However, it’s at this point in the trip that the blonde navigator became very confused because it seemed to her like the family truckster was crisscrossing between Arizona, Utah and New Mexico in a somewhat willy nilly fashion. The blonde navigator’s husband told her that this wasn’t actually the case and she was merely confused because she had spilled Handi-Snack cheese product all over the map and also, she’s really bad at directions and once got lost in the fruit and vegetable refrigerator at Costco. But between us, I’m pretty sure we were passing through a lot of states in no particular order.
Kid got in trouble on road trip, so we took away his video game. Now we have to listen to kid’s “original joke stylings” for 5+ hours.
Kid’s joke: “What do you call a canyon with a penis? A manyon!”
The unhappy comedian.
And by the way, Hollywood, I’m totally willing to sell you “Manyon” to use as the title for a Magic Mike sequel. Picture it: the male strippers are shirtless wilderness guides who fight off Grand Canyon snakes and nuclear terrorists armed with nothing but pluck—and turquoise G-strings! Have your girl call my girl.
Four Corners Monument
It was blindingly bright and hot as hell at this spot, but at least I was able to enjoy a bit of Native American fry bread while I sweated my ass off and the kids screamed, “I’M IN COLORADO! NOW I’M IN NEW MEXICO! NOW I’M IN ARIZONA! NOW I’M IN UTAH! Uh-oh, Mommy. A bird just pooped on Arizona.” Next up:
Santa Fe, NM
SF was as gorgeous as ever and I bought way too much turquoise jewelry. (But not a turquoise G-string!) (That’s what’s known as a “call back” by comedy stylists.) After Santa Fe, we then moved on to:
Not Santa Fe, New Mexico
We’re driving past Billy the Kid’s grave right now. Based on the local radio stations, I think he died from f-in boredom.
Clovis, NM: “America’s Abandoned Quonset Hut Wonderland!”
Billboard in NM: “Have you lost Harmony? Energy? Sleep? You might have TB! Call 1-800-xxx-xxxx!”
New game show idea inspired by driving through the back roads of New Mexico: “How Many People Can You Fit in a Truck?” (HMPCYFIAT)
Finally, after hours of passing nothing but scrub brush and homemade anti-Obama posters (“TRAYTOR!”), we saw a dilapidated sign beckoning to us from a condemned-looking building perched on a deserted highway overpass. What’s a summer road trip without a visit to:
Unfortunately, the glory days of this particular Stuckey’s were WAY WAY over, evidenced by the three-legged dogs and toothless men circling the parking lot. (And when I picked up a dusty, petrified Stuckey’s pecan log, I knew why they were toothless.)
This New Mexico Stuckey’s earned my dubious Grodiest Gas Station Bathroom Ever award, mostly because of the dirty mop buckets and crickets in the stalls and the bank of pay phones that were so old and neglected, they sprouted vegetation. Blech.
But at least we were treated to this bit of wow as we left the state:
My roadtrip fatigued husband is now answering any and all questions with, “I’LL TAKE PAUL LYNDE TO BLOCK.”
Husband, for 3 solid hours: “Soybeans? Onions? Barley? What kind of crop is that?” DEVELOP AN APP & SAVE MY MARRIAGE, FARMERS.
Just passed through Muleshoe, Lariat and Ropesville, TX. Apparently cowboys only named towns after what was in their hand at that moment.
Oil that is. Black gold. Texas Tea.
Abilene, TX to Austin, TX
(There are no pictures of this leg. Grab a handful of dirt, throw it in your eyes and spin around three times fast and you’ll get the gist.)
Sitting in our Abilene, TX hotel watching a local news story about Abilene, TX hotel bed bugs. Synergy!
Me: “Why do so many people in this town have dilapidated boats in their yards?” Husband: “This part of Texas used to be a vast inland sea.”
We’re so bored that we’re creating cow personal ads. “Single black bull seeks fit heifer for cud chewing & more! No fatties. Big teats a plus.”
Ending road trip with a Hall & Oates sing-a-long. And once again, husband is making me do the f–in Oates part.
And 20 minutes after that last tweet, we finally pulled back into our driveway. We were home at last and ready to enjoy the remainder of our summer in Austin. And by “enjoy,” I mean sit on the couch and not talk to each other until Christmas.
THE END THANK GOD
I actually wrote something non-road trip related over at AlphaMom. It’s about how school is starting next week and it’s making me a little sad. (Yes, really.)