What has Wendi been doing this summer? Let’s find out!
1. Listening to The Steve Harvey Morning Show!
TRUE. I can listen online with WDAS-FM, an old-school soul station from Philadelphia. I like this show because it’s so not-Texas. And there are interesting commercials about male enhancement pills for African-American men. And I’m going through another very serious Luther Vandross phase right now. (There is no cure for Vandross Fever. I just have to ride the velvet wave til it passes, baby.) Plus, I’ve become totally invested in Steve Harvey’s “Best Barbershop In America” contest. I’m pulling for you, The Fade Shop of Dallas, TX! Grown ass men, holla!
Enough with the Luther. Lola want Whitesnake.
2. Taking my kids to Vacation Bible School!
FALSE. Alas, we’re not very religious. In fact, when Sam graduated from his Lutheran preschool years ago, the pastor handed him a bible as a gift. Sam then held the bible up in front of the 100 people in the church and yelled, “Mommy! Look! He gave me a beeb-lay! We don’t have a beeb-lay at our house! I wonder what it’s about? There are lots of long words in this beeb-lay!” Free cookies or not, VBS would probably make his head explode.
3. Moving into an Assisted Living Facility!
FALSE. But not for lack of trying, man. See, according to the assisted living home’s manager, Peter Dumbface, I’m far “too young” and “healthy” to live there. Which is exactly why I want to move in, right? Duh. Where else are people going to constantly tell me I’m “too young” and “healthy”? The raw food bar at Whole Foods? I don’t think so. No, those pale vegans would just choke me with my collection of plastic bags and ostracize me for having Chik-Fil-A grease on my earlobe.
But seriously—how nice would it be to have a fruit cup delivered to me in bed each morning at the home? Or to be able to refer to the huge sign on the wall that tells me the current day and year so I don’t write May 5th, 2010 on a check when it’s really June 17th, 2012 like I did last week? And you just know the other residents sit around in their too-small footie pajamas talking about their cats and listening to Manilow all day long. I SO TOTALLY BELONG THERE.
4. Hiding in a safe room!
TRUE! At the risk of having throngs of thirsty, sweaty people show up at my front door, allow me to show you the best room in my house:
Yeah, that’s right, fools. I have a freakin’ wine room. (I’m saying “room” instead of “cellar” because it’s above ground and also it doesn’t smell like old grapes and French feet.) As you can see, my wine room isn’t even 30% full—mostly because it didn’t work out so well when I tried to cram my boxes of budget chardonnay into the little slots. (TGFS–Thank God for Swiffer.) Anyway, just to make you even more jealous, take a look at what the constant temperature is in Wine Heaven:
Awwww, yeah, 64 degrees! Which is exactly 64 degrees cooler than it is outside in the 7th circle of hell we call The Texas Summer. Clearly this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my pathetic little life. Last week, after a particularly draining ten steps to the mailbox and back, I simply opened the door to Wine Heaven, sat on the floor with my blankie and Family Circle magazine, shoved two bottles of Merlot in my bra and reeeee-laxed. It was like Madonna: The Street Person Years. I happily stayed there in the chill room until my mean husband made me come out because the kids were “hungry” or “bleeding” or something. Therefore, the next obvious thing I plan on doing this summer is
5. Installing a handle on the wine room door that locks from the inside!
TRUE. SO VERY DAMN TRUE.
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In other news:
I’m very excited to be speaking about humor and writing at Mom Com Austin this Saturday, June 23rd. It’s going to be a wonderful event at the beautiful Oasis, so buy a ticket and watch me try to form an articulate sentence without passing out!
And I’m also very excited to announce that I’m now a contributing writer to AlphaMom, a website I’ve long admired. My first post is about Books Boys Love to Read and the second post is called How To Spend Summer With Your Kids and Not Lose Your Mind. Take a look!
So glad to see you getting in touch with your, uh, roots. Holla! What is this wine room business!?! Houses around here don’t come with wine rooms. I’m clearly living in the wrong part of the country. Enjoy it, though. Looks delightful!
You know, those little slots would be perfect for storing yarn in. I’m thinking I need that (with the door handle, of course). And congrats on AlphaMom!
Wow – Love,love,love the wine room. I have to admit tho that if that were my wine room I would have a hard time keeping any inventory.
I have a longterm goal of living in The Villages, a retirement community close to here. Join me.
Virginia Woolf didn’t explicitly mention wine in A Room of One’s Own, but I’m sure she assumed it would be there.
Madonna: The Street Person Years. OMG. Am on verge of serious stomach cramps here laughing after ‘light dinner’ (not).
And I love the retirement village idea. Have toyed with adding 20 years to age to get the compliments. My husband pointed out that “You look GREAT!” is a comment reserved for the ‘truly elderly’…
My father used to have wine cellars! Very different times in my own home, as we are the “we don’t have wine – you go to the store – no you go to the store – no YOU go to the store” kind of family. Every night. I’m not kidding.
I’ll check out your AlphaMom posts!
Your wine room is dreamy. Contemplating doing same to 1/2 the laundry room. Maybe the whole room. I hate laundry.
