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The Real Housewives of Hazzard County: Season One

May 9th, 2012

EPISODE 1: Getting To Know Y’All

The season kicks off when Bobbi Sue, the self-proclaimed “hawtest” housewife of Hazzard County, arranges a party to meet the other ladies. On their way to her house, LaDonna, Lurlene and wildcat Jessie experience a few hours of confusion when they can’t find the right rural route and must outrace a freight train in their smoking Pontiac Firebird. They finally arrive at the party, only to find that Bobbi Sue’s mother JoJo has single-handedly polished off the entire cooler of Pabst Blue Ribbon Lite and is threatening party guests with a fishing pole. “It’s just like my weddin’ all over again!” Bobbi Sue sobs.

Later, Bobbi Sue’s meemaw, Tiny Jo, and Jessie have fun with air guns while Lurlene and LaDonna listen to White Snake and relax in Bobbi Sue’s leaky above-ground pool that she won at the county fair.

EPISODE 2: And Baby Makes 5!

Chastity Rose, the youngest housewife, meets the other women for the first time at Hazzard County’s new Mediterranean eatery, Quiznos. She brings each of them a Sam’s Club book of inspirational quotes, but within minutes of arriving, makes a social misstep by saying she went to a junior college orientation one time and liked it. This leads to an awkward confrontation with Jessie and LaDonna, who repeatedly ask Chastity if she “thinks she’s smarter than us, well, do ya, ya Einstein chickenshit?”

The night ends with facial sutures and complimentary Baked Lays for all.

EPISODE 3: Dra-Ma!

Brimming with emotion, Lurlene asks third ex-husband Big Mike if he’ll give her away during her upcoming nuptials to his second cousin Lem. He agrees, but only if she lets his KFC franchise cater the reception despite its record-setting health code violations. The twosome then eat venison jerky and listen to some Blue Oyster Cult on his truck stereo until his battery dies.

Meanwhile, Jessie’s long awaited vacation to Crayfish Lake turns sour when half-sister Rhea crashes their rented pontoon into Iggy’s bait shop. The ladies salvage the day by smoking Merits and reminiscing about vocational school while they pick at their nail polish and wait for the authorities to arrive and give them Breathalyzer tests.

Across town, Chastity and Bobbi Sue wear tube tops and enjoy some illegal fireworks.

EPISODE 4: It’s Hard Out There For A Housewife

A tearful Jessie apologizes to half-cousin Travis for taking his ATV to the Pik ‘n Sav without his permission. Travis forgives her and says he’s just happy she was able to “negotiate” her way out of another speeding ticket with the Po-Po. Jessie maybe blushes, but it’s hard to tell under all of her Cover Girl foundation and lipstick.

Meanwhile, LaDonna and Bobbi Sue relax at a rest-stop picnic table with a Meat Lover’s pan pizza and gossip about Lurlene’s most recent appearance on America’s Dumbest Criminals. They agree that while her white blonde hair looked bitchin’ on TV, she shouldn’t have stolen Sudafed from a Walgreen’s while wearing a t-shirt airbrushed with her first and last names. They then exchange friendship ankle bracelets.

Later that night, at her son’s basketball game, Chastity discovers Red Bull plus Mucinex equals a kick ass buzz.

EPISODE 5: Livin’ La Vida Hazzard

The ladies are excited to attend the grand opening of Hazzard County’s biggest Dollar Store and dress in their finest denim cut-offs for the event. Chastity desperately wants to get to know the other housewives better, but Bobbi Sue and LaDonna shamelessly snub her in the $1 tampon/enema aisle. She makes the best of it by flirting with her cousin/cashier, who later buys her a $1 kitten sweatshirt and a day’s supply of Oxycontin.

Meanwhile, entrepreneur Lurlene struggles to balance the demands of her in-home childcare business with her new venture, a multi-level puppy farm.

EPISODE 6: Heirlooms & Catfights, Oh, My!

Feeling a financial pinch after replacing the corrugated aluminum roof on her trailer, Bobbi Sue makes the heart-wrenching decision to sell her family’s heirlooms on eBay. Tears flow when someone chooses “Buy Now” on her favorite “Goofy Goes Fishin’” figurine.

That evening, the ladies try to have a fun girls’ night out at the Hazzard Chili’s, but a light-hearted discussion about who’s more freakin’ awesome, Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Gravedigger, soon turns ugly, leaving Bobbi Sue with just 2 fingernails and Lurlene with a 10% hearing loss in her right ear. And 20% in her left.

Jessie easily escapes harm by sleeping with a toothless bus boy in the walk-in freezer.

EPISODE 7: All’s Well That Ends Well

After her fiance Troy Bob’s request for a conjugal visit is once again denied by the state, Chastity lifts her spirits by taking her 7 half-kids to the local waterpark. She later realizes that she forgot Lil Jimbo at The Tsunami Lagoon and makes plans to pick him up the next day after her indoor tanning appointment. “He near ’bout knows how to swim, I think,” she says. “Besides, all that sodey pop he drinks will help him float.”

The season ends with a bang as Lurlene hosts a glamorous “Pimps ‘n Ho’s” party at her tornado-damaged river house. However, her big news that she’s expecting an 18th child is tarnished when a hot-pants clad Bobbi Sue remarks that Lurlene only got knocked up, “So’s she can cash in on being on one them breeder TV shows.” The intense and heated wrestling match that follows ends with the housewives sharing homemade cranberry wine and hugging it out at the 24-hour Hazzard County Urgent Care facility.

