Everyone wants to look younger. Five years, six years, seven years—people will do whatever it takes to shave even a little bit of time off their appearance. And there are certainly plenty of age-defying serums, lotions and creams that will do the trick. Not to mention Botox, Juvaderm and expensive major surgery that can eliminate your wrinkles and make you look “refreshed.”
But what if you’re too noble to try any of that nonsense? And of course by “noble,” I mean “so cheap that you use grocery store circulars as coffee filters”? Yes, friends, what can skinflinty bastards like us do to freshen up our appearance while still being able to afford our calcium supplements? The answer is that we need to stop trying to look years younger and instead try to look decades younger. Oh, yes we can! Presenting:
My 5-Point Plan To Look Like I Did When I Was 12-Years-Old
Step 1: Get a perm! True, the Donna Summer stack perm I had in 1979 left me with lasting psychological damage due to being the only blonde disco queen in rural North Dakota, but honestly. Did anyone even notice my crow’s feet back then? No, they did not! Mostly because they were too busy pushing me into a locker and calling me “Triangle Head Butt Bag,” but that’s beside the point!
The important thing is that my hair took the focus off of every other one of my body parts. Mostly because it was bigger than every other one of my body parts, but again—beside the point! So I’m a comin’ for ya, Toni Home Perm!
(Note: There are no existing photographs of the 12+ months I had the Donna hair. My parents refer to those dark days as “that shitty perm time.”)
(But blonde/grey.)
Step 2: Get a retainer! As any orthodontist will tell you, nothing gives you a more youthful glow than a slimy piece of plastic and metal stuck in your mouth. (And if you’re on budget, simply make one with a fork and an empty margarine container. This is called “DIY.”) But a retainer is a simple, easy and effective way to bring back those easy breezy crooked teeth days when I looked like a premenstrual badger with a perm.
“Are you over 21?” the bouncers will ask when my drooling metal mouth shows up at the club. “Yeth, thir, I thertainly am!” will be my answer. Then I’ll immediately go lose my retainer in the club’s trash can.
Step 3: Put Shaun Cassidy on my chest! Well, not literally because I imagine Shaun’s porked up over the past few years now that he’s no longer hoovering shovels full of 70’s cocaine with Kristy McNichol (unsubstantiated rumor that I read in the May, 1980 issue of Tiger Beat; don’t sue me Shaun). No, what I mean I’m going to start wearing this dynamite t-shirt every day like I did for the entire 7th grade:
Feathered hair perfection wrapped in a satin jacket. Yum!
(Question: does anyone know if they sell these at Chico’s? I have an AARP coupon.)
Step 4: Rock out with my Sony Walkman! Seriously, how youthful will I look with crappy foam headphones covering my ears while I lug around a 10-pound cassette player in my hand? Or, if I want to be even mondo cooler, strapped to my 3″ elasticized rainbow belt with the gold butterfly clasp that I bought from a scab-covered man at the carnival?
“WHAT’S THAT, OFFICER? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER IRENE CARA! OUT HERE ON MY OOOOOOOOWWNN! HEY, WHY YOU CUFFIN’ ME, DUDE?”
Anyone have a spare Electric Light Orchestra cassette for me?
Step 5: Rock my first pair of glasses! Luckily for me, my parents were too kind to donate my old glasses to a third world country (“Those people have suffered quite enough, Wendi”) which means that I can once again wear them with pride. Huzzah! Tell me, who needs a face lift when you can put on gigantic plastic child molester frames and instantly look like a sweet ingenue all over again? Sexy, sexy, sexy times.
“Excuse me, cute girl, are you on your way to study hall?”
“Nope, I’m on my way to a bone density test, hipster!” Viva La Youth!
Does LensCrafters make bifocal lenses this big?
So there you have it, folks. By doing just a few simple things like this, not only will you look younger, you’ll look just like you did when you were a shy, unblemished 12-year-old loser writing fan letters to Robin Gibb in your basement each Saturday night. So suck it, Father Time!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call the fire department because I seem to be stuck in this 1980’s training bra I wrestled myself into. I think it’s starting to cut off my circulation.
Ow.
I had those glasses only I wasn’t 12 and they were a delightful dark tortoiseshell. Probably still have them somewhere. I’ll look and get back to you.
The elastic rainbow belt! Oh, that brought back memories…
Would frosted blue eyeshadow paired with equally frosty pink lipstick also do the trick?
