PRESENTING: THE BEST HOLIDAY LETTER EVER! WITH YOUR SENTENCES!
DEAR FRIENDS AND FAMILY:
Holy shit, we had a good f***ing year.
We first want to thank everyone who reached out with support after last year’s letter, and we’re delighted to report that Cindy’s vaginal dryness has indeed improved and that the coworker who was causing all that trouble for Jim has died. Hooray!!!
Also, Jim got another 30-day chip from his AA group!! And, after 9 weeks on short-term disability, he’s now back at the Hostess Plant after his serious injury installing the “exercise poles” in our bedroom – God love him! Jim’s been working a lot of nights again, but we’re so proud of his rapport with his staff. To quote a little note I found in his shirt pocket one day (he’s so modest about these things) Bubbles and Tiffany just love “working” for him and appreciate all the good “tips” he provides. What a guy!
Our chests are also bursting with pride at Jim being chosen the American Bonsai’s Society winner of the New Talent Award! We are all grateful to his teaching master and mentor, Dave Roth, for Jim’s learning experience because true bonsai care can only be developed with a hands-on recognized teacher. It is the only way to learn! Then, thanks to Jim’s attempt to burn the tree leaves this fall, we got to see the local fire department in action! (We’ll have a new shed this spring to replace the old one that burned so quickly.)
Now onto those Krazy Schmuckler Kidz!
Little Olivia is now 5! Her figure skating, swimming, Irish dance, singing lessons, and karate didn’t leave her any time for preschool or kindergarten (it’s just so hard to tell that sweet face she has to give up something she loves!), but we feel blessed to have found a school for next year that will accommodate her demanding practice schedule while still enabling her to start First grade on time. We can hardly wait to add some academic medals to her already-overflowing collection!
Of course, along with her school studies, ballet classes and weekly piano and violin lessons, she continues to make time for her charity work: this year she made flannel blankets for the pet shelter. Suck it, Mother Theresa! (JK)
We are also sooo proud of her for recently being crowned “Little Miss Grand Supreme Best In Show” by the International Texas Roadhouse Association, sponsored by the Waffle House. She wow’d the judges with her dance to a mash-up of Shirley Temple’s “Good Ship Lollipop” and Justin Timberlake’s “Bringing Sexy Back.” She’s finally learned to keep her clothes on in public and we’re hoping her brother Cody will soon follow her example!
We’re happy to report that Olivia has adjusted well to her prosthetic limb, although it is still a struggle to stop her stabbing it repeatedly with forks, knives, anything pointed basically. Ouchie!
Other Olivia highlights of the year include: Her play date with Elmo when Olivia met the peppy Elmo puppeteer at an Occupy Sesame Street Flash mob downtown! And of course we were just tickled that she was invited to play Clara in the New York City Ballet’s presentation of the Nutcracker (but we have to decline since we will be spending the month of December in Brussels where Jim will be receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for his cow manure invention.) (Our son 10 yo Cody won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry, too, FYI.)
Finally, as you undoubtedly ALL heard in the news, our super gifted Olivia penned a provocative memoir based on her first five scintillating years (highlighting the diaper years and preschool pranks) called “Girl” and beat out that amateur Lena Dunham to the New York Times Best Seller List. Now do you know why she’s our favorite?!
Now on to the other two disappointments kids!:
Cody was such the secret weapon on his baseball team that coach held off until the very last out of every game to play him, and at a different position every time—so clutch! However, he was then expelled from the costume swim meet for striking Darth Vader with his life saver and then he caught a chill and had terrible diarrhea thru a hole in his sweater, right before he had a run-in with a neighbor about keeping pet alligators in the detention pond and ended up punching his parole officer. Boys! Whaddya gonna do?
But we are so very proud of Cody right now because he decided he wanted to drop out of school and become the new trapeze artist for the circus. He’s had only 4 broken bones this year!! He was also THE record-busting Star Quarterback of the Junior Indigenous Peoples Football Team, but apparently got smacked in the noggin one too many times, developed an unnatural affection for moon pies, and hasn’t pulled his head out of the garage freezer for five weeks. Brrrrr!
