August 29th, 2012
A couple of days ago, I was on the Dish Network’s website so I could order a Pay-Per-View movie to watch with the kids. And by “watch,” I mean “pretend to pay attention to while I actually hide under a blanket, chug wine and play Words With Friends on my iPhone.” Seriously, I don’t have enough strength to sit through even one more movie about wisecracking animals. Stop it, Disney.
Anyway, after looking at the regular movies on their website, I noticed that Dish also has a “NUDE EVENTS” section. So of course I immediately clicked on it because I wanted to see if these Nude Events were things I might enjoy, like pantless weddings or topless bar mitzvahs. Or maybe, even better, I’d discover that they were Nude Olympic Events. Because like everyone else on this planet, I’ve always wanted to see naked pole vaulting.
But guess what? No naked pole vaulting found. In fact, the Nude Events weren’t actually events at all. No, just soft core porn movies made for people with $9.99, a remote control and a wife visiting her parents for the weekend. And that’s fine with me; I certainly don’t have a problem with boobie movies. But here’s the weird thing—almost all of these movies were about moms. Yep, apparently we moms are the hottest new thing in skin flix. But apparently none of us know this because we’re all way too busy fighting the Mommy Wars and making holiday crafts with dried branches and gourds.
Therefore, allow me to present to you the actual Nude Event titles, and their descriptions, that I found on the Dish Network website:
GREASED UP MILFS: Naughty and nasty knockout MILFs get lubed up and ready for some non-stop oiled up sexy action!!
Question: What are these moms using to get lubed up? McNuggets? If so, they may want to switch to canola oil, which is by far the healthier choice for moms.
DIRTY MOMS WILD BOOTY: Booty slappin’ goodness awaits you as these dirty moms go face down and butts up. Their booty is all yours. What you gonna do?
Question: I don’t know what I’m gonna do, actually. Call a women’s shelter?
HOT BODY HORNY HOUSEWIVES EXPOSED: Hot housewives, ultra horny and ready to get naked, release some of their pent up sexual tension just for you!
Question: Can’t they just release that pent up sexual tension in a normal way like the rest of us do? By Swiffering?
MY MOM’S A COUGAR!: Cougars need loving too and these horny ladies are on the prowl! When the guys are away, these cougars know how to play!
Question: I don’t have a question.
BISEXUAL MOMS AND DAUGHTERS: Moms who swing both ways and teach their daughters how to please a man and a woman! These women need it ALL!
Question: Don’t these women watch the news? Women can’t have it all. Also, I think social services should probably be alerted.
There’s also a nude event called “Hot & Horny Yoga Babes” where “horny girls twist their tight, hot, bodies into sexy positions.” Which I might actually want to see because I’m pretty sure if I did a naked downward dog, I wouldn’t look sexy at all. I’d look like Golem from The Lord of the Rings and probably need a burly paramedic to get me back to the standing position.
But I guess we moms should all be thrilled that we’re now the stuff of fantasies. I for one will have big peace of mind the next time the 25-year-old grocery store bagger calls me “ma’am” and asks me if I need help carrying my one bag out to my car because he assumes I have brittle bones and cataracts. Which, now that I think about it, sounds like a really great nude event. “MILFS and BAGGERS.” I’d watch that.
Especially if there was pole vaulting.
This charming onesie is available on etsy.
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