I was just really hungry for a family-sized bag of Chex Mix.
Someone had to tell you that you’re breathing too loudly.
The dishwasher needed to be kicked.
That elderly lady on the freeway was totally asking to be flipped off.
I always sob during poignant episodes of Scooby-Doo.
I’m scowling because you’re scowling you stupid loud breathing scowling scowler.
The Returns Lady at Target is out to get me.
The zipper on my pants is out to get me.
The world at large is out to get me.
I might be out to get me.
The Jiffy Lube radio commercials are total tearjerkers.
I always put two cups of chocolate syrup in my coffee.
The bathroom mirror is an asshole.
The bathroom scale is an asshole.
The bathroom AND EVERYTHING BATHROOM RELATED is an asshole.
But especially the goddamn bathroom scale.
I told you, I don’t have PMS.
You’re just doing everything wrong today.