By now we all know how I feel about companies who slap moronic messages on their products. I’m not a big fan, to say the least. I just don’t understand why they assume that we consumers enjoy unnecessary words put on our purchased items. I’ve never once heard someone say that their life was changed due to something they read on a wrapper. Not even on an M&Ms wrapper, which I myself frequently peruse hoping to see either the words “Proven cellulite reducer” or “May contain 200 proof vodka.” It’s just kind of a dumb thing to do.
That said, you can imagine how displeased I was when I recently noticed that a company I’ve supported for many, many years has now jumped on the Inspirational Sayings bandwagon. The only explanation for why they’re doing this is that they must have a product manager with a God complex, because this particular company is Halls, the cough drop maker.
Specifically, the Triple Soothing Action Honey Lemon Menthol Cough Suppressants that I’ve been using on a daily basis lately due to Austin’s recent “Ragweed Explosion.” (Which, I realize, sounds like one of those alt-country bands that we’re all supposed to go crazy for nowadays, but trust me—this Ragweed Explosion is even more painful than an electric fiddle solo by a guy named “Mingus Deschamps.”) Here’s the bag in question:
Looks medicinal, right? A couple Benadryl tablets, a Breathe-Right nasal strip and one of these sweet yellow babies in my cheek and I almost sound like a normal breather, rather than a rabid Pug with a deviated septum. Therefore, no wonder I was pissed off when one recent night, I stopped blowing my red, raw nose for the fifteenth time in an hour, swiped at my watery, bloodshot eyes and grabbed a cough drop—only to see this bullshit on the wrapper:
Go for what, exactly? The pharmacist’s jugular because he won’t sell me any more Claritin-D due to the fact that I’ve bought so many boxes I’m now on the FBI’s Jr. Meth Cooker watch list? I mean, what the fuck, Halls? Nobody needs to see this crap on their fricking cough drops. Take it from me, if your life is so pathetic that you’re sprawled on the couch sucking on an oral anesthetic so you don’t hack up a lung on your husband, pretty much the last thing you want to read is:
Yeah, that’s right. “Let’s hear your battle cry.” Addressed to some poor bastard who’s shotgunning mentholated cough drops because his voice sounds like a squawking turkey vulture with swollen glands. That one makes absolutely no sense. Here’s my battle cry, Halls: Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Accompanied by my middle finger and an airhorn.
Then there’s this wise, little gem for people who are obviously so weak and sick that they’ve fallen into a gutter on their way to Urgent Care:
Yeah, stupid sick person, stop lazing around with the sewer rats. Have some dignity. And finally, a few more words of lozenge wisdom:
My favorite being “Elicit a few ‘wows’ today.” Like, “Wow, that weezy blonde woman just horked up a loogie the size of San Jose.” Or “Wow, some people really shouldn’t operate heavy machinery when they’re whacked on medicine. Call AAA and tell them there’s a Volvo on my foot.” And when exactly should I “put a little strut in it,” Halls? When I’m trying to seduce my husband with my unwashed hair, overgrown eyebrows and Kmart track suit I’ve slept in for the past week? Would that be a good time to strut? Please LMK.
Now, if I wrote inspirational sayings for cough drops, I’d stay away from the platitudes and instead go with something more helpful, like:
“It’s probably bronchitis!”
“Have you been tested for TB?”
“Holy Shit Your Breath Smells Like Lysol, Bitch.”
I’m pretty sure any or all of those would definitely work. But maybe I should instead just slow down and go with the simple, classic, “Suck It, Halls.”
Yeah. That one already makes me feel a whole lot better.