It’s been said that motherhood is the toughest job in the world.
And that is complete bullshit.
I’m sorry, but I have to totally disagree with Oprah on this one. Yeah, I said it. Oprah Is Wrong. (Please excuse me while I quickly go lock my front door and grab a baseball bat. There’s a very strong possibility that Gayle King just pulled up to my curb in an unmarked Humvee.)
But I strongly believe that motherhood isn’t the toughest job in the world. What about astronaut? Or neurologist? Or the guy who shampoos Elton John’s dog wigs? Those are hard jobs. We mothers can just sprawl on the couch drinking white wine and watching The Wonder Pets all day. Not that I do that, of course. Well, not anymore.
What most mothers don’t realize is that your life actually becomes easier once you have children. For example: before kids, it can be challenging to come up with excuses to get out of boring social obligations. Trust me, there are only so many times you can cry food poisoning before your boss figures out that the only thing making you puke is the thought of seeing him in a neon yellow Speedo at his pool party. But once you have kids, finding excuses is a no-brainer.
“Sorry, can’t make your wedding! Colton has explosive diarrhea!”
“Sorry, have to pass on your Pampered Chef party. Amelia has a project due!”
“Sorry, can’t give that grand jury testimony today, Senator. We have LICE.”
Oh, yes, lice. Lice is the mother of all excuses. And it will get you out of absolutely anything. In fact, I’ve falsely claimed we’ve had lice so many times, I’m surprised the Centers for Disease Control hasn’t shown up at our house with a dump truck full of delicing powder. And Seal Team 6 to rub it all over our little, lying heads.
Yet another way kids make moms life easier is that you can finally let go of all your crazy hopes and dreams and just live vicariously through your children. If you always wanted to be a dancer but never made it to Broadway, sign your daughter up for ballet! If you never became a movie star, get your son into acting! No gold medal for downhill skiing? Push that little scamp of yours down a Black Diamond run, mama!
Of course, most of the mothers I know still accomplish many amazing things on their own, but honestly. Why work so hard when you don’t have to? If the moms on Toddlers and Tiaras have taught us anything, it’s that we should all just relax, put up our feet and spray tan the hell out of a 6-year-old. Easy!
A woman’s life also becomes less demanding when she’s a mother because she can finally give up in the old looks department. This slide into sloth kicks off during pregnancy when your stomach grows and grows and you turn into a sweaty bowling ball with legs. Of course, your friends will still tell you that you look “radiant” and “glowing” and “beautiful,” but come on. That’s just so you don’t sit on them.
Then, once you have the baby, well, let’s just say if you told people you’d recently escaped from the Oklahoma State Women’s Prison, no one would argue. Things are not pretty. Not pretty at all.
Because the post-baby body is Chernobyl. Your boobs leak, your hair falls out and you’re covered in so much spit up that when the lights are out, you glow green like a radioactive alien. Although, I don’t know. Maybe that was just me.
But when you’re a mom, you spend most of your time with little people who don’t care what you look like when they’re begging you for snacks. And that’s great because then you don’t have to worry about the latest trends. Or the latest styles. Or whether or not your hair is “washed” or your feet smell like burritos. The wonderful thing about kids is that they all think their mommy is beautiful, no matter what. Husbands, well, that’s a different story. But we moms can just let it all hang out and be comfortable in our sweatshirts— and yoga pants.
Seriously, what the hell with the yoga pants? If all of the women I know who wear yoga pants actually did yoga once in awhile, our PTO meetings would probably have a lot fewer fist fights.
Finally the last, but perhaps the best, way that motherhood makes your life easier is if and when you ever get pulled over for speeding, like say, 60 mph in a school zone, you can always get out of the ticket by telling the officer that you’re only in a hurry because your baby has colic. Even if your baby is 18 and currently serving in the United States Armed Forces. Works every single time.
So the next time you hear someone complain about how tough motherhood is, please, for my sake—don’t believe them.
Especially if they have lice.
(This is what I read at our Listen to Your Mother Austin show. Videos of that genius performance will be up very soon!)