Last week, after a trip to the frozen yogurt store, Chris, the boys and I found ourselves bumming around our neighborhood Barnes and Noble. While Chris looked at bicycle magazines and the boys busied themselves trying to find yet another new Pokemon book, I dug through the clearance bin hoping to find something good. And after just a few minutes, I did.
“Look what I found!” I crowed as I hustled over to Chris, waving the book in my hand. “Isn’t this hilarious?”
“Make Your Own…Sex Toys? Oh, my God, go put that back,” he muttered, his eyes darting over to a teenage jock inexplicably reading home decorating magazines. “There’s no way I’m standing next to you at the checkout if you’re buying that book.”
“Why not?” I asked, clutching it to my chest. “You know I’m not actually going to MAKE any of these sex toys, I’m just going to laugh at them. But hey, if it makes you feel better, I’ll happily tell the clerk that I’m buying it ironically. Like a hipster. Like those people who have mustaches and wear skinny jeans and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon on purpose. Which, now that I think of it, kind of also describes my dad, only he doesn’t have a knitted beanie and… ”
“Put. It. Back.”
“OK, OK, fine. But just know that the clerk can probably guess by my nice purse and full set of teeth that we really don’t need this DIY sex toy book because we can easily afford to buy all of the factory-made sex toys we want. Did you hear me? All of the factory-made sex toys we want, baby! Bring on the batteries! Bzzzzzzz!”
After that, he didn’t really say much and just inched his way toward the Guns and Ammo section, so I reluctantly put the book back in the clearance bin. But then I found myself thinking about it the whole next week. Like some creepy self-published itch that needed to be scratched. So yesterday, I went back to Barnes and Noble and, miracle of miracles, the book was still sitting in the clearance bin. (And just the fact that I thought there’d be tons of other people also interested in ironically buying it pretty much explains why I don’t have a lot of friends in my neighborhood and never get invited to Megan Thompson’s Glitzy Bitches Bunco night.)
The “Make Your Own Sex Toys” book finally in my hot little hands, I cheerfully made my way to the front of the store to check out, but then—I froze. Because all of a sudden it hit me how humiliating it could be to actually buy this book in the bookstore I’ve frequented for almost 6 years. I mean, after this, the bloom would totally be off the rose. My nickname would go from “The Blonde Dimwit Who Keeps Harassing Us to Play Manilow In the Coffee Shop” to “The Cheap Ass Hornydog.” And that’s a downgrade I certainly wasn’t willing to make at this point in my life.
So after spending some time deep thinking in the teenage vampire section, I re-approached the checkout with an airtight plan. Smiling at the clerk who looked like she’d never even seen a PG movie, I placed a copy of Cat Fancy magazine on the counter, then quietly slid Make Your Own Sex Toys over it. Then before she could get a good look at the title, I quickly swung my arm around and loudly plopped a Children’s Bible on the top of the stack. Total masterstroke, my friends. Seriously, if the CIA was tracking my book purchases, they’d have to call in a mental health specialist to figure that shit out.
To my great relief, it looked like everything was proceeding as planned. The clerk scanned my three items without expression, and I finally let out my breath, knowing I was just seconds away from escaping without embarrassment. Then she told me my total. And the Sex Toys book that had been marked with a $4.95 clearance price? Had rung up at the full $14.95 list price. F-ckity! F-ck! F-ck! That kind of bullshit is exactly why I bought the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy on my Kindle the way good smut is supposed to be bought: in secret and in shame.
Now quietly panicking, I stared stupidly at the sweet faced clerk, debating if it was worth an extra $10 to have her not peg me as a budget conscious pervert. But then I realized I kind of was a budget conscious pervert, so I decided to say something. “Just be cool,” I told myself before opening my mouth. “Simply tell her that she rang up the red book at the wrong price. You’re an adult. You’re a mother of two. You own real estate. You can do this.”
So I put on my best Stepford Wives placid expression, cleared my throat and then I oh so smoothly blurted out, “I’M SORRY MA’AM BUT YOU’RE CHARGING ME TOO MUCH FOR THE DO IT YOURSELF SEX TOYS BOOK THAT I’M JUST BUYING IRONICALLY WHICH YOU PROBABLY KNEW FROM MY NICE PURSE AND FULL SET OF TEETH BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT THE BOOK IS REALLY FUNNY ESPECIALLY THE CROCHETED GIMP MASK ON PAGE 106 THAT I’M DEFINITELY NEVER GOING TO MAKE JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I CAN TOTALLY AFFORD TO BUY MY SEX TOYS FROM A STORE BUT MOSTLY I’M NOT MAKING IT BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CROCHET I MEAN WHO DOES KNOW HOW TO CROCHET SO PLEASE RE-RING IT THANK YOU GOOD-BYE AND ALSO TELL EVERYONE MY NAME IS MEGAN THOMPSON.”
Thank god there’s Amazon.com because that’s pretty much where I’ll be buying my books for the rest of my life.
Lest you think making your own gimp mask is selfish, the book advises you to also “Help the Aged” by “lending it to an elderly relative during the cold winter months.” Now do you see why I couldn’t resist?
Oh, I think your penance for this humiliation needs to be scanning all the projects and sharing them on Twitter.
Your work is not done.
I’ll need a Pinterest board
ironically, natch.
Okay, look, I don’t even know wtf a “gimp mask” would be–no, that’s okay, you don’t have to tell me–but I do know that you don’t even wanna be at any party by that bitch, MT, because any party with a title is just not worth it.
