When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
THAT’S RIGHT—SUCK IT, ENGLAND!!! WE’RE DECLARING OUR INDEPENDENCE SO WE CAN ALL GET GREAT DEALS ON FREEDOM CAL KINGS!!!
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
NOT TO MENTION THE PURSUIT OF DISCOUNT DOG FOOD AND 30% OFF TICK PREVENTION!!!
That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.
AND BTW HOW HOT WILL THE “GOVERNED” LOOK IN THESE BUY-ONE-GET ONE PUSH-UP BRAS?! THANK YOU FOR THE MONDO CLEAVAGE, FOUNDING FATHERS!!
That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.
AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO FIND SAFETY AND HAPPINESS THAN BY WATCHING A 24-HOUR MARATHON OF ‘DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER’ USING A TV ANTENNA? DOWN WITH TYRANNY FROM TIME-WARNER CABLE!!!
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And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
But mostly, we Americans mutually pledge our disgust at dust mites who go to the bathroom on our lumpy old mattresses! (Pro tip: When your entire ad hinges on the “Declaration of Independence” concept, maybe show the Declaration of Independence instead of the United States Constitution, you mattress morons.)
Actually, this July 4th, just declare your independence from idiots.