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How To Find the Perfect Swimsuit

by Wendi // July 25, 2012
 
Step 1: Ascertain Your Body Type!
This is easily accomplished by slowly walking past a downtown construction site. If the no-necked men scream,”Hey, fat ass!” at you, then you’re “pear-shaped.” If they scream, “Yo, where ya boobies at, Flatima?” you’re “small-busted.” And getting hit in the head by a glob of wet cement simply means you’re “Louie Anderson-esque” and the gentleman would appreciate you enjoying the beach in a burqa. Work it, girl!

 
Step 2: One Piece or a Two Piece?

How much do you want to reveal? If your answer is “less than a married politician when asked what he was doing behind the bushes in the park at midnight,” a one-piece suit is what you need. But if you’re instead the type of person who regularly posts pictures of her toenails on Instagram, get yourself a rockin’ bikini, baby! Who cares if it feels weird to show off your bare stomach? As any Real Housewife can tell you, there’s no such thing as overexposure. Even if it means the losers down at the municipal pool now know you have a Whitesnake tattoo on your coccyx.

Step 3: Don’t Shop Online

While it may be tempting to have a new swimsuit sent right to your door, you must resist the lure of online shopping. You see, recent medical studies have shown that the abject humiliation and self-loathing one feels while standing under the harsh fluorescent lights of a public dressing room is crucial to a woman’s health. Because it is this same humiliation and self-loathing that keeps you safe from harm at the beach. Does an unconfident woman ever jump into the deep end or body surf or swim too far out? No, she does not. She hides her thighs with a beach towel and weeps under the lifeguard stand.


 Step 4: Ask the Experts!
Walking into a store’s swimwear department can be very overwhelming. Therefore, one must immediately enlist the help of a professional. Said professional will always be named “Madison” or “Jenna” and they are found leaning against the cash register, gossiping about their new assistant manager who’s like, so majorly tasty but still kind of a dick, you know? Simply tell Madison/Jenna what body type you are and they’ll quickly bring you armfuls of suits to try on in the dressing room. Then they’ll be happy to give you their expert opinion on which one looks the best. How easy is that?

Note: If Madison/Jenna is under the age of 30, their expert opinion will include eyerolls and a text sent to their friend over in Juniors Shoes that says, “Kill me hard if I ever become a dum housewif who wears fugly skirtinis LOL LOL LOL.”

Note: If Madison/Jennifer is over the age of 30, your new suit will be $200.

 
Step 5: Don’t Believe In Miracles!
Due to recent advances in solar microtechnology, many swimsuit brands out there now claim their revolutionary material will make you “shrink two sizes” or “flatten your tummy.” These suits are usually named “The Wonder Suit,” “The Magic Suit,” “The MuffinTop Terminator” or the “F*ck Off, Fat!” but unfortunately, most of them instead make you look like a boa constrictor that just swallowed a feral hog. Yike-ees!
 
That’s why it’s crucial to remember that even though a miracle suit may sound good, there’s just no way a swimsuit can solve your many and vast figure flaws. Unless, of course, the face of Jesus suddenly appears on it. Your love handles will probably be a little less noticeable then.

 
Step 6: Take the Plunge!
After buying your new suit, there’s just one more thing to do to make sure it’s the perfect choice. Simply find a body of water, jump in and then immediately stand up. Now look: is the top  sagging down to your waist, therefore baring your boobs and making you look like a cast member from PeriomenopausalGirls Gone Wild? Has the bottom inched itself up into a painful ad hoc thong? Is water pouring out of it like you’re the Unsinkable Molly Brown and it’s the goddamn one-piece Titanic? If the answer is “no,” then congratulations! You’ve found the right swimsuit. But if the answer is “yes,” then you’ll need to go back to Step One and start over, my friend.
 
Or just sit inside your house eating tubs of Cool Whip until September. That works, too.


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Comments

  1. Becky Rice says:
    July 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    ‘Whitesnake tattoo on your coccyx’ – spewed diet soda all over my keyboard. Thanks.

  2. Kablooey says:
    July 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    I just bought 2 swim dresses from Lands End. Apparently, I am now just marking off the days until death.

  3. anymommy says:
    July 25, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Oh god, I’m laughing too hard to cry. This is why my kids think I hate water.

  4. libby says:
    July 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    It’s not Whitesnake. It’s Dokken.

  5. Erin@MommyontheSpot says:
    July 25, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    The whole miracle suit thing really needed to be addressed. Your vivid description will definitely help society.

  6. anna says:
    July 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    where was this when i went suit shopping last month!!!??

  7. Hope says:
    July 25, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Ever tried to remove a “miracle” suit after a day in the sun? Sweet Jesus, that’s the miracle–if you can roll it down.

    Love the line about Madison/Jenna over 30. So true. So true.

  8. Ann says:
    July 25, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Yikees!

    I love this.

  9. tracy@sellabitmum says:
    July 25, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    OMG Madison/Jenna disses my skirtini? The shame!

  10. Lisa Rae @ smacksy says:
    July 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    I get my Cool Whip delivered right to the house.

  11. Nancy Davis Kho says:
    July 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Where was the cougar joke? With that picture I thought sure there would be a cougar joke. Go back and add one in.

    I’m going to wait here with my Cool Whip til you do.

  12. dusty earth mother says:
    July 25, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    I totally have a skirtini. Madison/Jenna would be all over me. Like a Magic Suit.