When I got through the first part of this post and you hadn’t bought it, I began to question our friendship. Just so you know.
I don’t know why I’m thinking of this, but maybe…perhaps..you might consider posting a page everyday?…You know, it’s kind of selfish to keep the WHOLE thing to yourself.
What incredible luck! You still have 31 hours before the end of the Craft Whores contest I’m doing with The Suniverse! Is there anything in there you could *whip* up? (Ironically, of course!)
And I’m so proud of you for speaking up! I thought the Cat Fancy/Children’s Bible Sandwich move was BRILLIANT.
I think you were okay, because this is the training schedule for book store cashiers:
1. Cash register 2. Gift wrapping 3. Irony
Please o please post a page a day! I can’t buy stuff like this because my son works at the bookstore and everyone knows me!
I know how to crochet. If you send me that pattern, I’ll make you one for Christmas. Yep. I certainly will.
Is that shit even legal in Texas???
I LOVE Rootietoots comment! Seriously. That could be a problem if your son worked at a book store.
You could have always said you were buying it as an early “White Elephant”.
Next post: The Titty Twister made out of REAL BREAD LOAF TIES!!!
WTF is a gimp mask? I’m too afraid to google that.
And thank you, this reminds me of a story I need to write that about a flashlight. Yeah, google that.
Megan, dah-link. Laughed loudly and with spittle through the entire ALL CAPS section.
Love for you? Cemented.
Oh, come on! Now I need my own copy.
This reminds me of the time when my kids were in elementary school and ended up with head lice, like all the rest of the kids. I had to go to the drugstore to buy lice shampoo and was mortified to be seen buying it. So I bought some coloring books, crayons, and a box of colored condoms to REALLY confuse the clerk, and as I was heading toward the checkout counter, I ran into my boss, who saw all of these items in my basket. I didn’t even bother explaining.
That is so awesome. I want one. So I Googled it (there goes my browser history again), and good old Amazon has them in stock. Woohoo!
http://www.amazon.com/Make-Your-Own-Toys-Do-It-Yourself/dp/0811855813
Isn’t the latest issue of Cat Fancy amazing!
I know how you can get out of ever serving on the PTA again- just suggest a Stitch-n-Bitch night of gimp mask making as a fundraising project. You can offer boxed wine and 50 Shades on audio book as incentive…
This is my first visit to your blog. I don’t get my husband’s support for book purchases either.
So wait, did she re-ring it and give it to you for $4.95?
I once stumbled upon a similar website. (It was the year our garden had a bumper crop of cucumbers. Do the math.)
I still haven’t forgotten what you’re able to build with a three-legged stool and a garbage bag.
I think that sweet-faced clerk rang it up wrong on purpose.
My mom starts to get a bit frenzied around this time of year trying to figure out what to crochet for her 6 kids & bazillion grand & great-grandchildren. Could you send the instructions for that gimp mask STAT? I know she’d appreciate something new.
I really think you have missed the ultimate idea with this book. You should buy another book, one with projects like this one:
http://bowlcutsandchippedteeth.blogspot.com/2011/06/its-official.html
Then carefully remove the gimp mask instructions and insert it inside the book with the crochet toilet paper covers. Then remove the toilet paper cover instructions and put them in the sex toy book. Take both books back to the bookstore, then put hidden surveillance cameras in place and wait for hilarity to ensue!
Of course, this sounds like way too much expense for the budget-conscious perv. Forget I said anything.
My birthday is in a couple of months. Would you please crochet a gimp mask for me. Puh-leeeese!
Please donate the book to your local senior center when you’re done playing with it (ironically of course). I’ve been visiting my parents in a senior community for the past week and these people need to be reminded how to have fun and torment their children in new ways.
Because OF COURSE “the Aged” do extremely well on icy sidewalks or braving wintery blasts of wind that could knock them over on their impossibly thin ankles while wearing masks without eye-holes.
LOL! You must share some other items from the book because the curiosity is killing me! The Gimp Mask is awesome. I totally would have bought it too. -Annie
I scared my dog laughing so loud, so that’s on your head. And is crocheting going to be the new crafting craze now? Because I can’t keep up.
You send that gimp mask pattern over ASAP – I’ve got a a special government official on my Christmas list and that is just gift I’ve been looking for.
OMG.
The mileage in that book.
Posts, posts, posts, tweets, pinterest, FB.
SO MUCH FODDER.
I’d go for it too, but only if I were with back up.
Too scared to buy it alone, lest they think I was “seeryus” about the purchase.
Not that I look like I need sex toys.
Bought of ho-made (couldn’t resist)
Looks like there’ll be a new “Wendy Made” shop on Etsy!
Finally I can figure out why I can’t get the propellers to move on my home-made pasties.
Megan Thompson’s Glitzy Bitches Bunco nights are awesome. I always wonder where you are.
This needs to be a weekly series wherein you give us the rundown of a page or two. Or is that illegal?
I could not stop laughing. This is just brilliant. I hate to think what else is in the book. IT does not really sound… hygienic.
Nothing puts me in the mood like a gimp mask. Scratch that. Nothing puts me in the mood like MAKING my own gimp mask.
Jesus, woman. Good one.
[…] has a crocheted uterus on the front page of her blog, but also because she has a post called THE BUDGET-CONSCIOUS PERVERTwhich pretty much made me pee my pants. Three words: crocheted gimp mask. Oh, […]