May 9th, 2012
EPISODE 1: Getting To Know Y’All
The season kicks off when Bobbi Sue, the self-proclaimed “hawtest” housewife of Hazzard County, arranges a party to meet the other ladies. On their way to her house, LaDonna, Lurlene and wildcat Jessie experience a few hours of confusion when they can’t find the right rural route and must outrace a freight train in their smoking Pontiac Firebird. They finally arrive at the party, only to find that Bobbi Sue’s mother JoJo has single-handedly polished off the entire cooler of Pabst Blue Ribbon Lite and is threatening party guests with a fishing pole. “It’s just like my weddin’ all over again!” Bobbi Sue sobs.
Later, Bobbi Sue’s meemaw, Tiny Jo, and Jessie have fun with air guns while Lurlene and LaDonna listen to White Snake and relax in Bobbi Sue’s leaky above-ground pool that she won at the county fair.
EPISODE 2: And Baby Makes 5!
Chastity Rose, the youngest housewife, meets the other women for the first time at Hazzard County’s new Mediterranean eatery, Quiznos. She brings each of them a Sam’s Club book of inspirational quotes, but within minutes of arriving, makes a social misstep by saying she went to a junior college orientation one time and liked it. This leads to an awkward confrontation with Jessie and LaDonna, who repeatedly ask Chastity if she “thinks she’s smarter than us, well, do ya, ya Einstein chickenshit?”
The night ends with facial sutures and complimentary Baked Lays for all.
EPISODE 3: Dra-Ma!
Brimming with emotion, Lurlene asks third ex-husband Big Mike if he’ll give her away during her upcoming nuptials to his second cousin Lem. He agrees, but only if she lets his KFC franchise cater the reception despite its record-setting health code violations. The twosome then eat venison jerky and listen to some Blue Oyster Cult on his truck stereo until his battery dies.
Meanwhile, Jessie’s long awaited vacation to Crayfish Lake turns sour when half-sister Rhea crashes their rented pontoon into Iggy’s bait shop. The ladies salvage the day by smoking Merits and reminiscing about vocational school while they pick at their nail polish and wait for the authorities to arrive and give them Breathalyzer tests.
Across town, Chastity and Bobbi Sue wear tube tops and enjoy some illegal fireworks.
EPISODE 4: It’s Hard Out There For A Housewife
A tearful Jessie apologizes to half-cousin Travis for taking his ATV to the Pik ‘n Sav without his permission. Travis forgives her and says he’s just happy she was able to “negotiate” her way out of another speeding ticket with the Po-Po. Jessie maybe blushes, but it’s hard to tell under all of her Cover Girl foundation and lipstick.
Meanwhile, LaDonna and Bobbi Sue relax at a rest-stop picnic table with a Meat Lover’s pan pizza and gossip about Lurlene’s most recent appearance on America’s Dumbest Criminals. They agree that while her white blonde hair looked bitchin’ on TV, she shouldn’t have stolen Sudafed from a Walgreen’s while wearing a t-shirt airbrushed with her first and last names. They then exchange friendship ankle bracelets.
Later that night, at her son’s basketball game, Chastity discovers Red Bull plus Mucinex equals a kick ass buzz.
EPISODE 5: Livin’ La Vida Hazzard
The ladies are excited to attend the grand opening of Hazzard County’s biggest Dollar Store and dress in their finest denim cut-offs for the event. Chastity desperately wants to get to know the other housewives better, but Bobbi Sue and LaDonna shamelessly snub her in the $1 tampon/enema aisle. She makes the best of it by flirting with her cousin/cashier, who later buys her a $1 kitten sweatshirt and a day’s supply of Oxycontin.
Meanwhile, entrepreneur Lurlene struggles to balance the demands of her in-home childcare business with her new venture, a multi-level puppy farm.
EPISODE 6: Heirlooms & Catfights, Oh, My!
Feeling a financial pinch after replacing the corrugated aluminum roof on her trailer, Bobbi Sue makes the heart-wrenching decision to sell her family’s heirlooms on eBay. Tears flow when someone chooses “Buy Now” on her favorite “Goofy Goes Fishin’” figurine.
That evening, the ladies try to have a fun girls’ night out at the Hazzard Chili’s, but a light-hearted discussion about who’s more freakin’ awesome, Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Gravedigger, soon turns ugly, leaving Bobbi Sue with just 2 fingernails and Lurlene with a 10% hearing loss in her right ear. And 20% in her left.
Jessie easily escapes harm by sleeping with a toothless bus boy in the walk-in freezer.
EPISODE 7: All’s Well That Ends Well
After her fiance Troy Bob’s request for a conjugal visit is once again denied by the state, Chastity lifts her spirits by taking her 7 half-kids to the local waterpark. She later realizes that she forgot Lil Jimbo at The Tsunami Lagoon and makes plans to pick him up the next day after her indoor tanning appointment. “He near ’bout knows how to swim, I think,” she says. “Besides, all that sodey pop he drinks will help him float.”
The season ends with a bang as Lurlene hosts a glamorous “Pimps ‘n Ho’s” party at her tornado-damaged river house. However, her big news that she’s expecting an 18th child is tarnished when a hot-pants clad Bobbi Sue remarks that Lurlene only got knocked up, “So’s she can cash in on being on one them breeder TV shows.” The intense and heated wrestling match that follows ends with the housewives sharing homemade cranberry wine and hugging it out at the 24-hour Hazzard County Urgent Care facility.
Chastity then nails a male nurse.
See y’all next season!
(This is actually from three years ago—I completely forgot I wrote it until today.) (Maybe that was for a reason.)
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