  13. suburbancorrespondent says:
    July 25, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Depressingly accurate. I think I’ll go with my original idea of ordering a burquini.

  14. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him says:
    July 25, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    I obviously have to return my bathing suit now. Which I should do anyway since it’s a Valerie Bertinelli tankini.

  15. The Flying Chalupa says:
    July 25, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    Louie Anderson-esque. This made me very happy. I don’t know why.

    Oh, Wendi, if I could get this post miked into my changing room while I’m trying burkas on under fluorescent lighting, that would be really swell.

    Good stuff.

  16. monika@fibbin' says:
    July 26, 2012 at 1:18 am

    Crap! I just realized that I might have to borrow a swimsuit from my grandma and I’ll probably look less attractive than her.

  17. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says:
    July 26, 2012 at 5:53 am

    The agony and the extasy, you describe them so well…

  18. Wendy says:
    July 26, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Cool Whip! Cool Whip! Cool Whip! I love it!

  19. Shanan says:
    July 26, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Just.plain.torture.

  20. rbc303 says:
    July 26, 2012 at 7:40 am

    or just take your 10 year old daughter with you. “Mom, I feel like laughing really hard, Let’s go shop to find you a new two-piece swimsuit.”

  21. kathykate says:
    July 26, 2012 at 7:41 am

    stop by chi-chi, chilis, or your friendly pretend mall ristorante and have yourself a couple margaritas before stripping down in the nasty ass dressing room. Bring a girl friend (same age) and have the time of your life! Be prepared to be asked to leave by 12 year old security boys with walkytalkings and worse, instagram.
    ps: u rock

  22. Anne says:
    July 26, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Oh my gosh. Laughing so hard I’m actually crying. But you left out one paragraph!

    What about taking (at least) two of your elementary school age children with you into the dressing room?? THAT’S fun.

    The memory is still painfully vivid. It was August, the selection at the discount outlet mall was quite limited but anyone over 40 knows that even a size 6 or 8 suit can sometimes be roomy on a size 12 body. And though on my last suit I’d gone with a skirtini, a recent visit by a bold friend in a very revealing one-piece had made me feel – I think ‘dowdy’ is the word.

    Security knocked on the door of the dressing room in response to the ruckus. The kids were (literally) rolling on the floor at my feet, screaming with laughter and calling out insults. The image of my full-bosomed size 12 body stuffed into a particularly skimpy size 8 Christian Dior white bikini is still branded on my brain.

    Hope you’re gonna be at Blogher12. I want to high-five someone who can make me cry laughing.

  23. Alexandra says:
    July 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Oh my god, Wendi…I could say it 500 times and I’d still have to say it some more.

    You are so funny.

  24. Steph says:
    July 26, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Cool whip it is! Thanks for the laughs.

  25. Jan says:
    July 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Gotta love the photo that came with this one. Did she trade in her boobs for eyes? Ha HA!!
    Great piece, Wendi. Now it’s time to go hide in the closet.

  26. rojopaul says:
    July 26, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    The Madison/Jenna convo and the “F*ck Off Fat” suit had me cracking up. Now I’m just depressed because I can relate too well.

    I’ll never forget seeing my mom in a swim dress when I was a teenager and being disgusted, thinking “Doesn’t she know how terrible she looks in that?” Fast forward 25 years. I have become my mother.

  27. Marta says:
    July 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Absolute genius.

    Also, being under 30, I can tell Jenna/Madison that I rock a mean skirtini with my two kid body and they damn well better aspire to be like me.

  28. Shannon says:
    July 26, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    My best friend (she calls me “lumpy”) suggested I wear a skirtini for her daughter’s wedding in Mexico. I kindly told her to eff off. I don’t care who sees my lumps. We’re still friends…or maybe she just likes my wine rack.

  29. Sue says:
    July 26, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Swimsuit mistakes, I’ve made a few. The lovely one-piece pale yellow that looked like but didn’t have a lining. “Does she or doesn’t she?” She does.

  30. Audrey says:
    July 26, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    What Alexandra said. You are so funny. I also repeat your tagline to myself like a mantra “They’re not all gems”. Though in your case they usually are.

  31. Aimee says:
    July 26, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    Wendy-
    This is a gem! My mother and I laughed so hard we almost had to change our depends!

  32. deborah l quinn says:
    July 26, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    cool whip is very lowfat, so the september option seems like a win-win.

  33. Lovelyn says:
    July 27, 2012 at 3:29 am

    LOL. I’ll print this post out and refer back to it next time I go bathing suit shopping.

  34. Zee says:
    July 27, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Frozen Cool Whip is better than therapy.

  35. Kate Coveny Hood says:
    July 27, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    I’ve pretty much given up on “looking good” in a bathing suit. Now if scuba suits come into fashion, then we may be in business!

    No bathing suit can hide my problem areas… My general rule of thumb when it comes to the pool is to keep all fast movements to a minimum. No enthusiastic waving to friends and no walking speeds beyond a relaxed mosey.

  36. Kiki says:
    July 30, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    Cat on bathing suit = best thing ever

  37. Marinka says:
    July 31, 2012 at 3:45 am

    I’d appreciate it if you ask before posting my photo in the cat suit.

  38. julie gardner says:
    August 3, 2012 at 9:20 am

    My mom’s name is Flatima.

  39. Missy says:
    August 19, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    I think you’re my new favorite blogger.

  40. Mandy says:
    August 21, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    I would ABSOLUTELY buy a “F*ck Off, Fat!” suit.

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