How much do you want to reveal? If your answer is “less than a married politician when asked what he was doing behind the bushes in the park at midnight,” a one-piece suit is what you need. But if you’re instead the type of person who regularly posts pictures of her toenails on Instagram, get yourself a rockin’ bikini, baby! Who cares if it feels weird to show off your bare stomach? As any Real Housewife can tell you, there’s no such thing as overexposure. Even if it means the losers down at the municipal pool now know you have a Whitesnake tattoo on your coccyx.
Step 3: Don’t Shop Online
While it may be tempting to have a new swimsuit sent right to your door, you must resist the lure of online shopping. You see, recent medical studies have shown that the abject humiliation and self-loathing one feels while standing under the harsh fluorescent lights of a public dressing room is crucial to a woman’s health. Because it is this same humiliation and self-loathing that keeps you safe from harm at the beach. Does an unconfident woman ever jump into the deep end or body surf or swim too far out? No, she does not. She hides her thighs with a beach towel and weeps under the lifeguard stand.
‘Whitesnake tattoo on your coccyx’ – spewed diet soda all over my keyboard. Thanks.
I just bought 2 swim dresses from Lands End. Apparently, I am now just marking off the days until death.
Oh god, I’m laughing too hard to cry. This is why my kids think I hate water.
It’s not Whitesnake. It’s Dokken.
The whole miracle suit thing really needed to be addressed. Your vivid description will definitely help society.
where was this when i went suit shopping last month!!!??
Ever tried to remove a “miracle” suit after a day in the sun? Sweet Jesus, that’s the miracle–if you can roll it down.
Love the line about Madison/Jenna over 30. So true. So true.
Yikees!
I love this.
OMG Madison/Jenna disses my skirtini? The shame!
I get my Cool Whip delivered right to the house.
Where was the cougar joke? With that picture I thought sure there would be a cougar joke. Go back and add one in.
I’m going to wait here with my Cool Whip til you do.
I totally have a skirtini. Madison/Jenna would be all over me. Like a Magic Suit.
Depressingly accurate. I think I’ll go with my original idea of ordering a burquini.
I obviously have to return my bathing suit now. Which I should do anyway since it’s a Valerie Bertinelli tankini.
Louie Anderson-esque. This made me very happy. I don’t know why.
Oh, Wendi, if I could get this post miked into my changing room while I’m trying burkas on under fluorescent lighting, that would be really swell.
Good stuff.
Crap! I just realized that I might have to borrow a swimsuit from my grandma and I’ll probably look less attractive than her.
The agony and the extasy, you describe them so well…
Cool Whip! Cool Whip! Cool Whip! I love it!
Just.plain.torture.
or just take your 10 year old daughter with you. “Mom, I feel like laughing really hard, Let’s go shop to find you a new two-piece swimsuit.”
stop by chi-chi, chilis, or your friendly pretend mall ristorante and have yourself a couple margaritas before stripping down in the nasty ass dressing room. Bring a girl friend (same age) and have the time of your life! Be prepared to be asked to leave by 12 year old security boys with walkytalkings and worse, instagram.
ps: u rock
Oh my gosh. Laughing so hard I’m actually crying. But you left out one paragraph!
What about taking (at least) two of your elementary school age children with you into the dressing room?? THAT’S fun.
The memory is still painfully vivid. It was August, the selection at the discount outlet mall was quite limited but anyone over 40 knows that even a size 6 or 8 suit can sometimes be roomy on a size 12 body. And though on my last suit I’d gone with a skirtini, a recent visit by a bold friend in a very revealing one-piece had made me feel – I think ‘dowdy’ is the word.
Security knocked on the door of the dressing room in response to the ruckus. The kids were (literally) rolling on the floor at my feet, screaming with laughter and calling out insults. The image of my full-bosomed size 12 body stuffed into a particularly skimpy size 8 Christian Dior white bikini is still branded on my brain.
Hope you’re gonna be at Blogher12. I want to high-five someone who can make me cry laughing.
Oh my god, Wendi…I could say it 500 times and I’d still have to say it some more.
You are so funny.
Cool whip it is! Thanks for the laughs.
Gotta love the photo that came with this one. Did she trade in her boobs for eyes? Ha HA!!
Great piece, Wendi. Now it’s time to go hide in the closet.
The Madison/Jenna convo and the “F*ck Off Fat” suit had me cracking up. Now I’m just depressed because I can relate too well.
I’ll never forget seeing my mom in a swim dress when I was a teenager and being disgusted, thinking “Doesn’t she know how terrible she looks in that?” Fast forward 25 years. I have become my mother.
Absolute genius.
Also, being under 30, I can tell Jenna/Madison that I rock a mean skirtini with my two kid body and they damn well better aspire to be like me.
My best friend (she calls me “lumpy”) suggested I wear a skirtini for her daughter’s wedding in Mexico. I kindly told her to eff off. I don’t care who sees my lumps. We’re still friends…or maybe she just likes my wine rack.
Swimsuit mistakes, I’ve made a few. The lovely one-piece pale yellow that looked like but didn’t have a lining. “Does she or doesn’t she?” She does.
What Alexandra said. You are so funny. I also repeat your tagline to myself like a mantra “They’re not all gems”. Though in your case they usually are.
Wendy-
This is a gem! My mother and I laughed so hard we almost had to change our depends!
cool whip is very lowfat, so the september option seems like a win-win.
LOL. I’ll print this post out and refer back to it next time I go bathing suit shopping.
Frozen Cool Whip is better than therapy.
I’ve pretty much given up on “looking good” in a bathing suit. Now if scuba suits come into fashion, then we may be in business!
No bathing suit can hide my problem areas… My general rule of thumb when it comes to the pool is to keep all fast movements to a minimum. No enthusiastic waving to friends and no walking speeds beyond a relaxed mosey.
Cat on bathing suit = best thing ever
I’d appreciate it if you ask before posting my photo in the cat suit.
My mom’s name is Flatima.
I think you’re my new favorite blogger.
I would ABSOLUTELY buy a “F*ck Off, Fat!” suit.