Live! Nude! Moms?

August 29th, 2012

A couple of days ago, I was on the Dish Network’s website so I could order a Pay-Per-View movie to watch with the kids. And by “watch,” I mean “pretend to pay attention to while I actually hide under a blanket, chug wine and play Words With Friends on my iPhone.” Seriously, I don’t have enough strength to sit through even one more movie about wisecracking animals. Stop it, Disney.

Anyway, after looking at the regular movies on their website, I noticed that Dish also has a “NUDE EVENTS” section. So of course I immediately clicked on it because I wanted to see if these Nude Events were things I might enjoy, like pantless weddings or topless bar mitzvahs. Or maybe, even better, I’d discover that they were Nude Olympic Events. Because like everyone else on this planet, I’ve always wanted to see naked pole vaulting.

But guess what? No naked pole vaulting found. In fact, the Nude Events weren’t actually events at all. No, just soft core porn movies made for people with $9.99, a remote control and a wife visiting her parents for the weekend. And that’s fine with me; I certainly don’t have a problem with boobie movies. But here’s the weird thing—almost all of these movies were about moms. Yep, apparently we moms are the hottest new thing in skin flix. But apparently none of us know this because we’re all way too busy fighting the Mommy Wars and making holiday crafts with dried branches and gourds.

Therefore, allow me to present to you the actual Nude Event titles, and their descriptions, that I found on the Dish Network website:

GREASED UP MILFS: Naughty and nasty knockout MILFs get lubed up and ready for some non-stop oiled up sexy action!!

Question: What are these moms using to get lubed up? McNuggets? If so, they may want to switch to canola oil, which is by far the healthier choice for moms.

DIRTY MOMS WILD BOOTY: Booty slappin’ goodness awaits you as these dirty moms go face down and butts up. Their booty is all yours. What you gonna do?

Question: I don’t know what I’m gonna do, actually. Call a women’s shelter?

HOT BODY HORNY HOUSEWIVES EXPOSED: Hot housewives, ultra horny and ready to get naked, release some of their pent up sexual tension just for you!

Question: Can’t they just release that pent up sexual tension in a normal way like the rest of us do? By Swiffering?

MY MOM’S A COUGAR!: Cougars need loving too and these horny ladies are on the prowl! When the guys are away, these cougars know how to play!

Question: I don’t have a question.

BISEXUAL MOMS AND DAUGHTERS: Moms who swing both ways and teach their daughters how to please a man and a woman! These women need it ALL!

Question: Don’t these women watch the news? Women can’t have it all. Also, I think social services should probably be alerted.

There’s also a nude event called “Hot & Horny Yoga Babes” where “horny girls twist their tight, hot, bodies into sexy positions.” Which I might actually want to see because I’m pretty sure if I did a naked downward dog, I wouldn’t look sexy at all. I’d look like Golem from The Lord of the Rings and probably need a burly paramedic to get me back to the standing position.

But I guess we moms should all be thrilled that we’re now the stuff of fantasies. I for one will have big peace of mind the next time the 25-year-old grocery store bagger calls me “ma’am” and asks me if I need help carrying my one bag out to my car because he assumes I have brittle bones and cataracts. Which, now that I think about it, sounds like a really great nude event. “MILFS and BAGGERS.” I’d watch that.

Especially if there was pole vaulting.

This charming onesie is available on etsy.

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized


Add your own

  • 1. suburbancorrespondent  |  August 29th, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Does this mean that all those male cashiers who (VERY MISTAKENLY) give me a senior’s citizen discount are actually making a pass at me? Maybe I look like I am on the prowl, buying all those on-sale Greek yogurts at Harris Teeter to assuage my pent-up sexual tension.

  • 2. Knittergran  |  August 29th, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Wow! This is really off-topic, but how are the two cats doing? Has either tried to kill the other? I’ve found a second cat (which is still being fostered by the vet) but will be out of town for a week, so no decision yet. Her name is Apricot (she’s gray and white, so don’t ask me) but I’m still worried about the effect on dominant male Baxter (who bit Mrs. G. while she was here-yikes!)
    Love the onsie, sort of.

  • 3. Lisa Rae @ smacksy  |  August 29th, 2012 at 8:47 am

    So glad they’ve finally come up with a retirement plan for the Golden Girls Gone Wild.

  • 4. WebSavvyMom  |  August 29th, 2012 at 9:04 am

    –>In college, I worked at the cable company as a customer service rep. On the weekends, nasty guys would call up for me to read off the titles of the adult movies. It wasn’t until I had read off Edward Penis-Hands that I realized they were getting their JOLLIES.



    These guys would order a SPICE channel movie and then call five minutes later to cancel it because they had gotten their JOLLIES.


    Now, is it your turn or mine on WWF?

  • 5. Kizz  |  August 29th, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Naked pole vaulting is probably by definition hard core porn. Either that or high comedy.