Now onto our oldest daughter! Haley is now 16, and Thank the Good Lord above she hasn’t made us grandparents yet! Just kidding! We are actually very excited to remind you all to catch her on the new season of Teen Mom! Jesus really gave us a miracle this year, getting MTV to pay for all her prenatal care. God knows we can’t count on that deadbeat douchebag who got her pregnant! The funniest part was when Jim and I shouted in unison “Stop humping that!” — and we weren’t yelling at Tinkerbell the dog!
(Olivia also said the cutest thing the other day: She can’t wait to be on Teen Mom, too! We don’t know whether to congratulate her on her ambition to be on TV or send her to a “safe place” away from boys so that she won’t, in fact, make her dream come true! Out of the mouths of babes! ROTFLMAO!)
But Haley’s really been trying to find herself this year. After she was released from the state training school with her new boyfriend, “Melissa”, things pretty much went back to normal. Anyway, the surveillance video clearly showed Haley slipping the sausages into her sleeves.
Then lo and behold, she took up professional dancing! We’ve found where she goes at night for her lessons and we’re hoping her credits at “Jiggle-A-Go-Go” can get her into Juilliard next year. And if that doesn’t work out, Haley’s decided on a future career as a merkin model! We still have to Google what a merkin is, but we’re so happy she’s headed in the right direction! Our sweet Haley sure has the entrepreneurial spirit, what with her ever expanding collection of Red Solo cups which she plans to use in her chain link fence decorating business!
The good news is we just LOVE Haley’s new boyfriend, Kirk, whom she met when she accidentally ran in front of his father’s car while trying to catch up to our dog Tinkerbell during one of her unscheduled exercise runs through the neighborhood. And let me tell you — what happens in Toledo does NOT always stay in Toledo!
Speaking of pets, Spike, our Rottweiler, changed his name to Tinkerbell, as he felt that he could no longer live as a male dog and underwent the transgender process, which, as everyone knows, is very expensive, but Haley loves that dog dearly and got a second after-school job just to afford the hormone shots. At age 14, Tink was still hanging in there and didn’t seem to mind wearing doggie diapers. Sometimes the kids complained about Diaper Duty, but hey, you gotta EARN allowances, right? LOL!!!!
In May, Tinkerbell swallowed the remote and every time he/she barked, the channel changed to PBS.
But then, oops! Someone forgot to get Tinkerbell fixed and now we are the proud owners of eight little Rott-Dachshunds. Thanks a lot, Jim! As if I didn’t have enough to do raising your children! lol lol lol! That’s why we took Tinkerbell for some glamour shots and then to get spayed before the next pageant! (And then our dear Olivia, that cheeky monkey, said, “But Daddy, that’s Squiggy the fish, not Tinkerbell!”)
Then, in what we can only assume was an experiment to better understand life and death, Cody fed Squiggy, our malnourished fish, to Tinkerbell! Squiggy the half-dead fish almost became Squiggy the fully dead fish, but luckily Olivia was about to use her newfound interest in science to fix the problem! Due to Squiggy’s delicate constitution, Olivia grew quite concerned about him as we vacationed in Cabo, and demanded that we FaceTime with Squiggy and his devoted caretaker. Awwwww.
Sadly, Tinkerbell Schmuckler passed away suddenly after meeting our cemented back yard face first from the roof of our two-story home; little Olivia wanted to see Tinkerbell fly! Now she’s begging for a Tinkerbell tattoo just like her big brother’s, but we’ve insisted that she wait until her next birthday before she can have it. RIP TINKERBELL!!!! MAD PROPS!!!
Other Schmuckler highlights:
We had a memorable moment at this year’s annual July 4th Red, White & Blue But Mostly White Barbecue when I brought out the rolled up jam cake I make specially. When I announced, ‘With a name like Schmucklers it has to be good’, our neighbor Clara had a bit of a sangria-fueled ‘episode’, bellowing that I say that year after year, and how tired she is of it, and she wished our house would burn down. If she keeps up the good behavior, she may be out in 2016!