Grab your Dr. Pepper Lipsmackser and spritz on some Love’s Baby Soft and meet me at the mall in front of Foxmoor Casuals. Let’s get this started, Mrs. Aarons!
I’m 23, and I’m already reaching the point where I don’t get carded at bars. I know I have my old retainer around here somewhere…
going up in the attic to find my skidz and flannels!
Ha ha ha ha. I had those frames!!! 😉 Rock it sister.
My perm story in one word: mullet.
There were braces and a Members Only jacket involved, as well. Really, it’s a miracle I was only shoved into one locker.
I hear peg-leg rolled jeans are coming back. Now if I could just find my old headgear…
I had a perm and a mullet. I’ll take my Root Touch-Up over going back to that shit ANY day.
The easiest way to look younger is to simply lie about your age. Just add 5 or 10 (or 20!) years to your age and you’ll hear nothing but ‘You look sooooo young for your age’.
I’m your number 911 fan.
Will I need to make it bigger for Marinka?
Don’t answer that.
The last perm I had was the summer I moved to a new school in high school. My mom convinced me. Social suicide.
I once had a poodle perm, inflicted by my sister. But then another time she cut my hair so short the lecherous “omie” (Afrikaans for “uncle”) shook my hand instead of remora-suckering my face like he did all my cousins, so it balances out.
You’ll always look young: you have that perfect non angular face that won’t show the sharp edges of age.
No worries, Wendi Aarons.
Very instructive as always Erma. And just in time. What is it about 43 when one bad night of sleep or extra glass of wine turns you into the walking dead?
Excuse me, cute girl, are you on your way to study hall?
I can’t stop laughing.
I had frames like that too, but red — a la Sally Jesse Raphael.
And did you really throw the most underappreciated song from Fame in there? Well played.
I actually really like those glasses!
Oh shizzle. You could also use the lenses from those glasses to replace any broken windows on your Pacer.
AUGH! At the end of the seventies, in my Sr. year in high school – I let me mom talk me into getting a perm “so your hair has some body, honey.” FOR MY SENIOR PICTURES.
She took me to a Cosmetology School to get it done…
Even my mom doesn’t have a copy of my senior picture. Two “lots of body” lumps of hair on my head, looked like Mouseketeer ears!
At least nobody would notice the ravages of gravity on the rest of my body!
sorry, but you look great in this photo. aging well, you are.
I had the same frames as well except they were a darker tortoiseshell color. For some reason my hair decided to get curlier the older I got. So, I could skip the perm and just brush my hair while it’s dry to achieve this look. I think it’s because I permed and dyed my hair so much it was afraid I would do it again. So my hair gave up. The good ol’ days of getting Tiger Beat rather than the AAA “Guess What We are Doing Now, Beside Raising Your Rates issue”. AARP is not far behind.
Those most of been the most popular glasses back then. I had a pair just like them except mine were light blue.
The glasses are what clinched your new younger look. But you forgot to accessorize them. They need a tiny gold stick-on “W” to adhere to the lens. I believe that carnival guy is still alive and if you can track him down, he’ll sell you a few.
“Suck it, Father Time!” The new catchphrase that will be sweeping the nation.
You look too good in those glasses! Thanks for the memories! Mork and Mindy did make the rainbow elastic suspenders and belts pretty hip, no? We were sporting a lot of Kliban cat tshirts and those satin caps with wings on them. Olympia, Washington was pretty hot stuff in the 80s.
My perm was killer. It’s so weird that no boys like me the entire time I had it though.
Shaun Cassidy was the first concert I ever went to.
I also rocked that Donna Summer look, but my hair was about an inch shorter, 2-3 inches wider, and (due to some unfortunate choices in hair dye) was apparently this odd orange color.
Good times.
/pops Flock of Seagulls cassette into Walkman and wanders off to see if I still have any of those feathered roach clips
Lucky me, my co-worker still subscribes to that look. And wonders why she is 48 and can’t get a date.
Get a retainer, HA.
I’m doing my part to fight back against aging by developing a really enviable case of adult acne.
Listening to WDAS-FM….I am a little slow reading the blog. It is totally taking away the tension headache I woke up with this morning, Love it! Sometimes it pays to click on blogs from the original (Marinka’s blog) You made my day a whole lot happier.
The kids in BK have been rockin the ’80s awkward glasses for years now, so, in a way, your joke isn’t so off base. Who else but a naive hipster, desperate for attention, wear such unflattering specs? We’ll all be wearing them in a year or two.
Two words: power bangs.
Best ever! Love it