Is it sad that all I can think about is how high my utility bill would be trying to keep that wine room at 64 degrees?
Can’t wait to hear all of your coherent sentences at MomCom!
I’m thinking that your boys could earn some extra cash if they agreed to bring you a little fruit cup every morning. Even better if it came with a bed pan!
We are not religious but decided to send our firstborn to a Catholic kindergarten. Her teacher, a nun, called us on the 3rd day of school and asked if we teach about God and Jesus at home. I truthfully said ‘no’ and asked why she called. Turns out she opened her bible in class and read a few lines and our Eloise asked her what that book was. The teacher told her it was a ‘bible’ and Eloise evidently misunderstood the wood and kept asking her teacher if she was going to read from the Gerbil again.
To this day if we happen upon one of those books we all yell “look another Gerbil book!”
I’m worried that you’ll get locked in the wine room without a corkscrew. But eh, you still have teeth.
I envy you both your summer and your wine room.
We have a bible in our house. I find it’s greatest functionality is as a Smirnoff Ice coaster.
Who am I kidding? That’s its only functionality.
Happy summer vaca! I’m out your way all the time now doing the ‘Nitro’ swim run 2 X a day in my crap van with flagging AC. Maybe perhaps need to stop by and de-sweat in that wine cave. Sounds too sweet to be true. Enjoy!
If it helps, my daughter was reading something (I forget what) and said whose this Jessus from the bibble? I looked at her like what!?!? Then read what she was reading and saw it was Jesus of the Bible. I know I’ll be scorned and de-friended but it is now the running joke in the house. Praise Jessus.
First, congrats on all the good news. Looking so forward to your alphamom meaty posts.
Wish I could come hear you talk humor and steal…ahh, be inspired…by your input.
AND>..dying dying dying laughing at the husband coming to get you from the madonna street years cuz the kids are bleeding…or something.
You are a very, very funny woman.
Lola is remarkably cute, but if your wi-fi ever goes out, you can probably pick up your soul station on her ears. Those things are gigantic.
beauteous! quite the contrast to Mir’s blog. Whoa.
–>We need a wine room in our house but with beer, and free massages, and chocolate and Ryan Gosling and pedicures and….
Whew – – what was I trying to say?
deb
I tried being the model parent; took the kids to church and Sunday School. For two years, the kids went, I went, thought “yeah, this is sinking in…” And one Sunday, the seven-year-old told me, in front of her SS teacher, “Jesus Jesus Jesus, it’s all they ever talk about!”
I knew it was time to quit!
Awesome post, as usual. =)
I don’t mean to be a buzz-kill, but I just thought I should mention that wet Swiffers used to have chemicals that can make your pets very sick. I don’t know if they still do, with 2 cats I prefer to be safe and avoid them completely.
Here are a few of my own 🙂
1) The girls will only be given organic, sugar free, healthy snacks. False. If it’s frozen, it’s good.
2) The EPA will put me on their black list. True. I plan on taking at least 2 cold showers a day and running the air conditioner in my upstairs apartment as much as possible.
3) The girls will explore parts of Vermont they’ve never been to before, as well as neighboring states. True. The car rocks the AC like a 200 year old farmhouse just can’t manage. I doubt we’ll get out of the car often if this weather keeps up…
4) Beached whales spotted in the Green Mountains. False. That’s just me flopping around in the kiddy pool. In retrospect, the black and white bathing suit DOES make me look a little Orca-esque.
I consistently write the wrong year on checks. But that shit is hard to remember.
Philly Soul? No Bible school?
They really let you stay in Texas?
First, tell Lola to head on over because we’re blasting “Here I Go Again” at Chez Gardner.
24/7.
Also, your “Beeb-lay” story warms the cockles of my heart. (Can you say cockles and Beeblay in the same sentence?)
When my son was five-ish, we let him attend a Sunday school service(with no small amount of fear in our hearts over what he might say).
Afterward, he asked us this:
“Mama, how did THEY know I love cheeses?”
huh?
“Yeah. They kept asking us ‘who loves cheeses’ and I raised my hand because I love mozzarella and cheddar and jack and…”
Yes.
We do love Cheeses at Chez Gardner.
And also Whitesnake. (Hurry, Lola!)
First, tell Lola to head on over because we’re blasting “Here I Go Again” here at Chez Gardner.
24/7.
Also, your “Beeb-lay” story warms the cockles of my heart. (Can you say ‘beeb-lay’ and ‘cockles’ in the same sentence?)
When my son was five-ish, we let him attend a Sunday school service with no small amount of fear about what he might say.
Afterward he asked us this:
“Mama, how did THEY know I love Cheeses?”
huh?
“They asked us who loves Cheeses and I raised my hands because I love mozzarella and cheddar and jack and…”
Yes. We do love Cheeses at Chez Gardner.
And also Whitesnake.
(Hurry, Lola.)
Not sure I’d worry about the handle inside the wine room door. Being locked in there wouldn’t be too shabby.
You took the straws out of those bottles for the pictures.