What has Wendi been doing this summer? Let’s find out!
1. Listening to The Steve Harvey Morning Show!
TRUE. I can listen online with WDAS-FM, an old-school soul station from Philadelphia. I like this show because it’s so not-Texas. And there are interesting commercials about male enhancement pills for African-American men. And I’m going through another very serious Luther Vandross phase right now. (There is no cure for Vandross Fever. I just have to ride the velvet wave til it passes, baby.) Plus, I’ve become totally invested in Steve Harvey’s “Best Barbershop In America” contest. I’m pulling for you, The Fade Shop of Dallas, TX! Grown ass men, holla!
Enough with the Luther. Lola want Whitesnake.
2. Taking my kids to Vacation Bible School!
FALSE. Alas, we’re not very religious. In fact, when Sam graduated from his Lutheran preschool years ago, the pastor handed him a bible as a gift. Sam then held the bible up in front of the 100 people in the church and yelled, “Mommy! Look! He gave me a beeb-lay! We don’t have a beeb-lay at our house! I wonder what it’s about? There are lots of long words in this beeb-lay!” Free cookies or not, VBS would probably make his head explode.
3. Moving into an Assisted Living Facility!
FALSE. But not for lack of trying, man. See, according to the assisted living home’s manager, Peter Dumbface, I’m far “too young” and “healthy” to live there. Which is exactly why I want to move in, right? Duh. Where else are people going to constantly tell me I’m “too young” and “healthy”? The raw food bar at Whole Foods? I don’t think so. No, those pale vegans would just choke me with my collection of plastic bags and ostracize me for having Chik-Fil-A grease on my earlobe.
But seriously—how nice would it be to have a fruit cup delivered to me in bed each morning at the home? Or to be able to refer to the huge sign on the wall that tells me the current day and year so I don’t write May 5th, 2010 on a check when it’s really June 17th, 2012 like I did last week? And you just know the other residents sit around in their too-small footie pajamas talking about their cats and listening to Manilow all day long. I SO TOTALLY BELONG THERE.
4. Hiding in a safe room!
TRUE! At the risk of having throngs of thirsty, sweaty people show up at my front door, allow me to show you the best room in my house:
Yeah, that’s right, fools. I have a freakin’ wine room. (I’m saying “room” instead of “cellar” because it’s above ground and also it doesn’t smell like old grapes and French feet.) As you can see, my wine room isn’t even 30% full—mostly because it didn’t work out so well when I tried to cram my boxes of budget chardonnay into the little slots. (TGFS–Thank God for Swiffer.) Anyway, just to make you even more jealous, take a look at what the constant temperature is in Wine Heaven:
Awwww, yeah, 64 degrees! Which is exactly 64 degrees cooler than it is outside in the 7th circle of hell we call The Texas Summer. Clearly this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my pathetic little life. Last week, after a particularly draining ten steps to the mailbox and back, I simply opened the door to Wine Heaven, sat on the floor with my blankie and Family Circle magazine, shoved two bottles of Merlot in my bra and reeeee-laxed. It was like Madonna: The Street Person Years. I happily stayed there in the chill room until my mean husband made me come out because the kids were “hungry” or “bleeding” or something. Therefore, the next obvious thing I plan on doing this summer is
5. Installing a handle on the wine room door that locks from the inside!
TRUE. SO VERY DAMN TRUE.
In other news:
I’m very excited to be speaking about humor and writing at Mom Com Austin this Saturday, June 23rd. It’s going to be a wonderful event at the beautiful Oasis, so buy a ticket and watch me try to form an articulate sentence without passing out!
And I’m also very excited to announce that I’m now a contributing writer to AlphaMom, a website I’ve long admired. My first post is about Books Boys Love to Read and the second post is called How To Spend Summer With Your Kids and Not Lose Your Mind. Take a look!