  • 6. Jan  |  August 29th, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    I’m gobsmacked at the onesie. How Oedipal! Who would buy that for their child? Wouldn’t they worry about their child gouging their own eyes out at some point? You see, THIS is what a good liberal arts education gets you! You know too much about life and can’t simply enjoy a little cute onesie for a baby trying to pimp out his mama.

  • 7. Kristen  |  August 29th, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    “I’m pretty sure if I did a naked downward dog, I wouldn’t look sexy at all. I’d look like Golem from The Lord of the Rings and probably need a burly paramedic to get me back to the standing position.”

    I’m blaming you when I burst out laughing during downward dog in yoga class tomorrow. I’m just gonna print up cards with this URL on them and hand them out after savasana.

  • 8. Bitsy  |  August 29th, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Now everyone in the orthodontist’s waiting room is staring at me as I pee my pants laughing. So sexy.

  • 9. Mexmom  |  August 29th, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    At least we know that being a mom is very “in” right now.

  • 10. Sans is probably going to regret...  |  August 29th, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Puts a whole new slant on The Mouthy Housewives.

    Slant. Ha!

  • 11. Cait  |  August 29th, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    I saw a toddler wearing a My Mom’s a MILF tee at the farmers’ market today. The mom looked a bit Gollum-ish…

  • 12. Cheryl  |  August 29th, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    What’s MILF? ::red-faced in NH::

  • 13. When I Blink  |  August 29th, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Good lord, that made me laugh. Naked yoga. I can think of few things I’d less rather see.

  • 14. Erin@MommyontheSpot  |  August 29th, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    I totally agree with swiffering.

  • 15. deborah l quinn  |  August 30th, 2012 at 2:42 am

    That onesie makes me gag and not in a good way. As for mommy porn, hmm. Is it good that moms are hot? does that mean that now there’s even more pressure for me to hoist my boobs up off my stomach, where they are currently resting comfortably?

  • 16. Wendy  |  August 30th, 2012 at 3:01 am

    Who says it’s hard to go back to work as a mom?
    Thank you as always for the education–getting my resume out now…

  • 17. Desperate Dietwives  |  August 30th, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Ahem… I’, Italian: what does MILF stand for? I’m afraid I didn’t get it.

  • 18. Ann  |  August 30th, 2012 at 8:11 am

    New tagline:

    The Roger Ebert of MILF Movies!

  • 19. Yvette  |  August 30th, 2012 at 8:25 am

    What, no hot grannies? Ahead of my time again.

  • 20. julie gardner  |  August 30th, 2012 at 9:08 am

    At least Disney hasn’t made a movie with a wisecracking cougar. Yet.

    But I suppose Pixar’s more likely to bring the horny, anyway, right?

    Toy Story 10: Face Down, Butts Up.

    (Admit it. You might skip Words With Friends out of curiosity.)

  • 21. Nancy Davis Kho  |  August 30th, 2012 at 9:32 am

    Face down and butts up gives me a bad flashback to the diapering years. If no one has made “Bisexuals and Bifocals” about wild and crazy milfs over 45, consider that a creative gift from me and run wid it.

  • 22. Becky  |  August 30th, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I once saw a guy wearing a tee shirt that said “Yeah, I’m married to the MILF”. I have no doubt he’s a DISH (Dickhead Incapable of a Serious Hard-on) subscriber.

  • 23. Poppy  |  August 30th, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Forget this blogging bullshit, apparently I picked the wrong hobby. I have a c-section and an episiotomy scar to show for my 3 brats. Give me a call Joe Frances, I may have home movies.

  • 24. Suburban Snapshots  |  August 31st, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    And my husband didn’t think “MLFWGN” vanity plates were a good idea.

  • 25. ColdBlooded  |  September 1st, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    “Mouthy” Housewives could definitely be the name of a mommy porn. Just sayin.

  • 26. Kate Coveny Hood  |  September 3rd, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Thanks Wendi – this was really informative. I was in need of some ideas for what to do with my time now that all three of my kids will be in school. And here I was thinking I’d just have to get a job at the mall…

  • 27. the mama bird diaries  |  September 3rd, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    is it me or is this a serious money making opportunity for The Mouthy Housewives?

  • 28. Alice Holloway  |  September 3rd, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    I too am in the dark. What’s MILF?! You can use @#$* in the words if you need to. I tried to look it up with bing and I can’t tell you what all came up but none of it defined MILF,

  • 29. Invader_Stu  |  September 10th, 2012 at 5:08 am

    Since I’m going to be becoming a dad in about four weeks I guess my wife will become a milf (to me) technically.

  • 30. Dan  |  September 10th, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    bing isn’t likely to help with this definition. Try MILF = Mom I’d Love To F*, but do check out the Urban Dictionary entry, and browse around while you’re there. Very enlightening site.

    Also very informative and entertaining: Cindy Gallop’s(!) 2009 TED Talk about her experiences as an avowed and unapologetic cougar, and the recent NY Times piece on her latest venture.

    Mouthy Housewives should get a clue about how hot they are!

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