Last Sunday night, Chris and I hired a babysitter and went on a “Date Night.” Which is great fun, but that phrase always makes me cringe just like “Mother’s Day Out” or “Girl’s Night Out” do. I mean, does anyone think Angelina Jolie actually calls going out to dinner with Brad Pitt a “date night”? No, she calls it “escaping our 27 children and being driven by the bodyguard thingy to that food placey where I will drink hot lemon water, fondle my collarbone and listen to the hairy beardy man talk about Haiti.” I don’t know why, but I’ve always found putting little names to women’s activities sort of patronizing.
For example, does anyone ever call a man’s outing to a strip club “Daddy’s Booby Day”? No, they do not. Because that’d be f$%king stupid and also, Daddy usually does that activity in secret. Daddy knows cash don’t leave no paper trail.
That said, you can imagine how thrilled I was on our Date Night when Chris and I sat down at our neighborhood bistro and opened the menus and I saw that they had 25% off of “Mom Drinks.” Yeah, that’s right. “Mom Drinks.” Apparently, we moms have our own category like Kids and Seniors now because we’re special. And also liable to wet our pants and/or smack the hostess in the face with a fistful of soggy cookie.
The menu didn’t specify which “Mom Drinks” they had, and I was too pissy to ask our waitress Calliope for more details on it. Calliope had enough trouble pronouncing “Merlot” without the T. (Bless her lil chicken-fried heart.)
But here’s what I think the “Mom Drinks” menu should include:
The Naughty Nurser: Breast milk, a squirt of Lanisoh and two shots of angry tears.
The MomTaxi: Apple juice, gin, motor oil. Served in a commemorative travel mug that can also be used for pee breaks when you’re at your 5th mothereffin soccer game of the day.
The PTO Volunteer: Vodka with a splash of soul-crushing regret. Warning: May cause drinker to attack anyone in a tennis skirt like a rabid jungle cat.
The Suburban Wanker: A sleeve of Thin Mint cookies crushed up and snorted through a Crazy Straw, followed by a shot of Target’s Merona brand tequila. Lawn clippings for garnish.
The Momtini: A box of white wine mounted on the wall with the spigot fully open. Because our mom hands are too busy changing diapers and Swiffering! LOL! We’re so ridiculous with our lady parts!!
Of course, the restaurant could simply be capitalizing on all of the moms who live nearby who are known to throw a few back from time to time. (Such as moi.) And for that, I can’t really blame them. So the next time we have a “Date Night,” maybe I’ll head over there and order myself a few of their “Mom Drinks.” And if I drink enough of them, my husband might even get lucky and have himself a “Hot Date Night.”
Or, more likely, a “Wife Passed Out In the Laundry Room at 9 p.m. Date Night.” Because the one ingredient that “Mom Drinks” definitely need—is about 100 milligrams of caffeine. Bottoms up, baby.