Last winter Cindy found out what “bath salts” are and that gave us a great opportunity to meet our local law enforcement! Lesson learned: Cannibalism — it’s not just for breakfast anymore. When Jim heard about Cindy’s foray into bath salts, he got excited about the possible business opportunity; now he’s on the FBI watch list!
Little Olivia was only left behind at a store once this year. Those young people at Hollister were so nice to look after her again as I had to leave the store before I passed out from the overpowering cologne and loud music. In other news, Haley will now be sporting clothes only from J.Jill!
In September, we were so sorry to see Ingrid, our beloved German exchange student, return home early. We wish her well as she expects the birth of her first child. Yay, babies! But at least it’s given me more time as I prepare to launch my macramé open toe sandal boot line—Hemp ‘n Toes!
Sometimes I sit in a dark room, fantasize about the teenage grocery boy with a raging case of acne and wonder “what if?” Enclosed you’ll find a photo of the family in our matching, light-up footie pajamas!
The Schmucklers took a lot of trips this past year. Like the all-expense-paid vacation we won to Medicine Hat, Alberta for their Tongue on the Post Folk Festival in January! It was unfortunate that Cody told little Olivia that they “made all the posts in town out of candy and that’s why it’s the name of festival.” Luckily the skin grafts took and she has started to talk again!
Then Jim surprised me this year with a Valentine’s gift to remember: A 10-day safari to visit sustainable and organic farming techniques in the Congo! The highlight was the adorable lemurs in tiny tuxedos serving us chocolate covered strawberries (don’t worry – LOL – the chocolate was made from local beans!)
We’ve also celebrated the holidays, Schmuckler Style! (Cindy’s on the mend nicely after that ugly Arbor Day incident and we expect her to get the casts off before our annual Christmas Carol Marathon.) At Easter, we didn’t believe little Olivia when she told us she couldn’t find any Easter eggs in the yard (outside is the only safe place once they’ve gone through the Peeps and the jellybeans) and we told her to look harder because Daddy and Mommy hadn’t quite finished their third mimosa, but it turned out she wasn’t fibbing and we all spent the afternoon dealing with the aftermath of Tinkerbell digesting two dozen hardboiled eggs. P-U!
And if you haven’t already heard (don’t forget to send us your updated email address(es)!), we won the neighborhood Halloween costume contest with our 9-0-2-1-0 number costumes, this year’s homage to the other couple of Jim & Cindy fame – the Walshes of Beverly Hills!
Then at Thanksgiving, Jim and Olivia surprised us all by bringing home a beautiful feral hog for dinner after spending the day hunting on the side of the county highway! Truly, we are blessed.
Finally, as you all know, we like to be on the forefront of social trends, and what with all the new gay marriage laws—let’s just say that Jim is becoming Jill at a speed remarkable even to his doctors! Schwing! Thank goodness we wear the same cup size!
In closing, we wish you the best for the holidays and hope the New Year will bring health, happiness and a greater realization that we humans are destroying the environment.
All Our Love!!! XOXOXXO
The Schmuckler Family
Thank you to Honorary Schmucklers: Abby, Alexandra, Alice, Aloysius, Andrea, Andy, Ann, Barb, Becky, Caitlyn, Camille, Carolyn, Cheryl, Cheryl Dianne, Cindy, Diana, Elizabeth, Ellen, Erin, Gemini, Heather, Hope, Jacklyn, Jaimie, Jim, Joan, Karina, Katherine, Kizz, Kristi, Lauren, Leigh Ann, Linda, Liz, LJDrew, ML, Maureen, Monica, Nancy, Peter, Peyton, Samina, Shari, Sharon, Stuart, Susan, Stephanie, Tammy, Toni, Tracy, TwoBusy, Yvette! Thank you!
And the random winner of the random prize is Hope! Please send me your address and a list of any known allergies and phobias, please.