Chastity then nails a male nurse.

See y’all next season!

________________________

(This is actually from three years ago—I completely forgot I wrote it until today.) (Maybe that was for a reason.)

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

20 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Cheryl  |  May 9th, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Fan. Tas. Tic!

  • 2. mindy ellzey  |  May 9th, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    You are describing my neighbors.

    Years ago my husband’s father sold a couple of his 400 acres (in the midst of where the rest of us live) to a unmarried male relative.
    The relative built a house and lived there peacefully and all was well.

    Then in his later years he married. All was still well.

    Then he dropped dead. (That’s another story).

    The wife promptly allowed a herd yokels to move in and out and that continues to this very moment.

    I should write a book. The latest is I was invited over to “see CookieDale’s new baby” who “has a tail.”

    I declined the offer and doubted the tale of the tail. I have since learned that such a thing does occur and has a medical name, a vestigal tale. I may be spelling it incorrectly. I don’t want to google it and see one.

    One of the (grown) men is out there with a couple of saw horses and a board doing flips (ta-dah!) Preparing for this summer’s Olympics.

    They have a lamb named Pierre that hops in the back of the truck with him when they head to town and his wife climbs in the back of the pickup truck.

    Every weekend they make “yucca flats” in wash tubs and stir it with boat oars.

    I could go on. Sorry for the length. You really should come film a season here. You can sit on my porch and have a front row seat.

  • 3. mindy ellzey  |  May 9th, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Corretion: Pierre the lamb hops up in the CAB of the truck. He also has a jaunty sailor hat he wears on occasion. I am not making this up.

  • 4. Stephanie  |  May 9th, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    I’m glad you rememberd it. Perfect cap to my day. And I didn’t have to read it at the allergy doctor’s office, either.

  • 5. Marta  |  May 9th, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Ah I can’t wait to see what happens next! Does Lurlene’s puppy business pick up?

  • 6. Cait  |  May 9th, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    I’m not sure which I want to watch first, Wendi’s or Mindy’s. Vermont sucks by comparison: today the neighbor drove around in circles moving her lawn. She’ll do the same tomorrow. Forecast says rain on Friday, so that means the girls will stomp on more earthworms when we go for our walk. Should this creature stomping concern me? Stay tuned for next week’s episode!

  • 7. laffin so hard  |  May 10th, 2012 at 12:39 am

    Please say you are F$^in’ yanking me.

    I don’t have to watch this, I live it. Chastity is my sister, who posted her ‘OMG I may lose my leg to blood poisoning, what the h7!! did I scrape up against?” in 4 inch cherry red heels. Well, on the foot that didn’t look like it belonged on an elephant.

  • 8. Firu  |  May 10th, 2012 at 12:49 am

    OMG! I laughed so hard! This reminds me of some of my neighbors when I used to live in the hills of Tennessee. Never a dull moment!
    Looking forward to season 2!!! :-)

  • 9. Becky  |  May 10th, 2012 at 5:36 am

    My DVR is set. Bring it.

  • 10. Momo Fali  |  May 10th, 2012 at 6:38 am

    It took you three years to post this? I would have pimped it all over the place as soon as it was finished. It’s as golden as a hillbilly tooth. Note to self: Quit writing.

  • 11. headspot  |  May 10th, 2012 at 7:38 am

    This is great! You have a viewing audience roughly the same size as the Wal Mart shopper population – seriously, this is your Get Rich script!

  • 12. Judy  |  May 10th, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I want to know where you got the picture of my cousin Ernie and his wife Lulu on their *hog*???????

  • 13. Amy  |  May 10th, 2012 at 8:32 am

    This sounds similar to the “Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. They are not wonderful and are only white on the annual occasion of a bath. Check it out on hulu, but make sure you aren’t eating if you watch it. Dukes of Hazzard was so tame back in the day, hu? Love those rednecks!

  • 14. julie gardner  |  May 10th, 2012 at 8:37 am

    I don’t know. I kind of like Quiznos.

  • 15. Cass  |  May 10th, 2012 at 9:03 am

    I never thought of Quiznos as a Mediterranean eatery. Now all I can think about is gitten some Quiznos in ma bellah.

  • 16. Mary P  |  May 10th, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Plot for Idiocracy the sequel

  • 17. AimeeKay  |  May 10th, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Please don’t let this show get ‘cancelled’. It’s got waaaay more entertainment value than anything that’s on right now!!
    It does however also encourage me to clean my house, since a spin off could be filmed of my life. (my boyfriends ex is currently living in his house, that he got years after they separated, while we live in a trailer Don’t ask. please don’t ask)
    This is truly amazingly funny, and I have to agree with the other comments that this is your get rich quick ticket. I would gladly pay to see this. The spin-off potential alone, I mean seriously funny. Glad you decided to post it after 3 years. Thanks for cheering up my day!!!

  • 18. Invader_Stu  |  May 11th, 2012 at 6:59 am

    I’d watch it.

  • 19. MommaKiss  |  May 11th, 2012 at 11:23 am

    ok, your post? made me giggle. a lot. but that commenter – the second one? i was all open mouthed “wha?”

    i kinda want to come visit.

  • 20. shanan  |  May 12th, 2012 at 1:16 am

    Sounds like most of the housewives series except that they shop at boutiques and Hazzard girls hop at WalMart. I love the picture!


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