aunt Fanny!

  20. Alan S. Pastonson says:
    December 12, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    I’ve been posting for years
    I put the happy and the period together
    And wrote an excellent viral
    I am humor
    And I write the posts

    I write the posts that make the whole world smile
    I write the posts of dirty dancing in the aisle
    I wave the sticks that make my fanny glow
    I am and will forever be, a true Fanilow.

    I am inspired and I write the posts.

    We luvs ya Wendi!

  21. Tara says:
    December 12, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    My very first concert was Barry Manilow! 1978, Bismarck, North Dakota with my best friend (at the time) Steph Kvernum! The smell of pot was thick…oh no wait, that was the Styx concert. Anywho…I Can’t Smile Without You, Wendy.

    xoxo-

    Your North Dakota Sister!
    Tara

  22. Ann says:
    December 13, 2012 at 11:30 am

    So. Funny.

  23. anna see says:
    December 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    considering how seldom i feel young and hot these days, i think i might need to find a suitable blazer and hitch a ride to the copa cabana stat.

  24. Concert Review: Barry Manilow :: Midlife Mixtape says:
    June 24, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    […] 12/11/12: Wendi’s now posted her own impressions of the show here, including her glowstick-fueled dirty dancing with the uncooperative female usher. Don’t miss […]

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